Coercive Control: It Starts with a Kiss

Much has been written about Coercive Control, a stealthy form of domestic and relational abuse that relies heavily on tactics of psychological abuse to exploit, control, dominate, subjugate and entrap one’s victim. This framework of domestic and relational abuse stands in contrast to the conceptualization of domestic abuse that focuses on episodes of physical assault. I join the chorus of folks who have a story to tell, ideas to share, and a desire to raise awareness. My contribution to the conversation is that it can happen to men too, especially gay men, for reasons and in manners in which I plan to explore in time. As with the victimization of women, the coercive control of gay men in same-sex relationships is aided and abetted by the oppressive forces of patriarchal hegemony that privilege cis-gendered, heterosexual, financially secure, white men and render to second class status women, racial and sexual minorities, immigrants, people of differing abilities, and poor people.

Within the arena of domestic abuse and violence towards women, the concept of Coercive Control has been explored by feminist psychologists since the 1970s when first described as “coercive persuasion” and came to the fore in the seminal book by sociologist, Evan Stark, in his 2007 publication, Coercive Control. Dr. Lisa Fontes authored the first book written for lay people, entitled Invisible Chains: Overvcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationships, published in 2015. These seminal contributions to our collective understanding of Coercive Control pay scant attention to the manners in which it manifests in relationships between gay men. Having said that, they stand as the prime source material for much of our continued understanding of this form of interpersonal abuse.

Coercive control as a practice has been around since the beginning of time, I am sure. One need look no further than to the ancient fable of the Scorpion and the Turtle, to know that we have always known scorpions walked amongst us, capitalizing on our human kindness, unfortunately exploited as weakness (see Kashifi, c. 1500). As a concept it was Biderman (1957) who first provided a framework for explaining the tactic and impact of coercion on male prisoners of war during the cold war. His discussion focused on the psychological rather than the physical methods of torture, which included isolation; monopolization of perception; induced debilitation and exhaustion; threats; occasional indulgences; demonstrating omnipotence and omniscience; degradation; and enforcing trivial demands. In 1961, Edgar Schein referred to this same phenomenon as coercive persuasion as he noted that interpersonal persuasion was another tactic utilized in producing the desired result of compliance and obedience.

And while we parse words like abuse, violence, coercion, and persuasion, let’s all remind ourselves that Biderman had rightly characterized these tactics as torture.

It’s About Power….and well, Control

At its core, Coercive Control is about the intentional exertion of power by one person over another with the objective of exploiting, dominating, subjugating and entrapping that person in a complex web of control. While some scholars use language such as intimate partner violence and may describe partners as husband, wife or significant other, I prefer to conceptualize the nature of the relationship as that between Abuser and Selected Target, predator and prey, bound in a symbiotic parasite/host relationship. And as one becomes engorged, the other becomes depleted…in every which way possible.

Power takes different forms. Relatedly, vulnerability manifests in different manners. The obvious expression of power relates to that which is afforded men by size, strength, and status in society as compared to women. This power dynamic is obviously not manifest in same-sex relationships and fails to explain the power dynamic when a man is victimized in a heterosexual relationship. This is to underscore a central point in my conceptualization as I seek to understand CC in gay male relationships and it’s that power and relatedly, vulnerability, manifest in a variety of manners. More than that, power takes different forms over time and a central aspect of the power imbalance in coercivelly controlled relationships can be found in its earliest phase in which power imbalances emerge out of the cultivation of a trauma bond in the selected target.

A trauma bond induces a unidirectional attachment on the part of the victim to the abuser. The trauma bond is more than a psychological attachment, it is a physical one that is essentially indistinguishable from a poly-substance drug addiction. While it may be controversial to say and there is a paucity of research to support this assertion, I propose that the Abuser, as predator, knows exactly what he is doing in cultivating this trauma bond and utilizes a set of tactics that I refer to as the Weaponization of Sex and Romance (WSR).

Love-Bombing or The Weaponization of Sex and Romance

Professor Sam Vaknin, a self-confessed person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in his book Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited (1995), introduces a concept in which he refers to the use of sex and romance to seduce and bond prey to his predator as love-bombing. Make no mistake, these behaviors have nothing to do with love. Not one thing. The behavior in this stage of the assault is an intentional weaponization of sex and romance. And I hate to break it to you, it is not a relationship you may have had, it is an assault that you endured.

Through this seduction the abuser presents a carefully constructed false self that will mirror key aspects of your personhood. It is not uncommon to hear that you are their soul-mate, twin soul, a mirror. They will be studying you in this phase to both assess the treasure of which to wrest from you and the vulnerabilities that they will come to exploit.

While this “relationship” is destined to end in pain, suffering, and utter devastation depending on when you escape it, and while it may end with you getting smacked around, it all starts with a kiss.

As I continue to explore and express my thoughts and observations about Coercive Control I plan next to write more about trauma bonding, the role of oxytocin, and the weaponization of sex and romance. It is in these, the earliest phases of the assault that a victim is most able to escape unscathed and so I will also talk about safe dating, sexual sobriety and ground-rules for dating that will help you see red flags and warning signs more clearly.

Let me know what you think. Please leave thoughts and comments below. And in the meanwhile please choose to radically love yourself.