It’s Saturday night in New York City and you are looking for a fun way to spend the night. You stumble upon a stand-up comedy show, in which the featured comedians are *gasp* four women. Now you are faced with a decision to make: should you avoid it and not waste your time since you’ve heard the (ridiculous) idea that women are not funny? Or should you give it a try and see if these women can wow you?
If you chose the latter — great job! You will not regret it.
So, you are in the presence of four women who are most likely funnier, more talented, smarter, and sexier than you (it’s okay to feel intimidated). Amy Schumer, Rachel Feinstein, Nikki Glaser, and Marina Franklin take you on a journey through their lives, struggles and opinions, while making you laugh from beginning to end.
Women are not funny. This is what Christopher Hitchens claimed in his 2007 Vanity Fair essay, titled as such. Hitchens is a polemic and controversial writer. He describes himself as a socialist, Marxist, and atheist. He is a harsh critic of the Clintons as well as George W. Bush, and he fully supported the Iraqi war. He has unique and direct opinions and he claims that “anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line and kiss [his] arse.” Hitchens has written many articles tackling several controversial topics, such as wars, the United States government and its officials, and of course, female comedians.
In his piece, Hitchens addresses the stereotypes that comediennes tend to have: “hefty, ‘dykey,’ Jewish, or a combination of the three,” as if these were the only possible characteristics for a “good” female comedian. He then transitions into the idea that men expect women to be an audience, not competitors. “Precisely because humor is a sign of intelligence (and society has taught women that they become threatening to men if they appear too bright), it could be that in some way, men do not want women to be funny” (Hitchens). For many years, women have lived under the idea that they can be smart, but not too smart, otherwise they will threaten the man. Similarly, when a female comedian takes the stage and kills, she is a threat to men. However, Hitchens makes it seem as if women take on the stage solely to appeal to men. Excuse me — but last time I checked, a comedienne’s goal is to appeal to her audience and kill it, not to appeal to men! However, this hilarious quartet completely defies and contradicts Hitchens’ beliefs and stereotypes of female comedians through their one-hour stand up special Women Who Kill. Not only have they absolutely killed it on stage, but they also killed the ridiculous idea that women are not funny.
Now, let’s focus on the actual context of the killing. Comedy critic Jason Heideman, of the Chicago Tribune, coined the term the “Big Five” of Stand Up Comedy. The “Big Five” are the five recurrent topics that make an appearance in every stand-up comedian’s repertoire: sex, drugs, family, body image, and work. Keeping this in mind, after watching and transcribing the hour-long episode, I noticed that all four comediennes did indeed tackle three out of the “big five”: sex/relationships, family, and body image.
Sex composes 90% of the topics employed in this comedy special. Schumer’s first joke starts out as, “the guy I’m dating right now isn’t even good looking, but he’s so rich…” And then she goes on to contradict her first statement, which was “People think I’m shallow cause I’m really pretty.” Her topics range from an ex boyfriend with a sexual disease, to one with Tourettes disease, to dating a 3'11" Cuban named César, to ~plot twist~ interacting with a female audience member and “fingering her,” to the Plan B morning-after pill actually being Plan-A, to a Hispanic, Catholic boyfriend. As proof that she is the greatest, she asks a couple in her audience “How long?,” the couple — just like any other normal person would — thought that Schumer was referring to timeframe, but no, she was referring to the length of the penis. Classic.
Following the same pattern, Feinstein starts off with “I went on this sort of strange date this week” with a voluptuous man. She then narrates her experience meeting a drunk man in Vegas who claims Vegas is all about “sex an’ money.” There’s the male-feminist boyfriend who doesn’t believe in erections whose way of talking dirty goes along the lines of “I’m gonna give you some unconditional love, huh?” And to top it off, she talks about the men who work outside of her apartment and basically sexually harass her and her friend. Glaser takes another approach as she touches on this topic in third place. She shares her tactics on how to keep herself from having sex (by not shaving her legs) but then explains that if a man buys her dinner at Chili’s, she owes him. She talks about her experience in a long-distance relationship and all the Skype “adventures” as well as her friend who was domestically abused by her boyfriend (I’m still surprised as to how they can be funny while tackling these topics). She then goes from Nikki(her original name)to Nique$ (her name while dating a black guy), to Ni-kkk-i (her name after breaking up with the black guy). Franklin focuses on the racial aspect of dating. She talks about her experience dating a younger white guy, which didn’t make her a cougar, but a black panther. She then offers advice to the women in the audience for how to not appear crazy or desperate when looking for a man — she even compares it to prostitutes looking for clients. Ultimately, she talks about her experiences dating men of different races, and the eating habits she acquired according to the guy she dated (an American didn’t let her finish her food, yet a Puerto Rican wanted her to eat constantly for the “fat a*s”).
The topic of family is present in all four comedians. Schumer introduces her great grandmother (who died in her arms… because she was choking her) by comparing her to the Crypt Keeper and the turtle from Never Ending Story. She then goes on to explain that she took her to the set of the show Antiques Roadshow, but was only able to get $50 worth her great grandmother. Feinstein on the other hand, has a very sassy mother with a spiked hair-do, who can “sniff out the streets” in people and loves attending MC battles. Glaser addressed the fact that having a family of your own is hard — narrating the story of her friend who has a baby (because she kidnapped it). Franklin closes the act by reenacting an encounter she had with an African-American mother disciplining her son. Apparently, she was treating the child in a very rude way, and Franklin tried to intervene, yet it took the wrong turn. The mother was not longer yelling at her child, but now she was running after Franklin threatening her and yelling “Imma whoop yo a*s!”
Even though body image is not as big as sex and relationships, or family, it still is a component of the “Big Five,” and it is employed by a majority of the comedians. Schumer expresses her concern for the lines that have been appearing on her face because of the aging process, to which her friends advices by suggesting to “stop using [her] face so much.” Feinstein’s friend is “made to feel guilty” about being a female because of her “heavy-brested” features. And Franklin addresses a trend she adapts: she changes her diet according to the guy (and his race) she is dating.
