12.6.15 / 11:37 am

“Failure is not an option”

(Or the one where I’m drowning)

I’m at the point in my life where every step I take, every scratch of my pencil, or every choice, matters. There is no room for mistakes, no B+’s, no this, no that, or anything really. A lot of no’s. It’s all interviews, counseling, long distance phone calls to college admission directors, homework, studying, more interviews, and all of this worrying about “oh god what am I doing with my life?” I have no time to figure out who I am or what the hell I’m aiming for. Nights are filled with empty Google docs and oh god oh god oh god does anything I do even matter my speck of a being not even on the radar if you look at the universe as a whole. And it seems as though everything piles up one after the other, paper upon paper, responsibility over responsibility, expectation over fucking expectation; I know soon enough — because I know myself far too well — that I’m going to suffocate. I am suffocating. And it’s all so much. There is no room for mistakes, no room for missed opportunities, every open door must be examined, tried out, and accounted for because “this is it, you’ve only got one life so don’t screw it up.” And I believe it.

And along the way…I miss so much. I forget to enjoy the beauty of everything because I’m locked in a box of research papers with a microscope of criticism examining my every move. I feel like a science experiment rather than a kid trying to create memories for when none of this matters anymore. Despite it all, I believe it: failure is not an option. Once all of this worrying about my future is over, then I’ll enjoy my life. For now, it’s forget everyone, forget everything, forget it all. All of this shit has to lead to something better in the end. I’m a void of feelings because my feelings don’t matter right now. My focus should be put into responsibilities that determine my living rather than on the people and experiences that make me feel alive.