RSGFFL BFF — Week 6 Edition: Halfway to Playoffs! Nobody likes Jeremy Ice!
The standings, y’all. From what I thought might be a 6-way tie of folks at 2–4 has instead turned into a 4-way tie of Coogler, Penguin, Rutherford and Bart at 3–3 making for some interesting Bubble Drama. I just want to be a part of it toooooo :(
Hello and welcome to Week 7 where I’m hoping the Falcons lose these next 3 road games to make Vikings tickets cheaper and having major feelings of 2009 nostalgia watching AP go yard.
South Raleigh Scorpions (112.8, 103.2) vs The Big Gronkowski (124, 121.6)
BOOOOOOO. How am I still the only human who has to take a shot of fireball?! Both Carson Palmer and the Houston D earned Greg over 20 points too bad Andre Ellington was targeted one time and was unable to haul it in for even 1 point. JStew took the bulk of the Panthers’ between-the-tackles work in Week 6, but earned negative yardage and points. Greg had the 3rd lowest score of the week and remains with Archie in the Basement at 1–5.
Overall, a decent win for Rutherford. 121.6 was on the low side of the league but a win is a win. He is back to a .500 record and at the bottom of The Bubble. Gronkowski continues to produce for him with his 3rd 20+ game — best TE production in the league. Juilo Jones has still not found the end zone after 6 weeks which is no fun if you’re Rutherford or a Falcons fan. (Thankfully, I am neither!) He gets Dez back from Bye this week and will likely be hoping for a receiving shootout with Gronk and Julio being big focuses as the Falcons face the Pats in a Super Bowl rematch.
Rutherford faces Coogler in our miniaturized version of the Pats vs Falcons/battle of the .500s as both try to get to a winning record and float higher on The Bubble.
Ice Holes (134.2, 128.4) vs Steel City Mafia (130.1, 86.2)
Feely is a loser (bowl). Yikes. What was billed as our Prime Time Special turned out to be Feely’s worst week in the league. I mean, technically it was Ice’s worst week in the league, too, but nobody cares about him.
Doing his best Archan impression, Feely only had one player, Golden Tate, break 20 points. Three of his starters couldn’t muster even a measly 5 points. The Saints scored 52 points but somehow Brees was held to under-200 yards. … I guess that statement should actually read: “The Saints run game and Defense scored 52 points. Brees was held to under 200 yards. #sad”
Ice scoring 130 is proof that without Zeke he’s just like us! This stupid litigation battle has me on a roller coaster of emotions. At 6–0 Ice can guarantee himself a playoff spot in the next couple weeks.
Kitten Wittens (112.1, 145.3) vs Football Penguin (124.7, 124.6)
Hey look, Colette, you basically matched your projection exactly! That’s cute. I, on the other hand, exceeded expectations by 30 points and walked away with my second win in a row. I will continue to make boisterous claims about how I will be making playoffs even though I sit in 8th and need to get Bubble status first.
My early rounds Melvin Gordon and Carlos Hyde draft picks cashed in dividends this week. The RB duo scored 60 points for the Kittens. Melvin Gordon was the league’s highest point earner with 36 points off a combo of a touchdown, runs, and dink and dunk plays. The Chargers may stink but run Gordon, run!
It wasn’t a bad score for Colette. It just wasn’t a good enough score to beat my Kittens. Le’Veon Bell and McCaffery continue to do the heavy lifting for the Penguins but the rest of her team stagnated this week. Jordan Reed has broken 10 points just once this season so I am unsure why she decided to bench Brate in favor of him. I also don’t care… because I won. Did I mention I won?
Dalvin and Hobbles (120.6, 164.5) vs My Johnson Went Bay Bay (122.4, 149.1)
Wowowowow. On Sunday, things seemed out of reach for Coogler. That is, until Larry Fitz went big again getting Coog’s 27.8 points. (I’m STILL mad about my loss in Week 3! The man is 1000 years old. How is he still putting up these numbers?!). Then, going into Monday night Gonzo had the lead of 152.5 to Craig’s 146.2. Alex had prolific kicker Vinateri left to play while Coogler rested all of his hopes on Beanie Baby Hotel (T.Y. Hilton). And because the NFL is weird Vinateri 12 points, T.Y. 2.9.
