CenturyLink’s Alternative Emergency Procedures for the Next 9–1–1 Outage

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In response to the recent widespread network outage that caused a disruption in 9–1–1 emergency services in many areas, CenturyLink advises that customers use the following alternative emergency procedures in the event of another 9–1–1 outage in your area.

Fire or Medical emergency: Administer First aid. Drive to the nearest emergency facility.

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Crime in progress: Do not confront. Drive to the nearest police station to report the crime.

Criminally high cable TV bill: Sign up for CenturyLink’s Triple Threat Internet + TV + Home Phone bundle and receive a $50 Applebee’s gift card now through the end of the month.

Poor Netflix video quality: This is not an emergency, and it’s probably not CenturyLink’s fault either! Trust us, we’re not “throttling” your internet speed based on the apps or websites you use. Although we successfully lobbied for and reserve the right to do so in the future.

Poor Internet quality in general: Also not our fault. You’re the one not paying for CenturyLink SpeedBoostPlus™.

Stolen Amazon package: This is not really an emergency. Maybe just find the FedEx tracking number and place yourself in an Amazon-FedEx-Amazon infinite phone call loop until you give up and drive to Target? Then, cancel your Prime membership. Who needs it? CenturyLink Movies on Demand™ has thousands of recent movies and network television shows to choose from.

Your iPhone used to tell you when you have a new Facebook message but now it doesn’t for some reason: Uh huh. Yes, we can see how that would be frustrating. CenturyLink actually doesn’t have anything to do with your iPhone, or cell phone service in general so this isn’t really related to the 9–1–1 outage. Yes, we know your phone “does the internet” just like your computer at home does. Perhaps you could make an appointment with someone at the Apple Genius bar? Or, maybe ask your daughter who’s a civil engineer and has two monitors on her desk that they just gave her because she needs them.

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You can’t get money out of the ATM: Yes, that was us too, but here’s the deal: we’re trying to figure out exactly which of the literally thousands of network management cards in our Denver datacenter was propagating invalid frame packets, like literally right now. We caused 9–1–1 outages in nine states and Canada. People are tweeting at us that their house is on fire. The FCC is freaking out, which is the last thing we need while trying to launch the CLink MyTV+ Channel™. But sure, you’re out of checks so yeah, the ATM stuff is totally our top priority.

A single leather shoe in front of City Hall: Oh god. Find Commissioner Gordon and tell him to deploy the Bat-Signal. The Cobbler is back.

Andrew is a writer living in Portland, OR. @andrewtweeets www.marshall.pizza

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