RSGFFL BFFL — Week 1 Edition: Shall We Begin?

For the first time since September 2011 the Jaguars have a winning record. The Vikings still have a shot at 16–0. And now that the Patriots are in last, we must ask the question: can Alabama beat them? Hello, and welcome to week 1 where a man named Giorgio Tavecchio had 20 points which was more than Gronk+DJ+Bell combined.

Actual photo of me every week trying to set my line-up.

Recap Time! (projection, actual)

Kitten Wittens (129.9, 102.7) vs Steel City Mafia (132.2, 147.5)

Congrats to Feely for recording the highest total of the week. A combo of Shady McCoy, Golden Tate, and Stefon Diggs gave him a huge 70 points. He could have played only those three players and his kicker and beat Paul this week. LOL. I win the award for Best Bench… not that it matters when you play league leader in scoring… A great start for the Steel City Mafia and a soft purr from the Kitten Wittens.

Obligatory Sir Pounce gif

TDs for My Johnson (136.3, 99.8) vs Vick in a Box (122.8, 74.4)

Wow. Two dick joke named teams coming up on the short side. Really under performing, guys. You would think the team that under performed by 40 points would lose… unless the team they are playing under performs by 50 points.

Eric Ebron, Coogler’s only TE, managed a #sad 2.9 points; while Hunter Hunry, who had a nice 2016 season, was completely shut out of the scoreline for Paul. Aaron Rodgers and Tudd (Todd) were bright spots for the Vicks. Looking at Paul’s roster and bench after week 1 doesn’t give me confidence in him moving forward but maybe he can turn it around.

Coogler won the fight but lost his ~*~*NUMBER ONE~*~* draft pick, David Johnson. If he picks up new Cardinals RB Chris Johnson he can still keep his team name!

Ice Holes (136.4, 147.1) vs God Hates Jags (110, 81)

God certainly didn’t hate the Jaguars as they punched the Texans in the face in Week 1. God possibly hated Archan who did not see one of his players break 20 points. We knew this one could be bad for Archie when the Pats shat the bed in the NFL season opener Thursday night. Tom Brady + Pats defense only netted Archie 6.7 points… but no one feels bad for Archie because he drafted Tom Brady.

Sorry not sorry.

Jeremy Ice is our Night King. He has amassed an army of AB, Fournette, and Hopkins and is revitalized with Zeke — his dragon — coming back from the dead (AKA the legal system). These four players have no reason to not average at least 15 point each a game and come smash all of our little watch towers along The Wall. His line-up is scary. God help us all.

Visual representation of Archan vs Ice’s game. This metaphor is great. Praise me.

OTP White Flight (111.2, 103.1) vs Football Penguin (137.1, 109.6)

There is a joke somewhere here about “flight” and “penguins” but I can’t think of one right now…

Bart! If only you had paid attention to your line-up! Darren McFadden was only relevant for Fantasy if the Zeke ruling went south for the Cowboys. Unfortunately for Bart the hearing is suspended (for now) and Darren McFadden came into Sunday night game roster listed as inactive. But remember the ruling came out mid-week so Bart had no excuses not to hustle for an RB.

For being our highest projected total for the week, Colette fell almost 30 points short thanks to a sub-par performance from Le’Veon Bell. Luckily she had Tyreek Hill, a late pick-up in the draft, to save her with a massive 26.8 points on Thursday. If Hill keeps churning and Bell returns to his normal form, she will be just fine. She is predicted for another 140+ point game again in Week 2 vs Alex.

South Raleigh Scorpions (112.8, 108.7) vs Dak Attack (113.4, 130.8)

The pours I expect y’all’s shots to be.

AKA Fireball Watch Bowl — Week 1 Edition.

Ben is safe from taking a shot of fireball after properly beating Greg First-Pick-Derek-Carr Jackson. Greg’s Scorpions struggled mightily with none of his players breaking 20 points. He has got to find an answer to replace Cheeseburger Lacy because Latavius on his bench is certainly not it.

For the Noffsinger-Reeds, Kareem Hunt had a 56% snap rate and solidified his spot as break-out KC star. Hunt also made a statement by posting 45.6 points.. the highest for all players this week. Who could have predicted Austin Hooper would get himself 20 points?! Not me and certainly not Falcons fans. I think this is more points than he had all last season combined* (*not validated). Is there a change in the winds for Atlanta offensive play calling? The Noffsinger-Reeds sure hope so. With 4/10 starters hailing from the Empire State of South and a return of Jarvis Landry to the field, Dak Attack could be a team to keep your eye on.

Greg, here is your reminder your 3rd and 4th best scorers were a GIFT to you by Alex and I at the draft.
Noffsinger-Reeds, here is your reminder I gave you the Chargers Defense.

Your commissioner loves you!

Dalvin and Hobbes (116.2, 109.6) vs Team Rutherford (122.1, 116.7)

Probably our most entertaining game of the week. I’ll call this out Mountain vs Viper game…. Going into Monday night Alex (the Viper) held the smallest of leads with 80.8 points to Rutherford’s (the Mountain) 78.2. Alex had a power pair of running backs to try and hold the lead with Dalvin and Ingram. Rutherford had 3 to play: Minnesota Kicker-Job-Stealer-Of-My-Husband-Blair Kai Forbath, AP, and Adam Thielen.

Alex with a nice little lead.

In a dramatic fashion Rutherford pulled out the win largely due to Thielen’s incredible 24.7 point performance and a little help from the many FGs the Vikings were able to notch with Forbath.

Rutherford with the craziest comeback!

Alex has a tough match up versus Colette in Week 2 while Rutherford looks to build a win streak against the Noffsinger-Reeds.

Games to Watch!

Sexual Jokes Bowl: Ice Holes (1–0) vs My Johnson Went Bay Bay (1–0)

A name change for Coogler after losing his ~*~*NUMBER ONE~*~* player to IR. Can’t wait to watch Ty Montgomery and Randall Cobb score lots of touchdowns against the Falcons and laugh as Coogler’s soul is torn from his body. Ice’s big threat Antonio plays a hard nosed Vikings defense while Zeke has to run against the ever powerful Broncos D. Will Coogler be our Jon Snow and ruin the Night King’s party?

Coogler thinking about his chances of beating Ice.

Fireball Watch Bowl — Week 2 Edition: Steel City Mafia (1–0) vs South Raleigh Scorpions (0–1)

Projections have Feely winning by a 20 point margin. Only possible upsides is Derek Carr is playing a poopoo Jets team and Jimmy Graham faces a poopoo San Francisco team. But, with no roster moves being made by Greg to improve his running back situation *coughCheeseburgerLacycough*, I’d still say the safe pick is with Feely.

— — — — — — —

On to Week 2! Houston vs Cincinnati tonight at 8:30PM. Set your line-ups. Good luck to everyone, especially Scott Tolzien’s starting spot!