PERSONAL GROWTH AND RELATIONSHIPS
4 Ways to ease into setting boundaries
How I managed to gently start introducing boundaries into my life as a recovering people pleaser.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are how we define our limits regarding what we may be available for when it comes to participating in healthy relationships. Just like how a river creates a natural boundary between parts of the land, boundaries in relationships indicate where one person starts and the other ends. They relate to how much of our emotional, material, physical, intellectual, spiritual, time and other resources we are willing to contribute and vary by different connections.
Boundaries are essential for healthy, interdependent relationships. These are where people collaborate based on what they are willing and able to contribute, rather than what they may feel obliged, or begrudged, to give.
Why can boundaries be hard for people pleasers?
As a recovering people pleaser, I have had a habitual tendency to put the needs of others above my own in the past. From what I have learned about this common behaviour, I understand that it comes from a fear of causing discomfort in other people, along with seeking to avoid rejection or abandonment.
An effect of people pleasing can be to become disconnected from your own needs and limits. This is why my personal development journey over the last few years has been all about getting back in touch with myself and how it is to share my experience with others. I have done this mainly through practicing conscious communication modalities such as nonviolent communication and authentic relating.
Much growth has come for me through experimenting with how it is to courageously go against my old, fearful ways and share boundaries in terms of what I am available for. I have experienced a sense of wonder at the fulfilling outcomes that I have been able to co-create with others, without overextending myself. I am also happy to have built more emotional resilience in myself through being willing to speak up, and trusting it’s ok to allow others to have their reactions (even if it feels edgy!).
Starting out with boundaries
When I first learned about boundaries, I mainly found guidance online about the areas where you can protect your boundaries (for example, around your time, money, physical and emotional boundaries). I didn’t see much around practical examples of boundaries. So my sweetly optimistic and naive desire was to go straight for the big changes. Think tackling significant and established relationships in family, work and close people… I quickly realised that these could be overwhelming to be with. That’s because what I was attempting was so radically different from what I was used to. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to be with the reactions from others or myself, which led me to wanting to give up on boundaries as being ‘too difficult’.
I’m happy to say that I didn’t give up! Instead, I found more gentle ways to practice that helped me to build familiarity with caring for my needs and limits. That’s what this blog article is all about and I hope these may be a helpful starting point if you want to shift out of former people pleasing ways too. Or if you would simply like to improve your awareness and practice of your boundaries.
1. Personal Boundaries
These relate to your inner world and are commitments that you make to yourself about how much you will give to any particular situation. Personal boundaries may be easier for people pleasers to practice as there’s nobody else involved, so they can be a lower-stakes way to practice your new habit of checking your limits. The focus of this practice is on having awareness of your needs and staying accountable to yourself.
Personal boundaries examples:
I will leave the event by 10 pm.
I will stick to a budget of 10 Euros for the gift.
I will spend no more than 30-minutes thinking about the problem today.
2. Feeling the Energy of Interdependence in Boundaries
‘Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear on where we end and they begin. If there’s no autonomy between people, there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment’
Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart
Once you have got familiar with practicing your personal boundaries, you may wonder how this way of being can apply when it comes to collaborating with others. The first step is to consciously acknowledge the intention of interdependence when collaborating with others.
As people pleasers, it’s easy to skip this intention, which makes it risky for getting caught up in old habitual ways of being. So the invitation here is to take some time for yourself to acknowledge how it feels to be interdependent — maybe visualising yourself and others like the cliffs in the image for this blog article. Both together and separate. Being able to see how you come together and where your edges are.
You can also bring this intention to witnessing how other people interact, there may be collaborations in work or social interactions where you can notice how others may indicate where one person ends and the other starts. See how they may indicate their availability and willingness to give.
Of course, not everybody will be practicing boundaries in reciprocal relationships! You may witness some codependent behaviours or enmeshment between people. People may also be overly independent and prefer to operate on their own, without relying on others for help (also known as avoident).
Your aim is to simply notice how different people manage these dynamics and to bring in greater awareness to the choices and limits around what you may be willing to give.
Ways to practice interdependence:
Limited options
If you are setting up a meeting and you actually have a fully flexible week ahead, get into the habit of offering just a couple of options for potential meeting times. That way, you are acknowledging that you would like to meet with this other person and that your available time for the other person is limited. Because you have other ways to use your time, even if it’s just for your relaxation.
Limiting your emotional availability
Another, more challenging, boundary to practice could be if you notice strong emotions coming up during a difficult discussion, like hurt or anger. Your boundary could be to let the other person know that you need to take a short break, then you can continue the conversation more calmly.
3. Boundaries in Newer Relationships
Good news! Boundaries are much easier to practice with people who you are getting to know. You can just tell them how it is for you right now and because they have no previous experience of you, they can accept that as reality. This ease of acceptance can be supportive for integration too, as you are being seen and known for your new ways of being, reinforcing your new identity.
An example from my experience of this was when I left the UK to live a more nomadic lifestyle. I met lots of new people and when I mentioned that I don’t drink alcohol, people simply accepted that information as a part of who I was. There were still a few curious questions about my choice, but it was generally an easy way to practice my boundary for the relatively new choice that I had made in the past year.
Whereas back in the UK, many of my friendships and community were formed through the context of enjoying music and dancing at festivals and clubs. This was a primary source of social connection and I would drink alcohol as part of the experience. So people had more curiosity or confusion or other reactions to my new boundary around drinking, which were ok but could take more energy from me to be with.
4. Behavioural Boundaries
For this last one, we are bringing in a bit more willingness to be with potential discomfort in terms of the reactions of others. Whilst this can be scary, it’s less effort than fawn-type responses such as sending messages with long paragraphs over-explaining yourself. Or even apologising for having your boundary in the first place (ouch, my former people pleaser feels that one).
Behavioural boundaries are all about showing what you are available for through your actions whilst keeping any explanations to a minimum. For example, if you don’t want to participate in gossip, you could not respond or change the subject when it may come up in conversation. Or if someone sits next to you in an event that you’d rather not spend time talking to, you can find a way to switch seats. Perhaps, seeing what other seats may be available, going to the bathroom, then choosing another seat on your way back.
With these examples there is no explanation offered, people can simply read your behaviour. There may be curious questions or even defensive responses — this is where willingness to be with potential discomfort in others comes in. This was scary for me to practice tolerating at first, I have visceral memories of my whole body screaming at me to appease the other person to make the awkwardness go away. By practicing boundaries, I have been able to cultivate self-trust and be able to navigate situations with more ease.
Back to the examples and other peoples’ reactions… whilst you don’t actually owe an explanation, if you wanted to say something, you could simply state what you are choosing over what you are avoiding. With the gossip — you could say you’re practicing a mindful simplicity and avoiding getting into other people’s stuff that doesn’t concern you. With the seat swap, you could say there may be a better view or more space. Or ‘I’m comfortable here, thank you for checking on me’. And then practice another boundary of choosing not to comment on the subject any further.
Which of Your Boundaries Can You Check in With Today?
I hope this blog article has been useful to help you think about ways to practice boundaries. I’d love to hear which you will take action on, or if you have any questions about boundaries as a people pleaser, let me know in the comments or a DM.
