We all get the emotional safety net
Once I read a cheap quote about not staying, nor leaving, but blocking the doorway. At that time I was too busy chansing other people’s dreams to understand any of it. Now that I got paralysed, I have more time to think about things.
I don’t know if it’s just our generation of young, restless, misfits, or it’s a neverending story, but stop for a moment and think about this:
When was the last time you did something with all your heart?
I can’t even say if I ever did it. Because there’s always something there, 10ft behind me that whispers me to stay away. That little monster is grabbing all of my fails, rejections and fears and eats them instead of crackers. And that’s how a little monster becomes an obese beast, big enough to catch me if I got punched down by any `I think we should be friends`. After all he’s right: why should anyone go 100% in anything? It doesn’t matter if it’s a date, a job, a cake or a tear, going full-hearted is a no-no that can mess you up very bad. And that no-no has a name that scares the shit out of your big monster.
That’s why you never actually break up with your ex. Maybe, just maybe, after 5 tequilas you will feel like texting someone. The idea of meeting someone new at the bar is out of question, you need a safe plan EX.
I don’t blame you or me or the parents, but we’re psychologically messed up. Think about this: you were probably raised by our grandparents or by your nanny, because your mother, like others, had to work. There’s nobody to blame here, even the meerkats leave their children with nannies when they go hunting.
The problem is that as a baby you need to understand who is your survival ally. Who will feed you, bath you and take care of your cramps. When the answer is not the same person, you start to develop what’s called the anxious attachment. That means that later you will probably think that nobody stays in your life (sometimes you even blame yourself for not being `perfect` enough, as the main cause of this come-and-go pattern).
Back to the emotional-safety-net, I first thought that I’m too greedy to get fully attached to her. After that I thought I’m too perfectionist and I’m always looking for the best match, because there’s always a better one out there, right?
Now I think it’s this big monster’s fault. He never fully let your hands to proper hug someone. He is not scared of your falls — he’s a pro catcher, instead he’s terrified of deep bad feelings. And he’s terrified because you are terrified. Think about it: if you’d love fully from now on, unconditionally and next month your partner leaves you, you’ll feel the loneliness at it’s lowest temperatures. Or if you dance in the puddles in your lunch break — you may probably, possibly, feel the muddiest shame when you’ll get back to the office. Well, that’s a no-no.
The big monster protected you at once, maybe when you were bullied by your stupid school mates, or when you had the first fight with your kinder garden best friend. But now, all he does is holding the hand of a grown-up, just to be sure that nothing bad will happen.
It’s like keeping the training wheels after you learned how to ride the bike without them, just to be sure you won’t fall ever again.
Maybe it’s time to let the monster go and remember that any bruise heals in a matter of days.