Kay’s Fantasy League — Week 1 Edition: We on that ultralight team
Hi folks!
I thought it was a little creepy to ask for everyone’s email so I figured this was a #safespace to put our recaps.
To answer the question I know you didn’t ask: Yes. I did attend the Kanye concert in Atlanta this week. I bought floor seats so I could demand an answer to why the Yeezy cleats didn’t make Adrian Peterson actually fly off the ground.
Welcome back ~*~*professional~*~* football! Because, really, did any of us watch the poop emoji games of college football last week? Florida State beating Charleston Southern by a margin of 44. Ohio State over Tulsa by 45. Yikes. You never have to suffer through cupcake games in the NFL… unless your team is playing the Browns. Zing! In fact, 4/16 games in Week 1 were decided by one point. And 13/16 games were decided by fewer than 10 points. Drama! But enough about the real world, let’s move on to why we’re all here… fake sports!
Week 1 saw everyone, except me (suck an egg, Gary Barnidge), break 100 points with the league average at 116.55 points. Aussie Assault had the biggest total, hauling in a massive 165.06 points. Our Week 1 provided far less stress than its IRL counterpart with 4/6 games being decided by margins of 20 points or more.
Recap time!
Kay’s Team (151.96) vs TeamJonDubb (127.88)
This game was over by 4:05 EST on Sunday as Kay was sitting pretty with almost double the points of JonDubb. When Kay’s AJ Green, Derek Carr, and CJ Anderson score a combined 88.26 points, you’re probably not going to win. And if your defense is your highest scoring “player”, i.e. John this week, that also means you’re probably not going to win. Turn that frown upside down, John! 127 points is admirable and beat the league average.
The Quarterhacks (150.00) vs NFL_Bound (108.06)
Karen headed into the MNF game down 4 points with four players still to play. She technically didn’t even need Hyde, the Rams D, or Jordan Reed. The 8 point performance from Kicker Chris Boswell was enough to solidify the win. Marcus had nice outputs from Aaron Rodgers, Kelvin Benjamin, and Jason Whitten but couldn’t overcome a 2.1 Jimmy Graham and a measly 3.5 points from Alfred Morris. If you want an A. Morris on your team who will run more than 35 yards for you, all you have to do is ask.
Dezed and Confused (146.86) vs HMONG — The Secret Army (108.30)
A nice win for Chuck. It didn’t matter that Kirk Cousins only gave 9.96 points and Tou still had two players to play on Monday. By the end of Sunday, Chuck was walking away with a W. Drew Brees can still do the football things and decided to play with Brandon Cooks to set him up for a 33.04 point performance. Tou had a good showing from Stafford but not many others from his team put up the numbers needed to keep pace with the likes of DeMarco Murray, Ebron, and the Eagles D.
TheStreetTeam (152.42) vs The Adams Family (139.04)
Going into Monday Night’s game, Alex and Justin each had one to play. It was a 136.22 to 130.94 affair with Alex holding the advantage. Alex had DeSean Jackson [is the man] while Justin needed Jesse James to have a big night. DeSean Jackson delivered double the output of Jesse James to gave Alex the win and enough points to edge out Kay for 3rd place in the league.
Football Pun (94.36) vs Aussie Assault (165.06)
Chris took the early lead on Thursday with four of his players earning points in Super Bowl 50* Round 2. Once Sunday came, it was going to be hard to over come a real Aussie Assault from Willie Snead and Antonio Brown who both broke 30 points. In contrast I had so much fun watching Adrian Peterson run for only 31 yards and reaping ZERO favors, literally and figuratively, from Gary Barnidge. This was the battle of a have and the have nots. The highest scoring fantasy player vs the lowest. The bourgeois vs the pleb. The smallest margin I ever trailed Aussie by was 50 points. In the wise words of Yeesus, “Th-th-that that don’t kill me. Can only me make me stronger.”
*Was no one else bothered they just decided to make this one a standard number and completely ignore their own roman numeral precedent?
HoosierDaddy (153.52) vs Slytherin to the End Zone (156.10)
The Chamber of Secrets* has been opened**! This was our most exciting game of the week. Decided by 2.58 points, Angie snuck the win over Keith. It’s a disappointing loss for Keith considering his score would have beaten everyone else in the league except Chris. Angie had reason to be nervous going into Monday night. Even with Roethlisberger and DeAngelo to play, the need for 50 points is a still a big ask. But ask and ye shall receive! The Steelers struck down like the hand of God against Washington, and the QB-RB duo delivered a whopping 56.9 points.
You have to wonder the look on these two faces as Keith’s Russell Wilson scored the 11th hour TD… only to target Angie’s Doug Baldwin.
*AKA gaps in Washington’s defensive line for DeAngelo Williams
**enemies of the heir… beware.
Games to watch!
The Race to the Top Bowl: The Quarterhacks (1–0) vs Kay’s Team (1–0)
Standings have these two separated by 1.96 points. Projections (at time of writing) have this game being decided by 10.44 points. But, if we know anything about projections (GARY BARNIDGE), they are like your fickle friend who says you can definitely come over to hang at their pool but then never answers their text messages when you take them up on the offer. #4 vs #5. A fight for 2–0 dominance. Get pumped.
The Inverse Bowl: TeamJonDubb (0–1... but his Giants are 1–0) vs Dezed and Confused (1–0… but his Cowboys are 0–1)
This is my pick for most interesting match-up. John faces Chuck in Week 2 and will likely be hoping for a high scoring affair for Eli against Brees.
Reminder: the last time the Giants played the Saints it was a 52–49 score game. Considering that piece of history, you have John with starting QB Eli vs one of Brees’ favorite targets, Chuck owned, WR Brandon Cooks.
Weekly shout outs!
Rhonda Rousey Beat Down Award to me for being the biggest loser by a margin of 70.7 points. Ugh.
Shame! Award to also me for having the lowest scoring player of the week. Browns TE Gary Barnidge who recorded zero catches for zero yards for a total of zero points.
Beyonce Blessings Award to Kay for having the top scoring player for the week: Mr. AJ Green with 36 points. Go Dawgs!
Relevant Week 1 NFL video meets Kanye lyrics — because, y’all, I am still shook from this concert.
The weeks feel short but the season is long. Fifteen to go! Set those line-ups. Start your trash talk. Week 2 we’re in it and we can’t get outtttt!
