Understanding Families
Without understanding, a family is no more than a group of people.
For the people who believe that being a parent is nothing more than providing food and shelter under a legal obligation, There is no need for understanding. They make the rules and the children abide by the rules. There is no joy. No sense of achievement, no reward. The family is purely functional.
For those of us who want the best for children, who want to share the enjoyment of being an integral part of our children’s lives, it is vital that we understand our children’s thought processes, and that we create an environment wherein they can understand ours.
What’s in it for you?
It takes much less time and energy to create an attitude of understanding within a family than it does to deal with the sequelae of avoiding it.
Do you enjoy experiencing the anger, anxiety, confusion, impatience, anguish, frustration, sadness, remorse, guilt or any of the myriad other emotions that come from the dis-communication between you and your kids?
Of course not.
You want life to be hassle-free. Cheese and kisses. Beer and skittles. You want to eliminate the defiance, get them to consider others before themselves, show a bit of gratitude, stop questioning you, develop some independence.
Unfortunately for you, this is all age-appropriate behaviour and you choose to eradicate it at your peril. It is a vital part of growth and development. What’s known as the Adult Growth Model: Reliance — Rebellion (resourceful and non-resourceful) — Realization — Results. This is a topic for another article.
You can, however, alleviate all those unwanted negative emotions. Learn to understand what informs the decisions, behaviours and responses of you and your children, how they interpret what you say and what is behind their actions, questions and declarations.
What’s in it for them?
Your kids will know that they are loved, they are worthy and they are enough. They will develop the self-confidence and self-reliance to learn more and teach others as they develop and grow.
Being understood and seeking to understand removes uncertainty and doubt. It way reduces the likelihood of negative traits and behaviour patterns. Misunderstandings will still occur. They will always occur between two or more human beings.
However, in understanding families, misunderstandings can be cleared up.
When my daughter was six years old we bought a Christmas tree. We over-estimated the height of our ceiling, and found the tree was about 2 feet too tall. Rather than remove it from the bottom and throw it away, I sawed it from the top and, to show her how special she was, made a tree just for her in her room.
We had fun decorating it together and it looked beautiful next to her bed. When we had finished and stood to admire it, she started weeping. I asked her what was wrong. Didn’t she like having her own special tree. She replied, through tears, “I want to share your tree with you”.
It broke my heart that what I thought would make her feel special and loved had actually made her feel rejected.
The good that came out of it was that we had created an environment in which she was able to share her feelings with me rather than keep them inside.
An environment of understanding.
What’s in it for the family?
A two-way path of understanding strengthens the parent-child bond. It enables informed decisions for you as well as for the kids.
It outlines what behaviours are expected, tolerated and unacceptable. Everyone in the family has a good idea how the others will react or respond in certain circumstances.
An air of harmony ensues. The family becomes a synergistic unit. Certainly each member is unique, and their uniqueness is celebrated. This gives the family its strength. To make this uniqueness an asset for the family, mutual understanding is essential.
So how do we do it?
First of all we need an open mind. We must understand that no two people think the same way about everything. We must accept that we could be wrong. We must realise that we don’t know everything.
Next we must be curious. We must ask questions and cultivate dialogue to express the way they’re feeling what they believe. Why they do what they do.
As a child there were many timesI was chastised for the way I behaved or spoke. I could tell from what they said that my parents didn’t understand the reasons behind what I did. However my family environment was such that I was not free to tell my parents that they misunderstood my intentions.
My reticence was carried into adulthood, and held me back in work and relationships until I learnt, through a coach, to replace it with frank dialogue.
That’s all very well, but how do we do it? I can tell you that to play the piano all you need to do is press the keys with your fingers.
But that’s not very helpful, is it?.
Read on.
Who do we need to be?
To understand our kids, and for them to be free to ask questions so that they can understand us, they need to know that they will not be mocked, judged or punished for what they say.
Sometimes out egos get in the way. We believe that we have to let our kids know who is boss all the time. Remember our kids are not trying to get the better of us. They are trying to find their way in the world they know very little about. They are learning. Put yourself in their shoes. Seriously, are you worried about being taken advantage of by a young child?
As parents we want the best for children. However, it is human nature to believe that others think the way that we do. Because that’s all we know.
We need to put that belief aside. When a person behaves a certain way it’s natural to assume that the reason they behaved that way is for the same reason that we would behave that way. But this is rarely the case.
How many times have you said or thought ‘I don’t understand why you do the things you do’? And then, how often have you actively sought the reason why?
It’s very easy to attribute our own thought patterns onto other people, or to assume that we know the reason why a person behaves or acts the way they do. But we don’t.
As parents we have to lead the way. Our kids pay very little attention to what we say. Sorry, but it’s true. They do, however, watch our behaviour intensely, and copy it.
Which leads me to…
Even further outside our field of thinking than trying to understand why our kids behave the way they do is to understand how they see us.
Most parents are not even aware that this is a thing.
Kids learn by imitating. When they are young, we are their entire world. Everything we do is right. They believe, without thinking about it, that if we do it then they should do it too.
Whatever sort of adult you want your child to grow into, you must be that adult.
That’s what they understand. Their behaviour is a reaction to our own.
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I adopted my daughter when she was three years old. Four years later I became a single parent. Ten years after that we became part of a blended family. Through experience and formal learning I have developed many parenting skills, and the power to impart those skills. What I am good at is Understanding Families.
