I Waited Until My Wedding, and I’m Glad I Did
There’s a heartbreaking article floating around, “I waited until my wedding night to lose my virginity and I wish I hadn’t”.
It’s heartbreaking to hear her pain.
But even more, it’s heartbreaking to hear her draw the wrong conclusion about it and give advice that will lead to more heartbreak.
As I read her story, I thought over and over again, the problem here is not waiting until your marriage to have sex. The problem is all the other messed up advice she was given and what seems to have been a messed-up church environment.
This is not the Bible’s picture at all. For example:
“It was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn’t remain pure for me, because he didn’t have that same responsibility, according to the Bible.”
Um… what?? That’s not what my Bible says…..?
“I didn’t know what was considered sexual enough to condemn my future marriage and send me straight to Hell.”
This might be exaggeration, but if she was being taught this sort of thing, it sounds like she was being taught a moralistic legalism that’s 100,000 miles from the Bible’s teaching.
The problem is not that she followed the Bible too much, but that it wasn’t actually close enough to the TRUE teachings of the Bible. My fear is that her article will push people to an even worse solution… one that has lead many of my friends to even more guilt, shame, heartbreak and pain.
Sex = God… gross… or good gift?
Here’s the main problem, I think. Not that she waited… but that she was taught that sex is a dirty, sinful thing.
That’s not the Bible’s teaching at all, and not what I’ve beentaught at the church I attend. The Bible sex says isn’t God, it’s not gross, it’s a good gift.
As this really good response says:
“The environment in which Samantha was taught about sex is the chief contributor to her painful experience. Sex was taught as ‘bad’ until her wedding night, when you say some vows and sex is instantly ‘good’. My experience was far different.
Sex was a good thing before and after marriage; but I only participated in it AFTER my vows”
My own experience…
I waited, and I was REALLY glad.
I wouldn’t say it’s “the best thing I ever did”, but I’m very thankful I did and it was worth waiting.
My experiences are very similar to these words below, from this article. I’ve shown this to my wife as well, and she says it’s her experience too:
“Sex was never a ‘bad’ thing. My parents never whispered about it or acted as if it were taboo. I heard it preached about from the pulpit on occasions. I was taught about it in my youth group. The message was not, “Sex is bad! Stay away from it or you will be punished!” The message was, “Sex is wonderful, great, and God-designed – but it’s not time yet. Honor God and ensure the best sexual experience by waiting until marriage.”
So I looked forward to that experience. I knew it would be a learning curve. It wouldn’t be ‘Hollywood’ the first time or couple of times – that was true!
But sex was not evil: it was of high value. I was not taught to avoid sex out of guilt, but to protect it from being cheapened. And that’s how it was on my wedding night: an experience of the greatest value.
6. My wedding night was neither awkward nor guilt-ridden. I felt safe, loved, honored, and adored by my husband and my God.
Yes, it was physically uncomfortable. Yes, it was new. But contrary to the girl in the aforementioned article, I didn’t cry in the bathroom afterwards, and I didn’t feel dirty, guilty, or used. I felt as if I had run a marathon. I had crossed a finish line and received my reward.
My sexual relationship with my husband remains a joy to me, not because we’re masters or we know it all; not because we get it perfect every time. It was and is a joy because we are progressing in a pure, God-blessed love. I have no memories of anyone but him. I have no insecurities based on comparison to the past.
I am secure in my relationship with a Lord who loves me regardless of how my husband loves me, and because my husband treats me the way God has commanded him (with tenderness and care) I am continually surrounded by security and love.”
It breaks my heart to hear Samantha had such a bad experience. I just think it would be even worse to put the blame in the wrong spot. It’s not waiting, it’s the bad advice she was given.
The solution is not to give up waiting — I could tell you a dozen stories worse than Samantha’s, of long lasting pain, guilt, and heartbreak from not waiting.
The solution is to make sure you are in a place that will give you good teaching and advice while you wait. I’m thankful to have grown up in a place that teaches the Bible well, and with wise Christian friends who gave far better advice.
I waited, and I’m glad.