Here Are the 5 Good Christmas Songs
That’s how many good ones there are
Some people believe that there are eight, or even as many as twelve good Christmas songs. The truth? There are five! (Source: US Bureau of Labor Statistics). So here it comes, everybody…
The Exhaustive List of Every Good Christmas Song!
O Tannenbaum
This song is about how a Christmas tree is pretty cool because its “leaves are so unchanging.” We thank it for also being green during the summer even though we throw it away by January 1st.
That idiot tree never sees it coming.
*NSYNC — Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
This video has it all:
- Gary Coleman in a lime green leather suit
- The least convincing green screen of all-time
- At least three pairs of goggles trying to pass as legitimate fashion accessories
- The boys of *NSYNC riding a sleigh in order to deliver Santa’s presents, but without any presents on the sleigh
- A budget that included paying actors to pretend to be homeless people
Mi Burrito Sabanero
The white people and Chipotle-eaters among us (pretty much the same group) may not realize that in addition to being a delicious Mexican carbohydrate triple-threat, a “burrito” also refers to a “little donkey,” which gives us the lines:
Hurry up my little donkey!
Let’s go see Jesus.
That’s all you really need to know about the song.
A Charlie Brown Christmas — Christmas Time Is Here
“I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.”
Advertising tries to convince us that we can be a certain kind of person if we buy a certain product. Capitalism holds a tempting football of happiness and satisfaction in front of us, and we fall flat on our backs every time we buy something to try to kick it. And yet we try again next time.
Charlie Brown isn’t happy during Christmas Time because Christmas Time is bullshit.
And that’s the most important Christmas lesson of all.
Michael Kamen — Assault on the Tower (Die Hard Theme)
‘Nuff said.
Editor’s Note: A previous version of this article mistakenly listed “Piss Angel” by Pig Destroyer as a Good Christmas Song. It is actually a Good Hanukkah Song.
2nd Editor’s Note: “All I want for Christmas is You” blows, don’t @ me.
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Andre Pegeron is a teacher and comedian in Seattle, WA.
You can find more of Andre’s jokes by following him on Medium and Twitter.
For more humor, check out 10 Reasons For and Against Bernie Sanders.
