The Spark of Affection

It’s not every day your heart beats outside of your chest. Usually it’s nerves — sometimes, it’s excitement. But not all forms of excitement elicit this…

Boom, ba boom.

It has to be something captivating. Something magical. Something that tiptoes the border of beautiful but doesn’t cross it. For crossing that border would be love. But just brushing up against it? That’s the spark of affection.

I was all nervous when we first met. It wasn’t through a friend of a friend, or even a website. It was a blind date like they used to do back in the day. We planned on meeting at 7:30 pm, and I knew I couldn’t be a minute late for this date. In fact, I should arrive 10 minutes early. It looked like being fashionably late was not an option for me this time. Whoa. I took a breath of relief. The truth is, I never believed in that “fashionably late” rule anyway.

I arrived in style. Lululemon on the bottom, Gap sale-rack tank on top. Ready for the kicker? No makeup. Yep – I said it, first date and I’m already letting my blackheads shine. Double Whoa. Who am I?

I’m 26 years-old. I moved to LA two months ago for a job and a new adventure. In my life up to this point, I’ve fallen in love with men, with brands, with jobs, with food (don’t we all?) with other countries, other cultures, and other people. But there’s someone I’ve never really fallen in love with. And that’s… myself. Who falls in love with themselves? That must be selfish. That’s totally weird. Or is it?

The clock struck 7:30 pm on the dot. Everyone around me stood up. My blind date was starting. The room was hot. I’m talking 95 degrees hot. Little dollar store candles were on the edge of every mat and flickered in sync with each another. Some may call them cheap. But me? A fortunate manufacturer’s default.

You know I picked the “romantic” class on purpose, right? After all, this was a date with myself. And what would I love more than a candlelit evening by the fire? Ok, it felt like I was by a fire. I’m checking that box.

Within the first minute, I felt the teacher’s energy. It was a wild kind of energy. An energy so perfect I wish someone would wrap it up and sell it as a breakfast bar in my neighborhood Whole Foods. I would buy cases.

My blind date was underway. I had no reason to pick this yoga studio. I didn’t know the teachers. I didn’t know the street name. I didn’t survey the parking situation like I did when I selected my supermarket. All I knew is that I was alone on my mat somewhere – surrounded by others also on a journey to “fall in love”. Yes, with thy self — that imperfect person standing in the mirror before us, only visible due to the collective flicker given off by those… dare I say it… shitty little lights.

We spend a lot of time in our lives focused on other people and on other things. We give others our love, our positive energy, our hearts and our time. But I’ve noticed that if it’s one thing we all fail to do, it’s giving that love, that time, that energy to ourselves, as much — and as often.

There have been moments in my life, and I’m sure moments in your life where you’ve come close to “falling in love” with yourself. But the truth is for me, it’s always been lust. I’ve gotten caught up in the superficial things. Times where I’ve decided I liked my personality — but my butt? Just too big. Then other times where I’ve liked my butt, but my personality? Just too big.
Every time I try to accept “myself for myself” big butt AND big personality, I get close — but no…Kardashian.

But in order to be the best for others – we have to find the best in ourselves. And if you’ve been like me where you’ve tried, I’m sure you can agree that true love must take time… and devotion.

My first date is almost over. My how time flies when you’re falling in love. Things have gotten real. Feelings are alive. We’re sweating, we’re flowing, and we’re in the zone. With a 2-month yoga hiatus I took due settling in this new life, I must be honest with you, this class is kicking my big…

Luckily, it was now time to hit the floor. We laid front side down, ready to get our heart rates up. If you’ve taken a Bikram- style class, you know where I am. Pose 16 through 19: Cobra, Locust, Full Locust, Bow. Between each pose, you have a moment of rest. After the first pose, you lay your left ear on the mat and look right. After the second, right ear on the mat, and look left. Something crazy happens while your ear is to the ground. You hear something.

Boom… ba boom.

As I was laying there – listening to this sound of my heart watching the candelights flicker to the very beat, I realized those little fuckers… I mean flickers.. we’re in sync. Not only with my heartbeat, but with the rhythm of my soul.

That heart-skipping, sweat-inducing feeling is something we recognize as good, even great. As lust, even love. But that feeling is not just limited to external romance. That feeling — that’s the spark of affection. The first sign you know your date has gone well. Whether it’s with someone else… or yourself.

I’ve started my mission to sync up with my soul. If I felt a spark on date #1, I can only imagination what I’ll feel as I put real time, energy and devotion into this newfound “love life.”

The funny thing about love is, it doesn’t always work out the way we plan for or the way we hope. But then again, neither does life. Like my new yoga teacher said, “sometimes, all we can do is breathe.”

And well — blog.

Until date #2,
Andrea