You are your own worst bully and your own best friend

I was in grade 8 the first time I remember bullying myself. I’m sure I did it for years before that, but this particular moment stands out. I needed to submit a project to the school science fair but I had no idea how to make that happen. I was terrible at math and science. Even at a young age, I was always more inclined to the arts. I begged my dad to “help” me with my project because, being the smart and resourceful thirteen-year-old-girl that I was, I knew that he would end up doing it for me.

My dad, trying to love me in the best way that he knew how, agreed to “help”, and my predictions were absolutely correct. To this day, I cannot tell you what the contraption we made actually did. I think it somehow used compressed air to turn on a light bulb? Question mark? I remember being asked to give the speech during the ceremony and I felt really awkward accepting the role because although my public speaking skills were great, my understanding of my own creation was not. Thankfully, I was gregarious and outgoing enough at the time to fake it, but I would not want to do it again.

Looking back on that experience, I realized that before I’d even tried to make my own project, I told myself that I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t smart in science. I would fail. My dad could do it better. And then the final blow: I just wasn’t good enough.

I feel sad for my former self when I think about the negative talk that I convinced myself of at such a young age . She believed she couldn’t so she didn’t. I’ve heard it said that you are your own worst enemy, but a friend pointed out to me yesterday that actually, I am my own worst bully.

I tell myself that I can’t do things I’ve already proven I can do. I won’t look back on old projects or work that I’ve completed because all I can see are critiques and mistakes that I’ve made. I automatically default to whoever else is in the room if I start to feel insecure or worried that I’m not capable enough to complete a task — especially when it comes to film and video production (my current field of work).

Do other people feel this but no one talks about it? Are people talking about it but no one’s telling me? Maybe you’re reading this and you’ve felt what my thirteen-year-old-self felt all those years ago. Can you pinpoint a time when you defaulted to someone else because you thought you couldn't do it? Have you seen the remnants of those self-bullying pep-talks in your adult life? I know I sure have.

Just last night, I was out on a film shoot for a website that I co-founded called Resilient One, and I had a moment of panic when I realized that I was going to have to film everything (I’ve included a few pictures from the shoot because they were so pretty!). My main role for Resilient One is to film and edit all of the video’s and content that we create, so filming the video should not have been a surprise. For some reason when we got to the park to start shooting, I tangibly felt the panic slowly bubbling up in my chest. I felt the sudden need to quit and stop everything. My boss, Drew, came to the shoot with us so I begged him to film it for me. He said no. Ugh! I got out of the car and started fiddling with the camera. After months of working with this camera, I still find myself learning how to use it properly. I tried again to see if Drew would film, but unlike so many other times in my life when people let me default to them when I felt insecure, Drew refused. He knew that I could do it even if I didn’t.

We started filming and as I began to tell myself the usual negative self-talk — these shots look terrible, I’m not doing this right, someone else should be filming, I’m not a good camera person, why am I even trying? — my friend Kristine came up beside me and began to whisper encouragements and positive feedback. The conflicting voices were so loud.

But as Kristine continued to speak words of affirmation, I slowly felt my body start to relax. I allowed myself to focus on the creative flow rather than the panic that was trying to choke out my joy.

I let myself listen to and believe the words that Kristine was saying — you were made for this moment, these shots look beautiful because you are doing a great job, you are good enough. It’s amazing what a few simple words said at the exact right moment can do for your confidence. By the end of the shoot, I was happy with what we had accomplished and I was actually excited to go look at the footage.

While we were driving home, I was tempted to feel embarrassed about my panic at the start of the shoot. I wanted to fall back into old ways and tell myself all kinds of mean things so that even the victory of completing the shoot well would be overshadowed by the mistake I’d made at the beginning of thinking that it wouldn’t go well. Are you seeing how crazy this is?! I think I might just now be recognizing the pattern of my negative thoughts. It’s a vicious cycle we bullies find ourselves in when we let our mean voice win.

Let’s stop doing this to ourselves. If you find that, like me, you are your own worst bully and you always have been, why don’t we stop doing that together. Maybe you won’t complete or finish the thing that you want to do right away, but how about — and I know this is crazy — you give yourself the freedom to try? Start that project or business. Make at least one practical step today that will bring you a little bit closer to your dream.

But before you do, and this might be the most important thing you read: know that when you take that step and start something, your inner-bully is going to come out STRONG. She’ll come at you like a force and you won’t be prepared. Make sure that you have a network of friends and a community around you that will immediately counteract your inner-bully with love. And by all means, tell that bully to eff-off! You have important, life changing, WORLD CHANGING work that only you can do, so don’t let yourself stop you.

I wasn’t planning on this turning into an inspirational rant, but the more vulnerable I become about my own brokenness and insecurities, the more I realize that I am the only one who can do something to change them. In the same way that I am my own worst bully, I am also my own best friend. My community could tell me a thousand times that I am enough, but if I don’t believe it, nothing will ever change. I will never be able to fully engage in the calling that God has placed on my life unless I embrace myself for me — flaws and all.

If you’re reading this and you find that you are in a similar place, be kind to yourself, and, if you’re up for it, give your inner-bully a hug. We all know bullies only become that way because they were once bullied. Maybe through the reconciliation of that figurative hug, today could be the day that your bully becomes your best friend.