Today.
Today I am full of doubts. I’m reconsidering how well I understand my country. My social media feeds were, I thought, fairly representative and diverse. I’ll talk to anyone about anything; I’ve spent years living on three continents, developing skills as a researcher, facilitator and coach that involve listening, not prejudging, and being able to get along with the vast majority of people. And yet, it’s clear that my social media feeds are something of an echo chamber — there has been very little by way of pro-Brexit chatter, and on the occasions I came across it in the comments, it struck me as vitriolic, ad hominem, and even lunatic fringe. Turns out that was the majority talking, not the minority. Turns out I live in something of a bubble — a big one, with 16 million other people, but a bubble nonetheless. I felt so certain that my country would vote to remain in the EU, probably overwhelmingly, that I almost hadn’t entertained the thought that they might not.
Today I am confused. it seems to me that England in particular is not one country, but two. My fellow Londoners are reeling — it’s incomprehensible, we just don’t get it, we’re disappointed, angry, sad, fearful, apologetic, disbelieving, judgmental. Friends I have never seen raise their voice are furious, publicly. It’s us vs. them; it’s civil war; it’s the French Revolution. 17 million people feel that something, anything is better than ‘this’, and the other 16 million voters cannot begin to comprehend why. I don’t know 17 million of my country folk — I don’t know what it means to be British today; now more than ever the idea of ‘British Values’ feels ridiculous, generic to the point of meaningless, trying to paint a portrait with emulsion and a roller.
Today I am angry. I am angry at the utter lack of leadership on both sides of the campaign, that set a tone of fear, emotion, hatred and ignorance to prevail. I am angry that our elected leaders didn’t do their job of making decisions, like this one, for the benefit of the country. I am angry that self-serving, flip-flopping elites are making hay today and pretending that this is about some greater good rather than feathering their own nests and caps. I am angry at every sentence I’ve read that starts ‘I’m not racist, but…’. I’m angry at people boasting of profits made on shorting Sterling. I am angry at people already saying that they’ve changed their minds. I’m angry that emotion trumped (pun intended) facts, science, thought and expertise.
Today I am thoughtful. I am gathering my thoughts and digging deep. I am reminding myself that democracy means that each of us is entitled to one vote; that aristocracy is what happens when we believe that only the highly educated should make the decisions; that hatred is a good way to preoccupy us while calmer heads make their plans and steal our lunch; that the same hatred is what made both campaigns so toxic; and that my emotional brain responds before my rational one has a chance to get involved. I am reminding myself that nothing is certain. That ‘crucible moments’ like this are what create positive change. That everything is an experiment.
Today I am giving myself a little more latitude than usual. I am exercising my ‘chimp’. He is shrieking loudly, and I am allowing him to, for today, in a safe space. He doesn’t have free rein — he’s not saying things that he might regret, and he’s not permitted to take it out on other people. At some point over the weekend I will gently lead him back into his enclosure and hand over the reins to my human. At that time I will start to explore what this really means, and what to do that is positive, constructive, purposeful, rational, helpful, thoughtful.
Today, though, I am focusing on how I feel — and how I feel about that.
