An Open Letter to All the Men on the Ever-Popular Internet Dating Sites

Dear Gentlemen and Others,

After approximately one year of fishing in the sea of men called the Internet, I thought you might appreciate some helpful tips when it comes to winning my affections, which oh so many of you appear to desire, yet equal numbers have no clue as to how to obtain.

Let’s start with some basics. If I say in my profile that I am seeking a relationship, yet you are only interested in intimate encounters, chances are that I will not be interested in you. While I realize that you may not understand the distinction, there is, in fact, a difference.

I am, indeed, very flattered when you tell me that I’m beautiful. Unless, of course, you follow that with a statement that includes the words “boobs,” “tits,” “tickle,” or indicates how much you’d like to f**k me. I believe I’m speaking for most women when I say that’s not the best way for a complete stranger to seduce us, or any man for that matter.

If your profile is something of a hostile missive with a laundry list of all the things you are not looking for in a woman and/or the ways that your last girlfriend or ex-wife screwed you over, chances are, I am going to suspect that you may just be an angry bastard, even if you don’t see yourself as such.

If in your photo you’re wearing a t-shirt that says “Lady Killer,” I may, in fact, shy away, given that I’d prefer not to date men with homicidal tendencies, if taken literally, or those who just want another notch in their belt when considering the more figurative side.

Speaking of notches in your belt, if in your profile you note in 1 to 3 different ways that you are not a player, I may begin to assume the opposite, just for shits and giggles.

Generally speaking, most women don’t care about, nor are they impressed by pictures of your motorcycle. Or your naked chest. I’ll take my chances and opt to see your naked chest if we ever get to a point when I’d consider you taking off your shirt appropriate.

And please, for the love of all things holy, do not include pics of you with your kids. I don’t want to date them, I’m quite certain they won’t really like me, and you show poor judgment by putting pictures of your kids on an Internet dating site. (By the way, I’m sure your ex-wife would be thrilled that you have pictures of the kids on an Internet dating site.)

Ditto for pics of you with your ex, your parents, all your drinking buddies, or really anyone else. It leads me to wonder if any of those people in your pictures know that they, too, are on an Internet dating site.

Gentlemen with frosted tips need not apply.

Also, while I know this sounds crazy, if you write about your cheating ex in your profile, I might assume you’re not quite over that whole experience and just pass you by.

Conversely, if you ask me to marry you in the very first sentence you write to me, I may get a bit skittish.

They don’t teach this next tip in all Internet dating classes, so I’ll share it with you here as a special favor. If you happen upon a co-worker, or dare I say your ex-wife (ie, me), on said dating site, it is a common courtesy to NOT look at their profile. Especially since I can see who viewed me in the conveniently named “Viewed Me” section. (Yes, this really did happen.)

While I often swear like a sailor and appreciate the occasional use of the middle finger as an expression of how I’m feeling, if your main photo is of you flipping me the bird, I find it a little disconcerting.

Also, I get that your photo from 10 to 20 years ago may make you look younger, and perhaps even more handsome, but that has a tendency to backfire when I meet you in person and you look older than my dad. Just sayin’.

Now this may be me jumping to conclusions, but if you have a picture of you sporting a firearm, I might think that maybe some day I’ll piss you off and you’ll shoot me. I think that your NRA membership is better shared on the second or third date, assuming we get that far.

The same goes for any other combination of traits that might lead me to believe you’re a colossal douchebag.

Let’s be honest here…I was really hoping that I would bump into the love of my life while I was ordering an iced decaf mocha at Starbucks or at a friend’s barbeque, or sitting on the patio of my favorite bistro. But since that hasn’t happened, I, like so many of my soul sisters with diminished hopes, have dipped my toes into the wild waters of Internet dating. You may actually be a nice guy. Given that possibility, why not take a few short moments in cyberspace to say something to me that you would actually say if you were standing in front of me in person? I’m just hazarding a guess here, but chances are you wouldn’t utter a sentence with the word “tits” in it, even if you do find mine enchanting. Again, just sayin’.

Some of you less than gentle men may go off on a rant, suggesting that I am just a bitter, angry bitch, or perhaps go so far as to call me a man hater, however, I am none of those things. While occasionally sarcastic (as witnessed herein), I am generally a happy and fun-loving person and am looking to meet the same. Nor am I a man hater. In fact, I find plenty of men (although not those described herein) wonderful, attractive, and positively delightful. It is one of those that I am seeking, but oddly encountering oh so many of those listed above.

So in closing, I hope that all of you gents out there will take some or all of these tips to heart. It will only help you in the long run.

Thank you for your anticipated consideration.

Cordially,

Andrea T.

© 2014 Andrea Trbovich