What to Do with Your Beard

  1. Take it for a long walk on a frosty morning.
  2. Buy it some cheap sunglasses.
  3. Google Russian novelists and ask your beard if it recognizes anyone. Try not to be offended when it rolls its eyes and asks, “How many people from your high school do you still talk to?”
  4. Feed it soup. Especially something with a butternut squash base.
  5. Go jogging with it. Not just jogging — running. Sprint around the park, and just when your beard is sweaty and heavy, lean in and hear it pant, “One more lap. You can do it. One more.”
  6. Wash it. Dry it. Groom it. Make a day of it. You two deserve it.
  7. Try that new Lebanese place. You read the reviews to it, and it said it liked Lebanese food. Do not show it how disappointed you are when it says it didn’t care for it. Offer to pay — but don’t insist.
  8. Browse for places to go on that long weekend coming up. Pretend that your beard just didn’t hear you when you said what the budget is. Agree on a place. Pretend that there is no budget.
  9. Let your beard take the window seat on the train.
  10. Laugh at your beard’s jokes. Laugh when your beard introduces you as “my face” to the people it met at the bar while you were in the bathroom.
  11. Take it to the sink. Run your hands through it. Tell it, “It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.”