Lie to me

I am one of those girls who somehow loves being lied to. I can’t help it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong advocate of honesty and I preach sincerity but with you, things are different. I’m so good at predicting events, outcomes, book endings and sometimes even the words that you are about to tell me that every little white lie that comes out of your mouth is like a breath of fresh air for my over analyzing and anxious brain.

I’m not foolish nor simple-minded. I’m not quick of belief. I can read people so well that every social interaction becomes a borderline torture for my senses. I can read you too. But I choose not to.

You keep me sane within the limits of your madness and never let me go. You make my mind wander around and wonder about.

I’m a bipolar optimist with ADHD and OCD and your lies are my one and only drug. You bring me up, you take me down. You spin me round, and round, and round. You keep me locked inside your imagination. You feed me the exact amount of pleasure, just enough to make me dream of more.

Your lies push buttons I never knew I had and never fail to give me hope. Hope that maybe one day things will be different. That maybe we’ll change. Actually, that you’ll change. I don’t want you to stop lying to me. I just need you to start believing your own damn lies and maybe, from time to time, think of me.

Think of how you’ve made me yours. How I have changed my dreams for you.With you.

Think of losing me.

Imagine that one day, I won’t be by your side anymore. No one to call while you smoke your 5 minute break cigarette. No one to listen to your endless stories before bed. No one to walk by your side for miles just because the sound of your breath is the most relaxing thing on earth. Long rainy days without someone to understand your sickness. No more childish fights ending up in laughter. No more memories. Forget about the color of my eyes. The scent of my skin or that special smile I have always saved for you.

You were always pessimistic, gloomy and tiring. You never liked my plans nor my dreams. You hated my friends and my career aspirations. You were dark and you raped me of my light, dragging me into your darkness with a smile on your face. You cut my roots and took me away from what I’ve known. “I want to show you pretty things.”

The only reason I love your lies is because they are the only ones that contradict my anxious and troubled thoughts. You prove me wrong daily, after white nights and insomnias, after crying myself to sleep, after dreaming of never having met you. You are the unexpected that spices my day. You prove me wrong and this gives me hope that all the other dark and hidden thoughts I have might be wrong. All my worries, my fears, my nightmares…all wrong.

So please keep doing it. Lie to me because right now, this is the only thing that keeps me going.