In this transcription, I decided to focus on Amy Schumer’s show. What is so unique about Schumer is that she can “spout proudly prejudiced views, mean-girl put-downs and meticulously recounted sexual exploits with a wholesome, apple-cheeked cheer” (Zinoman). Bright blonde and bubbly, Schumer’s jokes cover a variety of topics such as sex, dating, aging and race — and these get dark, yet she is always light. What makes Schumer so great — besides her killer jokes — is that she has a relatable, girl-next-door persona. Her greatest ability is that she is able to be utterly honest without being mean. Amy started her stand up career when she appeared in the Gotham Comedy Club in 2004, and then she went on to participate on Last Comic Standing. She is also known because of her Comedy Central show, Inside Amy Schumer, and her one-hour long stand up comedy special, Mostly Sex Stuff. She is currently the writer and is starring in the movie Trainwreck, which will be premiering on July 2015. Praise the Gods for more Amy Schumer!
Women Who Kill
(2012) Amy Schumer, Rachel Feinstein, Nikki Glaser, Marina Franklin
>> ANNOUNCER: Amy Schumer! (Applause, cheering, whistling)
>> SCHUMER: Wow. Thank you. Thank you all so much for being here. To be a part of tonight is amazing. Welcome. It’s so cool to get to do a show not only with four women, but with three of my best friends. So thank you for being a part of tonight. Give yourselves a hand. (Cheering)
I’m dressed up.
I know this dress makes me look pregnant.
I look pregnant, but you know, dress for the job that you want. So… (Laughter)
People always assume that I’m shallow, cause I’m really pretty.
But no, I’m really not. I’m not shallow at all.
Like, the guy I’m seeing right now isn’t even good looking. I’m serious.
No one’s ever like, “Who’s that?” They’re like, “What happened? Is he ill? Should we call someone?”
I’ve just, I’ve never cared about that stuff, you know? And he’s so rich that, um… (Laughter)
It doesn’t come up. I can’t hear him with the bag. But, uh… (Laughter)
I’ve recently, I’ve been thinking about getting some work done to him, and, uh… I think I’m gonna do it. Uh…
No, he’s really cute. He looks like one of the guys from The Hills… Have Eyes.
So… Yeah, it’s great.
No, the truth is, right now, I’m going through a breakup.
Well, he doesn’t know it yet.
Technically, I’m just cheating on him, but… It’s weird.
Uh, I just threw him… I just threw him a surprise party.
It wasn’t his birthday, but I wanted like, a really fun way to tell him he had HPV, so… (Laughter)
So surprised, you guys. Super surprised.
I have, like, OxyCotin mouth. Um…
I just went to L.A.
Has anyone ever had their self-esteem lowered?
Uh, wow. That place will ruin your life.
They’re like, “Can you lose 30 pounds to play the fat friend?”
I was like, “Great.” Thanks.
You guys don’t like cellulite on the face here? Uh…
Everybody was hot there.
The only guy who came close to hitting on me was this dude from Georgia, like the inbred, not the country.
And he walks up. He’s wearing overalls and a sailor hat, but I’m like, “Who am I to judge?” Right?
Like, maybe he’s got a boat somewhere and it need a-paintin’.
Uh… there’s water here, right?
But, God, that place is weird.
I got stung by a jellyfish my first day… or at least, that’s what the guy who was peeing on me told me. Um…
I don’t remember going in the water, but I’m not a doctor, so… Not a doctor.
I pee in the ocean.
(To audience member) Do you, gorgeous?
Good girl. She’s like, “Mm-hmm, I do whatever I want in there.”
Good for you. Good for you.
I do, I’ll admit it, but I go in just ankle deep. (Laughter)
Pretend like I’m a fountain. Uh…
So, I’m aging poorly.
I’m 19. Um…
No, I’m in my late 20s.
Like, (Mumbles) as late as you can be in your 20s, and…
So, I was talking to my friend, and I was like, “I’m noticing lines, you know, on my face.” And she’s like, “Well, just stop using it so much.” (Laughter)
“What do you mean?” Uh…
She goes, “Well, look, this is how I laugh now.” (Shrill laughter)
I’m like, “Are you sobbing right now? What’s…”
I’d rather look like I’m dying than crazy. Uh…
My great grandma just died.
She actually died in my arms, cause I was choking her, and, uh…
No, she was a million years old. Like, it was crazy she was still alive.
Like, she looked like the Crypt Keeper, you know, and the turtle from NeverEnding Story just…
She’d get her hair done once a week, but she’d call it getting a blowjob.
Wow, retirement’s awesome. (Laughter)
But we got to do something really special before her organs started failing one by one.
Do you know the show, Antiques Roadshow?
If you’re a stoner, you know that show, right? “How much is that lamp worth? Aah…” She loved it. She loved it.
So, I got to bring her to a taping, you know, to see what I could get for her, and… (Laugher)
They thought she was gargoyle. Just… (Groans)
Really scary bitch. Uh…
I, uh, I get confused by the title of reality shows.
You don’t want to know what I thought Survivor was about if you’re a Jew.
I… (Laughter) It’s a mixed bag.
I’m a Jew. Are there any chosen… yeah? (Applause, cheering)
A couple. Crazy for New York.
Uh, I just went to our homeland. Have you ever been to Miami?
I… Great place. Yeah, that place…
Everybody was hot there, too. And everybody’s hot here.
Well, you know, not like here here. Uh…
But no, that place…
And they have these things in Miami, have you seen them?
The little, um, uh, Cuban people. (Laughter)
If you blink, you’ll miss them.
I’m telling you, they’re tiny. A teeny folk.
But, uh, I met my first Cuban guy.
Ladies, listen to this guy’s name: César.
How hot is that, right?
I was like, “are you kidding me?”
And he’s three-11. I don’t give a shit.
I’m like, “What, do we have to go to amusement parks? No. (Laughter)
We’ll join Netflix, something. I don’t know we’ll figure it out.”
So cute, this Cuban.
And the way I met him, we were at the hotel restaurant, and I was just like, trying to order breakfast, you know? It was the day I was having carbs, very rare.
And, uh, I’m like, “Hi. Can I have a corn muffin?”
You know, the waitress, she’s like, “Oh, that guy just got the last one. We only have chocolate chip muffins left.”
