first of all: YES TO ALL THIS! yes to the wolf in sheep’s clothing bullshit. and these woke misogynists (not my term but I love it) always seem to be the expert gaslighters. I spent years in therapy trying to understand why these “nice guys” I dated always ended up being the most abusive and manipulative. why couldn’t I recognize the type? why couldn’t I tell the difference between actual good man and one that parades as such? welp, because they’re expert at the ruse.
I’m a Portlander too and it seems so pervasive here on this coast, with so many so-called progressive men who then slut-shame you or gaslight you to make you feel small or crazy. it wasn’t until I was finally with a good man that I could tell the difference. and the difference is: when I call him out on something he says that is inadvertently sexist (because we all are raised in this sexist society), he listens, he grows, he doesn’t make me feel crazy.