Alex needs to keep the wins rolling as he moves to 2–4 and hanging in The Basement at 10th place. He sure is feeling pretty full of himself, though. Third name change in a season! He’s our league's own Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy/Diddy. Welcome “AD Ain’t No Saint”. Can AP repeat in Week 7 and lead this team to another victory? Was his 50 yards in NOLA a fluke? Is he back? Is it still kosher for me to wear my AP Vikings jersey?
He wins one. He loses one. Time for Coogs to get a win vs Rutherford this week. The question will start to be: can he sneak into playoffs with his inevitable .500 record?
OTP White Flight (126.9, 132.9) vs Dak Attack (114.8, 115.8)
Here comes Bart! While some (coughColettecough) are having a tough time finding a W as of late, Bart has found success three weeks in a row and is now .500 sitting in 7th above me. Bart’s highest scoring player was his kicker LOLOLOL. But Succop’s 21 points were still greater than the Noffsinger-Reeds’ highest scoring player Jarvis Landry who scored 20.2. Bart looks to climb into The Bubble as he faces the Steel City Mafia fresh off their first loss of the season. There is a joke about white people and the Rust Belt here somewhere but I’m too lazy to come up with one.
Let’s start with the good news: Dak Attack is consistent. The bad news: Dak Attack is consistent. They’ve scored about 115 the past two games and have scored along that same line 3/6 weeks. It was a rough week for Dak Attack as their namesake had the Bye. They go to face Alex in a game where 115 might be enough for a win!
Vick In A Box (124.3, 97.6) vs God Hates Jags (104.5, 93.9)
Oof. Paul gets the win but loses his starting QB in the process. (Bye Aaron! Skol Vikings!) It did make this game more interesting for everyone than the beat down we thought it would be. Paul was helped by Evan Engram’s career night on Sunday vs the Broncos. His performance alone saved Paul and keeps him in Top 4. I wouldn’t worry about him losing Rodgers too much seeing as he had Cam on the bench and the Panthers look to be back in form. Paul stay away from me an my team and keep that IR juju to yourself!
Mr. Gisele Bündchen leads Archie again. He was one of two players to break 15 points on GHJ. And by “break 15 points” Mr. Bündchen only scored 16.2 and Eric Decker scored 15.8. Archan’s third game in a row unable to break 100 points but much improved from the 59.8 last week. Let’s put this in perspective real quick. Archan has scored 525.3 points this entire season. Ice has scored 946.3. That’s almost a factor of 2! And you can say “Well Ice has the freak team”. And I’d say “You’re right. Let’s throw out the outlier and the next highest scorer is me at 750.6 points which is still a whopping 42% margin on Archie.” Numbers!
Games to Watch!
Fireball Watch Bowl — Week 7 Edition: Football Penguin (3–3) vs South Raleigh Scorpions (1–5)
Colette is on the verge of panic mode. A three game skid would be made worse if turned four and if turned four with the consequence of Fireball. What should her new nickname be? Fireball Penguin? Football Fireball Penguin?
C’MON, PAUL, GO SCORE SOME POINTS! IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE! PUNCH THE ICE HOLES IN THE FACE AND WE’LL GO FUCKING MENTAL! Bowl — Vick In A Box (5–1) vs Ice Holes (6–0)
Feely let us all down last week. Paul it’s up to you. We know you have absolute control over everything that happens in the NFL week-to-week so all of our hopes and dreams now rest in your hands.
— — — — — — —
Week 7 kicked-off last night with the Chiefs visiting Oakland and Archan raking in 44 motherfucking points with Amari Cooper against ya girl here. Life is hard. Fantasy Football is cruel. Good luck to all, but especially Paul!