So Cesar hears this, and he comes over and he’s like, “Excuse me, you could take the corn muffin. I will have the chocolate chip.”
I’m like, “How cute is this guy? But you know we’re not allowed to trade with you fuckers, so what…” (Laughter)
Not up to me. Oh…
People always think ‘cause I’m a white female that I don’t deal with racism, and I don’t, but, uh… (Laughter)
I saw that movie, Jungle Fever. I get it. You know?
I love black and white movies.
But no, I totally… (Laughter) totally dealt with racism growing up.
I grew up, I was like the only Jew in my town.
The kids were so mean.
They didn’t call me Amy Schumer, they called me Amy Jew-mer. Thank you, ma’am.
Wow. Uh… And one summer, I’ll never forget, they all took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me.
I’m like, “Excuse me… This is awesome. Oh, my God. This is like the well scene in Goonies.”
I was like, “Make it rain.” Oh.
The beginning of Duck Tales. I was like, ♪Woo-hoo!♪
It was… (Sighs) It was good. Uh…
But I’m cool with all races, all religions.
Like, what are you? (To audience member)
>> Korean, Puerto Rican.
>> SCHUMER: Oh, not my fav. Uh… (Laughter)
Korean and Puerto Rican, and you’re goddamn gorgeous.
Why are all these gorgeous mixed girls…?
You have to be two things to be amazing now.
You look like the most beautiful alien I’ve ever seen in my life. I would love to finger you. I… (Laughter)
Can you believe you can say finger on TV? Um… (Laughter, applause)
Oh, thank you. It means the world. It means the world.
No, you don’t like it? Okay.
Uh, no, but I really am all races, religions. That’s why I love New York.
Like, I was on the subway the other day, and there was this little old woman sitting next to me.
You know when they get really little and old?
You know, like, she looked like a raisin?
I was like, “Ah! I want to put you in my cereal.” Ah… “Get in there.” So cute…
I mean, we all shrink.
Like, my mom’s shrinking. I’m like, “Why are you complaining? Osteoporosis is so cute on you. Look at that!”
I keep hiding the milk from her.
I’m like, “Mm-mm-mm! Not till you’re a figurine, bitch.”
This woman, I mean, she’s like in downward dog.
I was, like, “Why is your spine asking a question?”
So… Uh, sometimes God gets it wrong.
So out of nowhere, she asked me, she was, like, “Have you heard the good news?”
So I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I’m just, like, “No. Like, is the morning-after pill over the counter again? Like. What’s…?”
For a lot of us, that shit’s plan A, right? So… (Applause)
I’m from Long Island. Uh… I don’t really have a plan.
Um, I’m just like, “What is this good news?” You know? “Fill me in, Blanche.”
And she was, like, “No.” She explained. Like, she was inviting me to her church. Like, she was trying to save me.
And I was like, “Oh, ma’am, I’m so sorry, but my people are Jewish.”
And she was like, “Well, that’s okay, Your people just haven’t found Jesus yet.”
And I’m like, “No. Like, we found him. Uh… Maybe you haven’t heard the bad news.”
(To audience) I want you to think about why you’re clapping. I uh…
I just went to Amsterdam.
Has anyone ever made a mistake? (Cheers and applause)
(To audience member) Did you go to the red-light district?
You did? Did you get a prostitute?
Yeah, you did. Good for you.
I did, too. But I just made her, like tickle my arm and tell me I’m better than her.
Uh, money well spent. Uh…
‘Cause this breakup, I’ve been getting set up a lot.
My friend, my new friend, set me up with this guy, and she warned me, she was like, “He’s really cool, but he has Tourette’s.”
So, I was like, “That’s fine.” In my head, I was like, “Ah!”
But we went out, and literally, it was fine.
It wasn’t bad at all, you know? And I was feeling comfortable halfway through the date and entering a blackout.
And… so I’m like, “Evan… what makes you tick.” And… didn’t love it.
Uh, no, but he was cool.
And we did, we wound up having sex.
And there was, like, yelling of racial slurs and swinging and spitting.
And he honestly didn’t seem to mind, so…
It’s just that this time of year I get seasonally slutty, and… (Scattered applause) There are the sluts. Uh…
I feel like some of you think I’m completely insane.
I’m a good person; normal, natural.
Like, I don’t even bleach anything except my asshole, and…
No, I tie-dye it. I tie-dye it.
I am. I’m proud of my, I’m a good person.
I was raised well. My mom teaches the deaf.
And I volunteer every summer at the Special Olympics.
Has anyone ever competed? Yeah? Uh…
No, I love it. I love it ‘cause, like, the kids, they just think that it’s like the Olympics, you know?
So I have to explain to them, like, “Hey, you guys, it’s not!” And… This past summer was impossible ‘ cause they’re all, like, “Then why does Michael Phelps look like us?”
And I’m like, “Uh…!”
(Drinks water and dries face with cloth) Uh, cocaine is a hell of a drug. Um…
All right, back to me killing. I was…
No, this relationship I’m in is destined… I’m telling you, it’s so over.
Like, he’s, like, really religious. He’s Catholic, you know? So he feels like, really guilty right after sex.
So I pretend like I feel guilty, too.
I’m like, “Uh, I feel really bad! Maybe you should go home…”
Why do they think we want to be held all night?
I like sleeping by myself like a swastika.
I’m like, boiinggg!
He is all up on this. Uh…
Oh, God, he’s great.
He’s like, very neat for a boy, you know? Like, he always cleans up his mess right away, no matter where he gets it on me, and…
He’s Hispanic, so he’s like, “Now who’s the wetback?”
I’m like “Hey! Still you. (Chuckles) Oh, get back in the kitchen. Those dishes aren’t gonna do themselves.”
But this crowd is too attractive. I requested an ugly, ugly audience, especially the front row.
Like, look at you. You’re gorgeous. You guys together? How long?
No, how long. (Puts hands in the air, measuring distance)
Like I want to hear their timeline. (Mocks) Oh.
You’re so cute. What’s your name?
>>SCHUMER: Grayson? Okay, uh…
No, like, you’re adorable.
Like, I wouldn’t even report you if you date-raped me.
