Features Available In My New Car vs Features I Wish Were Available In My New Car: An Essay


FEATURES AVAILABLE IN MY NEW CAR THAT I DO NOT CARE ABOUT:

16-inch 5-spoke alloy wheels

Outside mirror LED turn signal indicators

Chrome-tipped exhaust

Cloth-trimmed sport seats

Sport Mode button

G-Vectoring Control

Manual shift mode

Black beltline trim

Advanced tire pressure monitor system

Tachometer

Bi-LED headlights with auto leveling

Active Driving Display™

Connected Services Suite with Pandora

Black matte-finish front grille insert

Engine immobilizer

Rear decklid spoiler

Active Grille Shutters

i-ELOOP regenerative engine braking system

Moonroof wind deflector


FEATURE NOT AVAILABLE IN MY NEW CAR THAT I WOULD VERY MUCH CARE ABOUT:

Some kind of doodad that would prevent my iPhone from getting lost under the driver’s seat every time I drop it, to the point that I have to get down on my hands and knees in the back seat for five minutes and root around like a monkey trying to fish termites out of a rotten log.