“Have You Even Considered This?” — 10 Reasons For and Against Ending Orca Whale Shows

Aquatic theme park giant SeaWorld is closing its orca whale shows at its San Diego location amid pressure from conservationist and animal rights groups.
What are the pros and cons of this change? Have you even considered this?

PROS

  1. Orca whale shows to be replaced by much more humane monkeys-with-cymbals-in-fez-hats shows
  2. Annoying friend who watched Blackfish will finally shut up about it
  3. Once-in-a-lifetime chance to adopt a newly freed orca whale
  4. The 16 orca whales freed by this decision are a promising sign for the 40 million cows murdered annually
  5. More buckets of fish to go around for the rest of us
  6. Profound, character-building talk with your children about the realities of animal captivity now easily avoidable
  7. Orca whales should live their lives as God intended them to: being hunted by the Japanese
  8. No longer wasting valuable, hard-to-find salt water
  9. Expanded exhibit space to showcase the diverse range of marine wildlife that Seaworld currently mistreats
  10. Bitter reminders of your joyous childhood almost completely eradicated from modern culture

CONS

  1. Orca whale unemployment at an all-time high, rising from 99% to 100%
  2. Probably a safe move to lock up an animal with “killer” in its name
  3. Michael Jackson not around to write bitchin’ tune like he did for Free Willy
  4. The move displaces residents who once called the Splash Zone their home
  5. Humans really loosening their grip atop the animal kingdom
  6. Activists will probably just find some other animals that are being horribly mistreated to complain about
  7. Attendants unable to change SeaWorld’s highest lightbulbs without standing on top of a vertical orca
  8. Don’t forget: Mickey Mouse is still being waterboarded on a daily basis
  9. That big white spot looks like their eye, but it’s not their eye
  10. Bitter reminders of your joyous childhood almost completely eradicated from modern culture