Like, look at Grayson, right? Look at him.
You guys can’t see him, but even the guys would be excited.
Well, I would report you, but just to, like, see you at the lineup.
I’d be, like, “Grayson! (Squeals) It’s me! Remember?” (Sighs)
Is that how you guys met or…?
So that’s a shame.
Grayson… God, that’s why they need Google in the delivery room, right?
So when your mom was, like, “I’m gonna name him Grayson,” Google shows up and says, “Did you mean ‘Steve’?”
You guys have been amazing. Thank you for coming. (Cheering and whistling)
>> ANNOUNCER: Rachel Feinstein! (cheering and whistling)
>> FEINSTEIN: Thank you. (Cheering, whistling continues) Thank you.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Thank you. It’s good to be here.
I’ve had sort of a weird week.
I went on this sort of strange date recently.
I went out with this guy, and he took off his coat, and he had, like, pronounced hips.
Now, I don’t care if a guy’s like 20 or 30 pounds overweight, but don’t be voluptuous.
I think that’s really all I ask is just don’t come to our date with a willowy, childbearing frame.
I don’t care if you’re fat, but don’t look knocked up. That’s gonna confuse me.
I do have a hard time meeting guys.
I’m on the road a lot, which is hard.
I was just working in Vegas recently, and I was lying by the pool, and I saw this guy walk up.
From pretty far away I could already tell he was a douche.
He was one of those guys, you’re like, “Yeah, there’s a douche,” and uh…
My favorite type: just kind of like a young, date-raping jock. You know those guys?
Like, he looked like he just graduated from Rape Tech or some shit.
Like his name was Chad, you know?
And he walks up to me and he goes…
He was sort of so drunk that he was kind of gently swaying, which I always find very arousing. Just sort of a… (Imitates swaying)
That’s when you stop as a woman and you go, “He chose me. He chose me. He chose me. I’m worth it.”
He walks up to me, he goes, (Slurring): “I bet chu don’t know what Vegas is really about.”
I was like, “No, but I think this prince over here is gonna tell me.”
And he goes, “It’s actually about sex an’ money.”
Like, I was gonna be like, “But I thought Vegas was about unconditional love and eating organic and, and caring for someone into the winter of their life.
I thought Vegas was about loving someone so much that you just held them in a hospital bed and didn’t care if they made it or not. Just wanted to stay there.
It was that kind of loyalty and trust, but now you mean to tell me that all this time…
Now Vegas and money have been in cahoots with each other?
Well, if what you say is true, I’ve got to tell the detectives, and fast. (Cheering)
Even my breasts are concerned. I’m scared something awful!”
And then he walks, then he walks up to the next grouping of women.
He was just disgusted with me. He didn’t care for my sass ‘cause she just wanted to be inside of anything, right? And, uh…
I was just like, ugh… And he walks up to the next group of women, and he just looks at them and he goes, “You ladies should come back to our room. We’ve got vodka up the ass.” (Laughter)
And I was like, see, that’s — that’s what Vegas is about.
It’s about vodka up the ass. (Laughter)
It’s also a book about mindfulness by Deepak Chopra. Vodka Up the Ass and Other Morning Meditations. (Laughter)
I, uh, I think my fear is, like with men and meeting the right guy, I’m afraid I’m just gonna get really tired after a series of failed relationships, and it’ll be like in the movies.
Whenever the woman leaves the guy that beats her, she always ends up with some soft, bearded theater teacher, you know? He’s not even really a man. (Laughter)
Some guy that whispers like a therapist all the time.
He looks like he teaches, like, Soft Dude Studies in Horticulture at Hofstra or something. (Audience laughs, whoops)
I, uh, yeah, that’s my fear. Like, he won’t even have a man’s body. Like…
And he’ll just take off his shirt and there’ll be like a calming smear that I’m forced to have sex with. (Laughter)
The kind of guy that his mane is Richard, but he won’t be called Rich. Like he actually just prefers the full name.
Like, “I just prefer Richard, rather than Rick or Rich, if that’s okay. I’ve always just liked the full name, Richard. Yeah.”
And he’ll sooth me too much during sex. Like, I won’t even be nervous, but he’ll always be like, “I just want you to feel safe, okay? Do you feel safe? (Laughter)
Why don’t we just stop and have some soup?
Would you like that? Huh? Have some soup?
Maybe some soft carrots? I’ve always loved soft carrots. (Laughter)
I don’t even believe in erections.
I’m a bit of a male feminist, and, uh… I think they’re pretty darn aggressive.
So they are not gonna happen here, not on my watch.
Just gonna fold it in half and put it in that way.” (Laughter)
Why would he fold it in half?
I feel like Richard’s idea of talking dirty would be like, “I’m gonna give you some unconditional love, huh?
Do you like that, you little slut, huh?
I feel like we’re not doing enough to protect our national parks.
What do you think, you little whore, huh?
How about I give it to you just a little bit harder, huh you filthy little slut? Yeah.”
And then… and then we’d have one of those weird kids with peanut allergies, you know, like…
It wouldn’t even be like a reasonable peanut allergy, either.
It’d be one of those kids that goes into toxic shock of he has a nut, you know?
It’s just like, really? Really?
And he’d love me just a little more than I loved him.
Like, you’d love him, you’d love him, you would, you know?
But he’d love you just a little more, you know?
Like he’d be one of those kids, like, you’d take him to a birthday party when he’s like ten, and he’s still holding onto your leg, and you’re like, “All right, just go play, Josh. Just play.”
And he’d be like, “I just prefer Joshua, if that’s okay, I’ve just… (Applause, laughter)
I’ve just always liked the full name Joshua.
Why would I go play when I could go home with you, and we could work on my ant farm instead?
It’s full of so much possibility. Let’s go home and have charged discussions about that.
The eye contact between the two of us feels fantastic right now.”
My, uh, my mom just came up to visit me recently. My mom’s really sassy.
I don’t know if anyone, like, has a parent like this, nut my mom’s got one of those crazy sort of overly-spiked hair dos.
Her hair just keeps getting more and more aggressive every time I see her.
She looks insane. She looks a lot like Vanilla Ice at this point. Um…
Her hair looks like it was cut by a computer.
And she really wants to be black or ethnic somehow. Like, it’s really embarrassing.
She works with all these black women, so she makes them take, like, all these outdoor pictures with her, and it’s just like…
She puts them all up over the kitchen, so she can pretend like she has all these black friends, you know?
And it’s just 20 depressed, completely indifferent-looking black women.
And my mom in the middle, lunging, like this. (Laughter)
Her favorite thing to tell people now is that she should’ve been black.
It’s just really weird. Like at parties and stuff, she’s always like, “People always tell me, they go, ‘Karen, you should’ve been black.’
And it’s true. I dance like I’m black. (Laughter)
I’m a very, very, soulful dancer.”
Meanwhile, her dancing is actually so awful it’s confusing.
Like, I don’t know what’s going on she’s dancing.
I know I don’t feel safe, um…
She sort of dances like she’s stirring herself.
It’s just this very problematic frontal stirring.
A lot of sideways accusatory glances. (Applause, laughter)
Some real, real fucked-up shit.
And her staff takes her to MC battles. Like, it’s a serious crisis in the family.
My mom has been, my aggressively white mom, has been to, like, ten battles this year.
Now she’s getting cocky, like she’s got all these opinions about the rappers.
Like the last battle she went to, she goes, “You know what, I didn’t like tonight’s rapper. I didn’t think that he was really from the streets. I just, I didn’t buy it.”
I’m like, “Really, you can sniff out the street on someone? You teach low-impact aerobics.”
I think my mom’s a hater now.
I think she sits in the front with like, a do-rag, like, “Nah, nah, that’s not good. Nah.
Nah, I ain’t feeling that, son. Nah.”
I think she wants to be like one of those white women in the movies that save a black school.
I think that’s her dream. You know?
Like, I feel like if it was up to her, she’d get up every morning, and put on, like, a sassy leather jacket, go teach hip-hop violin the ghetto, you know?
Maybe reach out so some kid named Trey.
At some point during the day, he’d get up and be like, “Yo, I don’t need this, man! I don’t need this in my life, man.
You don’t know nothing ‘bout what I been through, man.
You don’t know nothing about the things I seen, man.
I can’t do this no more!
I can’t try this hard no more, it hurts too bad. (Whooping, applause)
This hurt too bad, Karen! I can’t push no more.”
And she’d be like, “Just go ahead and run, Trey.
Just go ahead an run from life. (Laughter)
Go ahead. Pick up your violin and run.
Damn it, Trey, you’re braver than that, and you know what? I ran once.”
And then he would come back and just cry slow thug tears.
They’d play some Jay-Z and he’d fingerblast her.
The point is, I don’t know what she wants out of… (Laughter)
I don’t know what she wants out of life. Um…
I, uh, I just moved recently.
I live in, uh, Brooklyn now.
I don’t know if anyone’s from Brooklyn here, I, um… (Cheering)
There are these guys; they work at the store on my corner.
They like to kind of like hang outside my apartment on these, uh, milk crates.
And they drink, uh, 40s all day, ‘cause they’re real winners. And um…
Every time I leave my apartment, they sort of treat me like it’s my naughty little idea to be a woman, you know?
Which is a very fun feeling, like, at around 10:00am or so when I have a hangover.
There’s this same guy…
Every time I leave my own place, he’s just standing there going, “I’m sayin’ Boo. I’m sayin’, Boo. Damn, Boo, how you gon’ do that to me?
I’m sayin’, Boo.
Damn, Boo, I jus’ wanna talk to you. I jus’ wanna be your friend, Boo.
I’m sayin’, Boo.”
And it works.
I feel guilty and, uh, and soiled somehow. It’s effective.
But I’ve heard guys say a lot of stuff on the street.
But I think I recently heard my favorite, like, most trifling thing I’ve ever heard a man say.
I was walking my friend… like, she’s kind of like heavy-breasted, guys get very excited by her.
Like, she causes a real stir, you know?
Like, she has the kind of breasts, like, men have questions, they need time with, you know?
They need help processing them, like…
We were passing this guy, and he just goes like this.
He goes, “Damn, titties!”
He did a little shake, like that. (Applause, laughter)
“Damn, titty, damn!”
And he kept shaking, almost as if, uh…
Almost as if her titties had physically thrown him off course.
And I was trying to think to myself, like, how does he want that to end?
Like, what would be his ideal ending to that comment?
Like she’s going to spin around and be like, “Yes, sir, yes, titties, sir.
Oh, these titties have been bored all day.
I think we should stop and have titty fun right now. (Laughter)
Oh, I didn’t know what to do with these titties, but now you’re here, thank God you are.
I think you should be the supervisor of these titties.
That’s right; supervise them for the rest of the afternoon.
It’s titty time.
Titty titty fun, fun!
Fun, fun titty.” (Applause)
Thanks a lot, you guys!
Thank you, that’s my time. (Cheering and whistling)
>> ANNOUNCER: Nikki Glaser! (Applause and cheering)
>> GLASER: Hello!
Hello! Keep it going for all the ladies you’ve seen tonight, you guys.
It’s an amazing show. (Applause and cheering)
Look at this theater.
This theater, I’ve never performed anywhere like this.
I’m used to working the road, you know?
Not the streets, uh, the road.
I drive a lot when I’m working.
I got pulled over the other day, which sucks.
I got out of the ticket, though.
I did, like, the girliest thing to get out of it, right?
I started crying.
But that’s nothing new for me.
I always cry after sex.
So you gotta do what you gotta do.
And I think she liked it, you know?
And, um… lick it or ticket, folks.
That’s my policy. Thank you.
Sticking to it.
I’m a terrible driver.
A couple weeks ago I hit a deer… Dear old man, and I hope he’s okay.
I left a note.
Thank God it wasn’t a real deer, you know?
I love animals.
So I was shopping today.
Looking for a fur coat, and, um… this woman came up to me out of the blue, she taps me on the shoulder and she goes, ‘Excuse me, ma’am, but has anyone ever told you you should be a model?”
And you guys, I was, like, “Oh, my God, no.”
And she was, like, “Good.” Then she walked away.
I was, like, ‘What the fuck? What just… What just happened?”
I’m trying to be more responsible about sex, you know?
I don’t want to catch any more stuff, but, um, my dance card is full.
But it’s hard, you know?
My friend is like, “You know what, if you don’t want to sleep with a guy, just don’t shave your legs for, like, a week, and then go out with him.”
So I’ll do that, but then I’ll just get drunk and, like, still hook up.
And then I’m just, like, the gross girl with hairy legs slutting around town.
I tried to make a rule for myself.
I was, like, you know, I’m gonna make this new rule: no sex on a first date.
So I, like, you know, quit dating and stuff ‘cause, uh, that’s nearly impossible.
A guy buys you dinner at Chili’s, you owe him.
Like, that’s how I was raised.
I can’t change overnight.
I actually recently just got out of a long-distance relationship, which is tough.
I had to break up with him via Skype.
That was weird.
He was, like, “babe, you’re breaking up.”
And I’m like, “You’re damn straight.
Uh, this is really happening.”
It was good.
It was a mutual breakup, which is good, you know?
We just both decided that he’s a piece of shit.
So it was a good thing… that he finally got it, you know?
He wasn’t good to me sometimes.
He was, like, verbally abusive, like Mel Gibsony, and, uh…
He wasn’t physically abusive, you know?
He was the boring kind of abusive.
I was, like, “Mix it up a little bit.”
I’m glad he never hit me.
That’s a good thing.
Um, mostly ‘cause I feel like I’m the type of chick that would get hit and I’d be like, “Didn’t hurt,” you know, just like… kind of asking for it, you know?
I had a, I had a friend, actually once that was in a relationship like that.
And it was weird.
Every couple weeks she would have, like, a new black eye that she couldn’t explain, you know?
And I was the only one out of my friends to confront her about it.
And she got very defensive, you know?
She’s like, (Sobbing): “Nikki, what do you want me to do? Like I love him. Like, what am I supposed to do?”
’m like, ‘I don’t know. Like, this or something. Like, duck.
I’m not an expert, but… if he’s super rich, hold out as long as you can, you know?”
Long distance relationships are hard.
You got to have phone sex a lot.
Which, I’m not even, like, good at regular sex yet, so the phone was a struggle.
It got to the point where I was, like, “Just fax me a transcript of what you want me to say to you.
I’ll go pick it up at Kinko’s.”
Like, I can’t come up with stuff on the fly.
He’s too vague, you know
He’s just like, “Talk dirty.”
And then I say things like, “I have a vagina.”
Sometimes he would get a little more specific, but it would, like, get worse on my end.
I remember one time he was, like, “Well, babe, are you wet?”
I’m like, “Well, I just went pee ten minutes ago.
We forgot to get toilet paper, so…
(Breathy): yeah, I’m super wet.”
So that was real hot, and…
It got to the point where in the end of our relationship, he was, like, hounding me to send him, like, naked pictures, you know?
Which I didn’t want to do, but I did.
Here’s the thing: I did not put my face in the pictures, you know, ‘cause that’s how he asked for them, but also, um… to protect my identity.
That’s the way you should do it.
I don’t know if anyone, women here have ever had a photo session with just, like, this area before?
Usually you’re in, like, a Ramada Inn in the middle of Wisconsin.
That’s how I do it.
It’s like, quite the process. It takes hours.
Like the lighting is an issue.
And this isn’t, like, the best subject.
It’s not very photogenic. ‘Cause you get a picture and then you’re like, “Oh, God, no!”
And you got to take it again and again.
I’m giving it direction. I’m like, “Smile with your eye.”
Like, nothing, nothing works. Like…
“How did I blink in this one? I need brown-eye reduction.”
I, um… Oh, God!
Why did I…?
So I’m gonna start dating again.
I guess that’s inevitable.
I hate dating.
The only thing I like about it is, um, the first couple dates you can, like, still hide your crazy.
Like, the guy doesn’t know yet.
That’s important to me.
I always feel like I’m a different version of myself for every guy I’m dating, like I’m a different Nikki.
Like, I even change the way I spell my name for every guy that I’m dating.
I know this is weird. Let me explain.
I usually spell it N-I-K-K-I.
But I was dating this guy named Nick for a while. And I was like, “That’d be cute if I spelled it N-I-C-K-Y. It’d be cute and similar.”
Then I was dating this black guy for a while, and so I changed it to N-I-Q-U-E-$, and…he loved it.
And I loved being Nique$ cha-ching.
I don’t even know how you pronounce it.
Thing ended badly with us, though.
He cheated on me real bad.
And I didn’t want to do it, but I had to change it to N-I-K-K-K-I and get my revenge.
It felt wrong and right!
Thank you for laughing at that… some of you.
That’s not a racist joke. It’s not.
I actually got permission to tell that joke form three of my very best friends who just so happen to be racist.
And they said it was fine. They were, like, “That’s nothing.”
You do stupid stuff when you want revenge, when you’ve been hurt.
One time a got a voodoo doll, which is a dumb idea.
But I couldn’t believe it worked.
Like, I stabbed the voodoo doll in the chest with a needle.
The next day my ex-boyfriend was stabbed.
I mean, I did it, but you know what, you have to make your own dreams come true in this world.
It was still weird, you know?
So I don’t have kids.
I have that going for me.
My friend has a baby now.
She has a baby from one time when she just got super blackout wasted, which is scary.
You know, that can happen.
One night she went to the bar, met some random dude, they did one too many shots together, and they ended up, you know, kidnapping a baby.
And you do shit like that.
When you’re wasted, hanging out at playgrounds.
We don’t know where she got it.
We keep watching the AMBER Alerts.
We don’t even know if this baby’s name is Amber.
It’s a, it’s a waste of time.
Actually — this is weird.
I-I get AMBER Alerts text-messaged to me.
Does anyone do this?
Seriously, it’s a free service you can sign up for online.
And I strongly suggest you do it because every time a child goes missing, you will feel fucking popular.
You’re like, “I’m blowing up. Amy’s gone.”
I look for her.
I do this (Turns head) or whatever, but I’m always in my living room.
She’s never there, and, uh… Not even once.
Here’s the thing, though.
If you get these texts, like, you don’t need to write them back.
They, like, get it.
‘Cause one time I wrote back, and I was like, “I found her. JK, LOL.”
And they don’t , they don’t like jokes.
They found me, and, uh… They found me.
I’m obsessed with texting.
It’s how I communicate with, like, everyone in my life, you know? Except my grandma.
‘Cause she doesn’t text, you know, so we don’t talk, but, uh…
I don’t know.
I feel like people are getting lazy about texting when it comes to, like, grammar and spelling.
And I’m a stickler when it comes to that stuff ‘cause I was an English major in college.
You might be able to tell, I’m almost fluent.
I’m pretty good. Thank you.
I got a text from my friend the other day, though, and he had meant to say, “How are you, my friend?”
But he forgot the comma in the middle.
So to me, it was just, like, “How are you my friend?”
And I was like, “Whoa! Why are you being a dick about it? Like, that’s unnecessary.”
That’s just ignorance, though.
A typo is different.
The slip of a finger, you can send the opposite message you want to send to someone.
It can ruin a relationship.
This happened to me.
I was out to drinks with my friend’s ex-boyfriend — friendly drinks.
I hadn’t seen him in a while, you know.
And I didn’t tell her; I didn’t want to make it an issue, but she found out, you know.
She shoots e a text, she’s like, “Don’t fuck him,” smiley face.
And, uh, and I wrote back, you know, “I won’t, ha, ha.”
But I forgot the “T” on the “won’t.”
So to her it was just, “I won, ha, ha.”
And I did.
Thank you guys very much!
I’m Nikki Glaser!
You’re a great crowd!
(Applause, cheering, whistling)
>>ANNOUNCER: Marina Franklin! (Cheering)
>> FRANKLIN: All right! Whoo! (Cheering)
Uh, my name’s Marina.
It’s, uh, it’s not a great African name.
Didn’t get one. Sorry.
My sister did.
Her name is Nailah, which means “one who succeeds.”
Marina just means “a place where you dock boats.”
And you can take that any way you want to. Thank you.
I used to say that joke ‘cause I was looking for a man, but I actually have one now, so I really shouldn’t be doing that joke anymore.
But I kind of still want to. You never know.
I got a man ‘cause I stopped looking, you know.
‘Cause when you’re looking for a man, you’re never gonna get one.
‘Cause you have that — that look. You know.
Like, “Where is he?”
It’s almost like a desperate prostitute, just on the street, just at that point, just…
It’s too desperate.
A guy can see that a mile away.
He’s gonna be like, “That bitch is crazy.”
And you get that desperate — and I was — you start looking at losers and thinking, you know what, I can make that work.
I don’t care. ‘Cause that one eye can see me.
It’s when you stop looking, that’s when you get a guy, when you stop looking.
You know that moment actually when you’re single and you’re enjoying it and you’re happy?
That’s when a man’s gonna look at you, like, “Ooh. Yeah. How can I destroy her?
That bitch is too happy.
I’m gonna take her down.”
That’s how I got my ex. I wasn’t focused.
He got — he was the laziest man I ever dated, unbelievable.
Just lied there.
Actually broke my futon.
And it’s not a hot, sexy story.
He was just laying there and it broke.
When he jumped up, that was the fastest I ever seen him move.
But I made it work.
Sometimes you do that.
You just stay in a relationship just to be in a relationship.
And I made it work.
Like, I remember one time, we were watching this winter sport on TV called the luge.
I had never seen this before.
It’s basically a winter sport where you just lie there, on ice.
Somebody kicks you off and you go.
I was like, “Look, baby. Something you could do.”
And I told him, “See, you’re a luger.”
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, but I have a guy now
He’s — he’s… I’m happy, so that’s not funny. (Laughs)
Miserable is hilarious.
He’s really — he’s younger than me.
He’s really young, he’s younger.
So I’m officially a cougar. (Whooping)
Oh. Thank you.
He’s young and he’s white, so I’m not just a cougar, I’m a black panther.(Whooping and clapping)
I’m a real predator, yes, I am.
You know how I got him?
I was, I was hanging out in a GameStop and, uh… (Chuckles)
What? That’s what they like.
I told him, I said, “I got an Xbox.
It’s right here.
And it’s 360.
(Chuckles): Oh. It rotates.
It’s highly functional.”
He’s been hooked ever since.
He wants me to meet his, uh, his mama — or should I say mother.
It’s gonna be weird ‘cause he’s got to tell her two things, you know: I’m black and I’m older.
I can’t wait to meet her.
‘Cause I’m gonna tell her…
(Whispers): “I got your baby boy.
We gonna make some Obamas up in this bitch.
We gonna mix it up!” (Laughs)
I’m loosing weight too.
Whenever I date a white guy I always lose weight.
This isn’t the first white guy I’ve dated.
I don’t know what they do.
They do little subtle things.
Like, the last white guy I dated would do little subtle things to make sure I stayed thin.
Like, he would through his napkin in my dish before I was done.
Think about that.
I was eating.
He was like, “You’re finished, bitch.”
Just threw it right in my plate.
I was real thin; it was a good diet.
My last guy was a Puerto Rican; I actually gained weight.
‘Cause Puerto Rican men, they feed you… so nobody else will want you.
I was getting big.
He was like, “Mami, that big ass is nice.
It could be bigger.”
I was like, “But I got diabetes.”
He was like, “That’s nice.”
He didn’t know what diabetes was.
I think he thought it was a Spanish word; who knows?
I like doing comedy, though.
You know, the best part of comedy is you get to travel.
I love it.
You know, like, I went to Ireland.
Didn’t see a lot of black people, didn’t expect to.
I saw one black guy and he looked at me like, “Why are you here?
Don’t ruin my shit.
I got it good.”
I went to England.
They got black people there, you know.
I had an okay time in England.
They never really laughed at my jokes.
They would just go, “Brilliant.”
That really annoyed me.
I was like, “Don’t ‘brilliant’ my jokes, laugh.”
They were like, “No, but it’s brilliant.”
It was cool to see black people there, but it’s different, you know.
I don’t know, different boat journey or something.
Took a left, I don’t know what the fuck.
And I got curious.
I’m like, I wonder what they call their black people, you know?
Since they can’t call them African-Americans.
So I asked this one British dude, I was like, “Excuse me, excuse me.”
I’m like, uh, “What do you call your black people, huh?”
He was like, “Oh, we call them niggers.”
“What did you say?”
I was like, “You can’t do that in America; it’s banned.
We banned it.”
He was like, “Well… well… what you mean?
You banned your niggers?
I know, that’s a hard joke to laugh at.
You guys actually had no problem whatsoever.
I was in south Africa.
South Africa was an amazing experience, you know.
They are black people.
I had a great time.
I was on stage.
You want to get on stage as a black performer, you want to be like, “I’m home!
Whoo! Africa! I’m here!”
They guy was like, “Please, please, don’t do that.”
I was like, “Why not? I’m from Africa.”
“Yeah, I’m from Af…”
“No. You are not from here.”
“Originally, I’m from Africa.”
“What is your address?” (Laughter)
I was like, “Damn, good point.”
Nobody wants us.
We’re like African-Mexican. (Laughter)
Well, originally, I’m from Chicago.
That’s where I grew up, in the suburbs of Chicago, white neighborhood.
Then I moved to a black neighborhood, and it was too late.
I was white.
I didn’t have any skills
I didn’t know how to fight.
I didn’t know double Dutch. (Laughter)
Some people don’t know what double Dutch is.
I tell them, it’s when you get two Dutch guys and you get in the middle of that. (Laughter)
That’s what they told me.
I’ve always been trying to prove my blackness.
When you grow up like that, you always try to prove it.
I try to prove it with white girls, but, you know, they’re not scared of me, and that really annoys me.
Like, I had this happen one time in this bathroom.
There was three drunk white girls in this bathroom, and they weren’t actually using the stalls.
They were just blow-drying their hair in the hand dryer.
And it’s a long line of women waiting for this bathroom, as always; I’m at the front of the line, so I bogart my way in.
I’m like, “What are you doing?”
I go to the actual stall, you know, and I hear the girl, as I’m inside the stall, I hear the girl go, “We should probably leave So she can stop her bitching,” (Laughter)
So I open the door to the stall, and I was like, “Excuse me?”
I mean, I pulled my pants up first, you know.
‘Cause that would’ve been nasty.
Or hot, depending on what you like.
But I was like, ‘Excuse me?
What did you say?”
And she looked at me and she said, “I said, ‘We should probably leave, so you could stop your bitching.’”
And I closed the door back to the stall, ‘cause she did answer my question. (Laughter)
I mean, at that point, you better fight, you know?
I had to pee.
I’m one of those girls, man.
I talk a lot, but I can’t back it up.
Like, that’s why, you know, when you want to fight like, you need a big man behind you.
Like a bouncer type dude.
You ever notice a woman who talks a lot always has a big man right behind her?
‘Cause then you can be like, “You want to fight me, huh? Come fight me. Baby… Do your job.” (Laughter)
live in Harlem, New York, now.
That’s where I live, which has actually changed.
Like, you guys can go. (Laughter)
Yeah, there are white people there, and you can tell.
‘Cause we got like, three Starbucks, uh, salad… (Laughter)
White people bring salad.
The first time I saw a ripe tomato, I was like, “Ooh.
They coming.” (Laughter, applause)
That’s a nice tomato.
We had an Italian bistro that opened up on my block.
That was weird.
All glass windows.
White people just inside.
They not coming out.
Every time I walk by, I’m like, “Come out, you know.
Be a part of the community.”
They’re like… (Grunts)
It’s like a Caucasian aquarium just sitting there, you know? (Laughter)
It’s a culture clash going on in Harlem, ‘cause the change is too fast.
So, like, I had this happen for the first time ever.
I had a white girl come to my door and complain about my music being too loud.
I got pissed off.
I’m like, “This is a black neighborhood; that’s what we do. (Laughter)
We play our black music loud.
You don’t like it? Get out.”
It was messed up.
‘Cause I was playing Simon and Garfunkel. (Laughter)
I’ve learned to mind my business, you know?
New Yorks is the mind-your-business capital of the world, it really is.
Like, I had this happen one time on the street.
I saw this woman yelling at this child on the street really bad, and I said something, and I should have just minded my business, you know?
Like, I would love to have kids.
I would, but I see some of these mothers, and they look like they have lost their minds.
So, it makes your clock-ticking stop.
This is gonna be the child ‘cause I don’t have one. (Laughter)
This would have been a Dutch child. (Mumbles)
Anyway, she’s just yelling at this child.
She was like, “Get your ass over here!
I said get your black ass over here!
Get it over here!
Now what the heel are you crying for?
Shut it up!
I said shut it up!
I pop you in your mouth.
Stop calling me Mom.” (Laughter)
I looked at her. I was like, “Oh my god, you don’t talk to a child like that.”
She looked at me.
She was like, ‘what the hell you looking at, huh?
You want to raise my child?”
“N-No. (Laughter) You doing a great job.”
I was scared.
I’m a good runner.
I ran three long blocks.
I was like, “Don’t look back. Just keep going.”
But you can’t help it.
You want to see what’s going on.
So I looked back for just a second.
She was still standing there looking at me. (Laughter)
(Applause and cheering)
Thank you so much.
(Applause and cheering)
>>ANNOUNCER: Let’s give it up one more time for Amy Schumer, Rachel Feinstein, Nikki Glaser, and Marina Franklin! (Cheering)
Caution: Once women start making all types of jokes — and men start fearing them — nothing will be exempt; no matter how sacred it is to the patriarchy.
In Africa, the term "Big Five" refers to a quintet of animals heavily sought after for viewing by tourists on a safari…www.chicagotribune.com
In a Rolling Stone interview from 1979, Johnny Carson, host of "Tonight" and the most important gatekeeper in comedy…www.nytimes.com
The Immortal Rejoinders of Christopher Hitchens. Vanity Fair (videotape) (Vanity Fair). 16 December 2011. 2:40 minutes in. Retrieved 25 February 2012.