How to unstick a stuck sex life (Pt 2 of 3)
Part two of three articles to move you from frustration to flow
Andrea Balboni and Julia Kukard
There’s not much worse than feeling stuck. And when the stuckness shows up in your sex life, it can feel even more frustrating and defeating.
As unlikely as it sounds, there are some benefits of having a stuck sex life. In the previous article we introduced you to some of the benefits. Yes, getting stuck in sex is useful because it enables us to reboot our sex life so that we can have more pleasure and meaning in sex leaving us feeling more fulfilled — and more whole.
So how do we get through to the other side of stuck and into flow? In this article we are going to explore the six stages of the Cycle of Sexual Stuckness in more depth. You’ll meet Dave and Sharon, a couple who’s sex life started off well, but after a few years into their relationship, they found themselves very stuck. We invite you to journey with them as they move from a sexless marriage through each stage of stuckness and back into a sexlife that is full of flow in pleasure and sex.
A reminder of the Cycle of Sexual Stuckness
The story of Dave and Sharon.
STAGE ONE: We find ourselves in a situation where we are triggered, perhaps a hurt or unhealed wound from the past rises up in the present moment.
- Dave would like to have better sex more often. He is worried that his partner Sharon will never meet his need for the deep connection and closeness that he gets through having sex with her. The thought of not getting his needs met by the person he loves the most is painful. It experience reminds him of childhood experiences where his unreliable and absent parents were unable to meet his needs. He feels anxious, frustrated, angry, and more and more alone.
STAGE TWO: The wounding dominates our inner and outer worlds. We disconnect from our full selves, others, and sex loses meaning.
- Dave feels deprived of love, and of touch and feels unsupported and unseen. He reasons that pleasure and love are being withheld from him intentionally by his partner. These feelings begin to dominate his inner world, he begins to withdraw and he feels his body ache more and more. He cannot remember the last time he felt good in the relationship. These feelings start to express themselves in interactions with Sharon — they begin to bicker constantly about little things. Sharon experiences Dave’s desire for sex with her as demanding, and she feels pressured to have sex when she really doesn’t want it. Unable and unwilling to meet his needs, and as a response to the pressure she feels, she too withdraws. Sharon labels Dave as a needy, entitled man and schedules more girls nights out to get some space from it all. Sharon’s body begins to numb out and she wonders if she just doesn’t like sex as much as Dave…or that she needs it at all. To Dave, Sharon’s withdrawal means that he’s no longer desirable to her and his confidence takes a huge hit. The desert that has become their sex life is now swamped with doubt, frustration, anger, silence and aloneness. They both begin to wonder if maybe they’re just incompatible.
STAGE THREE: We feel helpless, disconnected, and frustrated.
- Dave and Sharon lose their connection to each other, and their sex life. Sharon is always out and Dave is at home with Pornhub. Sharon’s connection to her body and her sexuality drifts further and further away into a haze of alcohol. Dave becomes addicted to flickering images that give him the hit he needs in the short term, but ultimately leave him feeling ashamed, deprived, and extremely lonely. Deep down, both Dave and Sharon miss each other and the connection they had. They really would like to connect but they don’t know how to reach across the invisible wall that looms between them. Any remedial actions that either of them attempt (Sharon in accommodating by having sex when she doesn’t really want it, Dave asks for it less and hopes Sharon will initiate more), result in further frustration, dissatisfaction and disconnection. They are stuck in sex and both fear that their whole relationship, like a house of cards, may come tumbling down because of it.
STAGE FOUR: Healing begins as we attend to the hurt from the past, present and even future. This means moving through shame and grief.
- Dave and Sharon decide that they need help and sign up for some support. They want someone to advise them as to whether this can be ‘fixed’, and whether or not they should separate. They’ve done their research and decided to work with a coach who specializes in sexuality, and who is well aware of how stuckness in sex works. She hears the willingness of both Sharon and Dave to find a way forward and despite everything, it is apparent that there is love and respect between them. She shares that because of this, the situation is probably not terminal, they are simply stuck. They relax a bit as the immediate worry of having to separate leaves them. They relax even further as they become aware of the patterns of stuckness and path through it to flow. Over time, Dave and Sharon begin to understand the historical influences that created the situation that they now find themselves in. Critically, how unmet needs from the past, complex feelings of shame and anger, and the responses of their body show up in their sex life. They grieve what they’ve been through, the loss of connection and time together, and the easy, perfect future they had dreamed of. And they begin to hope.
STAGE FIVE: We reconnect to ourselves, others, and find new meaning in sex.
- As a result of the work they’ve done together, Dave and Sharon understand their own sexuality more deeply and can speak more openly about it with one another. They experience new levels of safety and security in their relationship and as a result are able to express their needs and desires around sex with one another tenderly and courageously. This makes sexual experiences more satisfying for both of them as they are able to voice what they want and receive it. They become better lovers as they learn to give their partner exactly what they want because they know what it is that pleases them. Sharon and Dave experience the deeper meaning that a connected, more harmonious experience of sex and pleasure brings. Their relationship is enriched in whole new ways.
STAGE SIX: Our sex life peaks, and then plateaus, we start to get stuck in a rut and a new wound is triggered.
- Dave and Sharon have (mostly) great sex that naturally waxes and wanes as is expected in healthy, long-term relationships. It never comes to a complete and nerve-inducing stop like it did in the past. In the waning moments of their sex life, Dave and Sharon are able to voice what they are experiencing, allow what wants to emerge from the quiet to emerge, and be with it so that they eventually move through each of these winters with relative ease.
- But then life intervenes, Sharon loses her job which triggers a deep wound within her — and she feels she is not good enough and becomes depressed as a result. She’s stuck again — this time as a result of a work situation. Thanks to the work she did earlier, she recognises the first stage of the cycle she’s now in, talks to Dave about it and gets the help and support she needs to move through it.
We will travel the cycle of sexual stuckness many times in our lives. With each iteration, this healing and learning cycle has the potential to bring us into greater alignment with the natural expression of our sexuality. We feel more full and alive in sex alone and/or with another. We are more whole.
With this in mind, let’s move courageously in and through our own sexual stuckness, and use the experience of it in the way it was intended — to create more satisfying sex lives for ourselves and our partners, and perhaps more importantly, to embrace all that we are in this human experience.
If you have found this interesting and useful, we invite you to have a look at our next article. This will focus on practical, applicable ways that you can create more fluidity in sex, expand into your fullest sexual expression and have a more satisfying and exciting life full of love as a result.
Dr Julia is an existential coach and psychotherapist. She is a personal and professional expert on stuckness. Routledge is publishing her book “The Art and Joy of Stuckness for Coaches and their Clients” in December 2024.
Andrea is a certified Sex, Love and Relationships Coach at Lush Coaching. Her mission is to help people experience as much pleasure and fulfillment in their personal intimate lives as they desire.
You can hear us chatting about stuckness in sex on:
