Modern day Cicero or absolute lunatic?
Two hundred twenty eight. Two hundred twenty eight times of any action really drives the point home. In Bill Burr’s case, a total of 228 times he uses two phrases. The phrases “right?” and “you know?” are used over 200 times and I think it really sets the tone for the entire stand up. Bill Burr’s type of comedy is an attempt at being relatable to his audience. His friendly nature throughout (except for one particularly bad phrase to a heckler) and his generally happy smiling nature really shows how he feels towards the audience. It is almost as if he is weary of his jokes really catching his audience. A world famous comedian strangely enough still seems to need validation of his jokes from the audience. However, I also believe this works in two directions. I think he also says these phrases so the audience feels like they should relate to him and that the things that occur in his life are similar to his experiences. He likes to exaggerate the occurrences in his life and have people relate to it, which is the definition of relatable. He also seems to go to provocative jokes and sensitive topics but somehow in the end always pulls together an odd sense of logic to bring the audience to his side. I appreciate his humor, no matter how raunchy, because he really does know how to set up and deliver a good joke through voices and body motions. Altogether, a wonderful comedian and a great pick for the stand up to review.
Ladies and gentlemen… Bill Burr! Alright, thank you. Thank you. Thank you sir. How are you, how’s it going? Alright! Alright alright everybody settle down.
In this short intro he already sets up the idea behind his comedy sketch, which is relatability. He talks to the audience in the front row, asking them how they are doing.
I want to get a gun. I do. I really do. I've never had that feeling before until I moved out to Los Angeles. This city just messes with your mind, you know? So overpopulated, technically doesn't have a water supply… right? The dollars crashing, shit keeps you up at night you are just thinking there, “What am I going to do when the zombies come?” Right? Start reading up on shit, get some powdered food, plant some zucchini, get a windmill… right? And that’s all well and good but if you don’t know how to fight all you’re doing is gather supplies for the toughest guy on the block. Right? I’m just thinking about that. What am I going to do when some dude turns me upside down starts shaking the gold coins out of my pockets?
The beginning of this is a prime example of his effort to be relatable by pausing and saying “Right?” repeatedly. It’s almost a combination of him reassuring himself while also convincing the audience of the validity of his statements.
I got to get a gun so I’m on the road, right, I’m in Reno, great gun town. So I go down to that little gun store right? I come walking in, some redneck there, and I’m like, “Hey man, I want to get a gun”. He’s like “I hear you. Whatcha looking for? Whatcha want? Mossberg, over under, 357 Magnum?” right starts rattling off all this gibberish, right? I don’t know shit. I’m trying to play it off; I feel like a bitch because I don’t know anything about guns.
“Reno, great gun town” is referred to as such due to the large number of Californians that go to Reno to purchase their guns due to lower restrictions on guns in Nevada according to Cynthia Hubert from the Sacramento Bee. Bill Burr is from Massachusetts and does a wonderful job impersonating southern accents and attitudes in this bit. His origins may also relate to the fact that he does not know much about guns, due to the fact that Massachusetts is number 48 in the nation for gun ownership.
So I was like, “What do I do here? Aww hell I’m going to go with honesty. Look dude, I don’t know anything about guns; they terrify me, but I’m worried about the zombies. Alright?” Dude is just like “You need a shotgun. You need a shotgun man, it’s got a good spread. It’s easy to load, it doesn't have a lot of work and parts, and it’s got a good spread.” He kept saying that, “It’s got a good spread.” And I’m like, “what does that mean?” “Well it means you don’t gotta be that accurate! It’s got a good spread! Further away you are the more shit you hit. It’s got a good spread. In fact, you got a problem over here? You ain't even gotta look. You just turn and wham that’s it. You ain't got a problem over here anymore. Anything that was even remotely a problem ain't there anymore, trust me. And these people here (points to front), they saw what you did here, you ain't got a problem here either. You feel me? 90 degrees taken care of right there, one shot. These people get smart (points to right), wham that’s it. It’s got a good spread.” So I’m like laughing my ass off I’m like “dude look I just want to shoot the guy. I don’t want to do a whole bunch of drywall work, you know? Re-frame my diploma. Get my parakeet another friend. I just want to shoot the guy.”
The gun store owners statement makes me wonder something I have often wondered with comedians. Are their lives just really funnier? Or are they just able to take situations most would treat as normal and turn them into humor?
So I’m like “Well how about one of these pistols?” He’s does that classic like redneck trailing off thing like “Alright you want a pistol? Go ahead and get a pistol… I mean what do I know I’ve just been here 20 years. Get a shiny one right?” I’m like “What’s wrong with getting a pistol?” He goes “I’ll tell you why buddy. Because life? Life ain’t a movie… You feel me?”
The pause at this point is amazing. He really lets the audience take a second and step into his shoes to really think about how they would reply before he gives them his reply.
I’m like “No. Can you please stop speaking in these backwards ass riddles? Can you just say what you are saying? I told you I don’t know shit about guns, come on — do me solid here.” He goes, “Look, you ever watch a movie, the guy go blah, blah, blah and he kills three people. In real life, man, you miss. You miss all the fucking time. You miss enough times man, you’re empty might as well be standing there with a big stapler in hand. Man, then what are you going to do?” I was like, “well fuck it, let’s get the shotgun.”
“In real life, man, you miss. You miss all the fucking time.”
He is all ready to box the thing up, and then I am like, “wait a minute, I live with my girl, I can’t just show up with a shotgun, right?” That’s not some shit you can just come home with. If I found a stool on the side of the road, I can come home with this. Look at it, we can refinish it, we can carve our initials in it. We can have a good time, right? Than just show up with a shot gun, yeah, I got it for us, right? One barrel for you, one for me, no, so, she kaboshes the whole thing. So, the other night, somebody broke into our car, sitting in the driveway, she starts fucking with her head, all right? So, she starts reading up on guns, you know, but she is reading too much. Because now she wants to get one, but she is just like, “well, I hear you got to keep the bullets in the safe, keep the stock in the garage” and then what, I run around the house and assemble it with some guy chasing me with an axe. You know, you aren’t even thinking this thing through sweetheart. Just run around, “where’s the scope?” “It’s in the living room.” “He is in the living room!”
This really gives a good image in the audience members’ heads about a very serious situation turned into a humorous light, which is a common tactic of Bill Burr.
No, we are getting this thing, I want that fucking thing loaded right on the bedroom wall, right there. I put that thing in my Jam-Jam sleeves, phhhh- just like that. There is no other point. That’s funny though when you talk about getting a gun, you know, people like they’re either totally for it or completely against it. You know they either go nuts and start screaming, all right, well they start throwing up those stats. “You know, actually you increased your chances of getting shot by 80% the second you get a gun on the house.” Really, what, cause I am going to load it and shower with it, like what the fuck, I know it’s dangerous. If you get to pool in your backyard, you immediately increase your odds of drowning in your backyard, right? You couldn't do that before, now you step on a rake and you go. No, I am telling you, I don’t buy any of that shit, stats are so fucking stupid. You know, not that they are stupid, it’s the way people apply them. You already have your mind made up and then you go to “iamright.com”, and you start memorizing a bunch of shit and rahhh , and just throw it up at people.
From the classic Jurassic park, the roaring T-Rex noise can be compared to Bill Burrs exclamations of frustration. Iamright.com is an open URL apparently, and a great chance to get your opinions out there. Iamcorrect.com however is taken sadly enough, but provides for an interesting read if you have time on your hands.
This guy tried to go me to scuba diving. I’m like “I am not going, I don’t want to get eaten by a shark.” He is like, “well, actually 90% of shark attacks actually happen in shallow water.” It’s like, “no shit, it’s where the people are. You know, it’s called the beach, 90% of the people are frolicking along the coastline, like this people swimming to Europe, let’s go to Iceland you pussies!” Alright? I don’t know. I actually like Los Angeles. One of the few East coast people that actually likes it. All my moron New York friends and Boston friends they come out there try to get a good slice a pizza at four in the morning. They can’t and they’re like “This fucking place sucks. It’s not like exactly where I left. What’s the point traveling if it’s going to be different?” They are so fucking stupid. Get a burrito and go on a hike. What’s wrong with you? You gonna go to Hawaii “There’s no pond hockey, this place sucks.” I gotta admit the only thing that freaks me out about Los Angeles is all the plastic surgery.
According to Total Beauty, the two highest rates of plastic surgeons per city are both in California, with number one being Beverly Hills, which is right outside Los Angeles.
I don’t get it, why do people get plastic surgery. You know? Why can’t you just admit it’s over? You know? You had your time. Stop trying look fuckable in your 50's. It’s weird. With their faces yanked back, looking all shiny, right? Not to mention they haven’t even figured it out. You know? Why would you get a face-lift? Can’t you look at other face-lifts and realize they haven’t worked all the bugs out yet? Like that’s what you want to look like? Like you just lost a fight three days ago? Don’t be a hero. Let somebody else go in there, take the fucking beach. You lay back. Wait it out. They are just lying to people like “Alright it looks great, put a little ice on it, we will see you in a couple weeks. Jesus Christ what the fuck happened? We followed every step; did we miss something? Oh hey hey hey!!! Here’s your keys, here’s your keys! There you go, there you go. Almost didn’t recognize you, you look so young. Alright, take it easy. Is she gone? She’s gone? Shred everything, shred it!”
Another great example of visualization. If you have the time I really recommend that you watch this comedy special if you haven’t already. He really does a great job with his movement and his voices to portray a scene to the audience on his own.
No you’re nuts. You wait it out let them figure it out. Then you fucking go in. Don’t be a god damn hero. You know? Look at hair plugs! Hair plugs don’t look half bad now. Saw this guy the other night on TV like “God I wish I did this 10 years ago!” It’s like “no you don’t!” Ten years ago when they were stapling ant legs to the top of people’s heads? Your eyes would water looking at their hair line like is that sown in? I see pine tar. They used to put you in like a headlock “Hold still!” Using a nail gun, “Hold still!” Guys would tap out after a row and a half. “Fuck it! I don’t give a shit.” You wish you got hair plugs ten years ago. Do you wish you got polio sixty years ago? What else is on your wish list sir? No you don’t fuck with your face. Okay I understand. Liposuction they screw that up you can put on a shirt. Right? There’s no shirt for your face. Who do they think they’re fooling, with that stupid shit, you know? You just lie to yourself. “I’m just going to do this, just going to do this (pointing to different sides of his face), just going do to have this done.” You’re not. Are you just going to wax the fender of your car? And that’s it? And the rest looks all shitty. Just do the hood and then do the back. That’s how it happens. Then you look like one of the Real Housewives. Face all twisted up, fucking idiots. Yea they’re idiots. Do I like I’m in my 20’s? You look weird. You look fucking weird. You still look like you’re in your 50’s, I just can’t guess what year anymore, because I've never seen that year. I've never seen that shiny fucking look. It’s almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53.
People there’s nothing wrong with being 52. Look at 52, alright, you’re 52. You can get fucked. Yeah you can look 52 or be 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard. Right? That’s your options at this point. You know what’s really like actually I embarrassing is the face-lift. That’s predominately a white problem. You notice that? I've never seen a black person with a face-lift ever. Other than like the Jackson’s but they’re all out of their minds, right? Cause their dad made them rehearse all day and sleep in a fireplace. Like jamming all night (pushing them in with his foot). “Get in your bastards.” No hugs, No kisses, his face permanently twisted up from fifty years of screaming. “Sing motherfucker!!!” It’s understandable with them.
This is one of the moments where Bill Burr takes a dip into possibly the inappropriate without needing to to further prove his point. It is a good bit and makes for a great image but some viewers may be a little shocked by his harsh tone and language in such a sad setting, especially due to Michael Jackson’s recent death in 2009.
Do you know why so many whities need face-lifts? I love that word, I’m trying to bring it back. I love it, it’s funny. Whitey!! You know why? You know why so many Caucasians need face-lifts? Because we don’t know about lotion. See that? Only half of you laughed. That should have been everybody. A lot of you were sitting there like “Well, what about lotion? What is this lotion you speak of and what is the magic therein?”
Below is Burr’s confused white person face, which is wonderfully perfect. One of the main reason I appreciate his humor is due to the fact that he is perfectly fine with mocking himself and people similar to him.
Just to put it out there you can use lotion on other parts your body beside your dick. Yea, you ever wondered why your dick still looks brand new but the rest if you was starting to look like an aging pirate. You need to increase the circumference of the lotion distribution. Alright, you got skin everywhere go check yourself. The bottom of your feet look like a prehistoric riverbed. That’s not part of a natural aging process. You’re dried out. I’m not judging you. I’m not judging anybody. I don’t know anything about lotion. I never used it the first 33 years of my life never use it until one night I was going out this black girl, right? She was getting ready and she was just putting that shit on everywhere. Just slathering it on. I thought she had like a rash or something. Like what, “you got like poison ivy, what’s going on with you?” She was like, “Just making sure not ashy”. I said “ashy?” She said “you know, dry skin?” And I went, “wow.” I guess I freaked her out a little cause I was like “huh”. She was like “white people get ashy too.” I was like “yeah you know I don’t think we do.” I’ve been alive for 33 years no one has ever said “Hey Bill you looking a little ashy.” I’ve never even heard that word until you said it.” She said “You are an idiot, stick out your arm.” She just drags her nails down. This smoke starts coming up it’s like pastry flakes flying off track marks, signing your name. Thank you, she’s like “Do you see that?” I’m like “holy shit I’m ashy.”
I was looking for an image to show what ashy looked like, and I was not disappointed.
I didn't know a thing about it. All I know was that I always got itchy in the winter. I figured out why I always thought “Why the fuck do I always get itchy?” I thought it meant the bath towel was dirty. That’s what I thought, and I would change it out and put a fresh one down. “I’m going to be okay!” I take shower dry off, bitching again “Damn I hate the winter”. See that that’s why we got to hang out with everybody. There is too much information in the world and every group of people misses a little bit. White people totally missed the lotion seminar at some point in history. I don’t if it’s because we can’t see it? You know black people get ashy looks like they like leaned up against a chalk board or something. You know? I can see it. They miss it their friends help them out. “Look at your mother fucking elbow. What’s wrong with you?!” We miss that shit the way black people missed the whole register your weapons summit.
In CNN’s article, “Does Race Shape Americans’ Passion for Guns?” they bring up an interesting point about firearms by race. They say that whites with guns are often looked at as guardians whereas blacks with guns are often looked at as criminals. Now whether the government does this profiling is a whole different question, but it does bring up an interesting point about perceptions of guns according to the race of the owner. However, I think not registering a weapon often makes it seem as if you have more sinister uses for it, which means that blacks who do not register weapons or make it open that they have weapons to not appear criminal will often accidentally self-perpetuate the stereotype.
Just never got the information. Right? The number of rappers who have been busted for the unregistered Glock in the car just blows my mind. It’s like why would you do that to yourself? Do you just want to make an album over the phone? Is that what it is? Is that the new auto-tune or some shit, I don’t know?
Out of curiosity I looked up rappers making albums from jail. Surprisingly enough, artists as popular as Lil’ Wayne, Gucci Mane, and even 2pac have all produced successful albums from jail. Most of the time the album is finished and then released once they are in jail, and in some cases this has actually been used as a tactic to get publicity by serving jail time.
It just breaks my heart every time I see it I just think God if he just had one white friend. If he just had one white friend in his entourage, the dude would have been sitting there like “Is that registered? You out of your mind? Get it out of there. Get it out of there. Yea it’s illegal! That’s like three to five mandatory. How do you, how do you not know that? How do you not fucking know that? Guys got an unregistered weapon in the car and we are just going to go drive around, it’s just ridiculous. Now see there you go. Alright you don’t need a face-lift, okay? Lay off the booze, do some cardio moisturize, you are going to be fine okay? Don’t believe in these myths. Black don’t crack it’s bullshit they all put lotion on like every 20 minutes. Every day, it’s ridiculous. Do they get a giant oil drum of the shit at home every morning to wake up they dump themselves in it shake themselves off and walk out the door, absolutely glistening. Glistening! White guys like me a walking around no hat on, “Oh let’s go sailing!” passing out face down in the sand. Speaking of no boozing, man I’ve been really trying to clean up my act. As far as that boozing thing goes, I’m really trying to lay off of it you know. I don’t know what is fucking head gets big as you get older you know you keep boozing you get stuck in that big Alec Baldwin John Travolta head. And you don’t notice though. Every day you’re brushing your teeth and your head is just getting a little bit bigger. You keep drinking, have another one, right? Then one day going to take that cell phone picture and you are just like six inches in front of everybody else you don’t think it’s a big deal maybe you leaned cause you feeling good, right? And you look at the pictures like “fucking yea!!! WOOOO!!!”
You are like I got to lay off this shit. So in trying to learn how to fix shit around the house that’s what’s filling up all this time. Just been sober, that’s brutal dude. You have no idea how long a year until you are stone sober. It’s fucking brutal. So I’m learning, right? My girlfriend doesn’t like it. She kind of has a temper now. She’s like “You know it’s not the “you trying to fix things” it’s that you get frustrated you punch the wall the dog start shaking I just don’t think it’s a good idea. You know you’re comedian, and you should tell jokes, he’s a plumber should plumb. Right? Trying to explain to her that losing your shit is part of the process of fixing something. Right? Everybody does that, right? Yeah!
At this point in his special he has now brought up the new material idea about “losing your shit is part of the process of fixing something” and he literally asks the audience “Everybody does that right?”. Just watching it for the first time it kind of seems like he is checking his life isn’t the craziest thing and he may kind of help people exaggerate in their minds the stuff they go through. In this situation we all go through getting angry while trying to put something together or fix something but he is able to sway my mind into thinking I do it every time.
Buy something at Ikea get halfway through putting it together you’re like “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING oh there it is, there it is. Well honey I didn’t see it. I didn’t see it! Why, do you want to put it together? You want to? Well then you put it together. This particle board piece of shit, the instructions make no sense. I will buy another one. I will buy another one! I’ll buy fucking five and smash four if I want to. Don’t tell me what to do! Oh go to your mother’s, I don’t give a shit. Jesus Christ, what story are you going to tell, right? Not the part about how I pay all the fucking bills, right? How was that uncalled for? How was that uncalled for? I wasn’t even talking to you! I was talking to the fucking thing. I know what I said, I know what I said, okay? You don’t need to tell me. I know what I said, yes. I am working on it. I am working on it, alright? Look, you think I want to be this guy? You think I want to be the guy that flips out about the fucking tables? I don’t. This isn’t who I am, this is who I became working through this shit. You don’t have to speak, what, you do shit too. I thought you were going to your mother’s!”
I would like to say that Bill Burr is the rambling man, but I think “king of monologues” is a better title. He goes on these long speeches in character about situations that are just perfectly crafted to relate to the audience. He goes on a couple throughout the stand-up and they really make the stand-up. His wonderful impersonations combined with his movements and faces really make this a recommendation to watch because sometimes the transcription can kill the mood.
It’s brutal. I hate having a temper man, its fucking embarrassing. You know? I’m sick of women I date always trying to fix me. It gets annoying after a while. You know? But you’re not out of your mind with all your fucking shoes. Right? What is all that about? Talk about this hypothetical perfect guy, go get him. Go down to Apple-bee’s let me know what you find, okay? I’ve had it. I’m working, I’m trying, you go down and you get mister even-keeled all the time with his little fucking sport coat. Right?
“It’s brutal.” Bill Burr uses this phrase to describe many things in life that are unchangeable. Brutal is defined as something that is “punishingly hard”, which is perfect for life. It’s that he says he wishes it wasn't but it’s simply a fact that it is brutal that sometimes we have to deal with things but he does an excellent job of providing hope through humor.
You live with that guy for a while you know? Like “Hey honey I’m home, how are you? Well, traffic was crazy, almost lost it, but thank God I had that book on tape. Right? Gulliver’s travels. Always a classic. Always classic.” Right? That’s the guy you want straight across the board, even in the bedroom? Always making love to you missionary style like “I love you, your hair is like an ocean.” You’ll never know when you like to be flipped over and have your face mushed into the pillows. You fucking psycho, right? She’s right, she’s always right I do I got to work on it. I hate having a temper you know? I don’t know if its hereditary or if it’s the part of the country I’m from. I’ve always snapped, you know? My dad was like the greatest dude I’ve ever known, and he had a temper.
“I hate having a temper you know? I don’t know if its hereditary or if it’s the part of the country I’m from.” Above is a map from TIME Magazine describing each state, and as you can see Massachusetts is one of the most temperamental states, whereas now he lives in one of the most relaxed states.
Anytime anything broke in the house, five minutes into fixing it he was bitching about his marriage. It was hilarious. He would see something broken like “Oh Christ would you look at that god damn it Billy give me that fucking screwdriver. I swear to God I don’t know what the fuck ever got married for 13 god damn years of this shit. You’re a bitch lady, you've been a bitch for years. Give me the pliers. Yea most guys would have left by now, most guys were left by now.” That was one of his catchphrases. Most guys would have left by now and you don’t know how fucking good you got it lady. Yea when I was a kid I thought he was nuts. Then I got older, you know, started dating. I realized, “Eh this guy is making a lot of good points. He’s not expressing them in the healthiest of ways.” I got to be honest with you, I’m kind of like jealous the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. You know where are all those old school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels? Who just knew that it had nothing to do with them they just sit there let you blowout the lines, right? What a luxury, right? To fail all day you come home and download all your insecurities on this other person. “How was your day?” (nice voice) “How the fuck was your day?! (not the nicest voice) You aren't even making decisions. Keep these kids away from me, get me a damn drink oh cut it out with the tears.” (evil laughter here) Then the bra burning generation came in, right? Now you have to sit there and listen to their stories all the time. Oh it’s the worst. You know what’s the worst? When they are telling you a story and you want to listen but that’s what they’re talking about you can’t even retain it. “So I was supposed to go to lunch with Jennifer. I’m all ready to do that I show up she’s there with Susan. She knows I hate Susan. I look like shit. Susan has been going to the gym.” I mean at that point your head is like a newborn baby you are trying to hold it up. You know? You can’t. Even if you tried to pay attention, you can’t, you just start staring at their mouth after a while. I can’t believe it keeps coming out. This is fucking unbelievable. It’s like “waeh waeh waeh, waeh waeh waeh.” (Charlie Brown’s parents-esque voice here) It starts fading off, like “waeh waeh waeh…”
This is another one of his beautiful voices, where he mimics his girlfriend, and does a perfect whining girl voice. He goes through a characterization where he describes his girlfriend as kind of shallow which is interesting. I remember watching Louis C.K. stand up in which he talked about arguments with his wife and situations they have been in and eventually they two got divorced. There is no doubt in my mind that you have to be pretty tough to date a comedian that talks about the relationship, and Bill Burr does certainly talk about a few very personal stories between them two. However, the girl he talks about in this stand-up he would go to marry the next year.
You start thinking about your own life, right? Why did I take Nebraska given 28? The fuck is wrong with me, that was an away game. And then her voice goes up at the end and I’m like “Shit that was a question.” Alright now what do you do? Can’t say yes, you can’t say no, you got to come up with something neutral, “Eh what the fuck you going to do? What are you going to do? It is what it is; you put one foot in front of the other and it’s halftime adjustments eh I got nothing.”
For all the supernatural fans out there, here is Dean Winchester perfectly describing the situation in which someone has asked you a question but you weren't listening to know what it is. Just something to note here is that I listened through this one passage of the stand up so many times and I am sure that he is talking about a football game but I cannot find anything about a specific game. I imagine he bet on a game and lost and regularly thinks about his mistake.
No I don’t to make my dad out like a psycho. My dad is like the best dude I know man but you know I understand it though, you know, he’s like the exact opposite me. You know, I planned out my life a little more. Right? That’s why I never got married, never thought about get married it just looked horrific. It looked really difficult. It looked like a lot of them failed. Then if you had a kid, you have that whole weird situation. Right? You got this thing that looks half like you half like somebody you used to love and know you want to slap the shit out of.
In this sketch he has a bit about domestic abuse and it’s causes but since this bit hasn't come up yet, at this point to me it really just seemed like he was abusive, which kind of threw me off.
Right? Kid comes up to you and you are like “Hey son just look to the right a little bit.” And he’s like “but dad I want to look at you.” (evil laugh here) It’s brutal. My dad was the exact opposite. Fell in love, got married, just started having kids. Had five kids by the time he was 33. Pre-Oprah, Pre-Doctor Phil, Pre-Chicken Soup for the holy fuck. I got five kids, I don’t even know who I am yet? The pressure of that, feeding all those kids. I’m telling you, every three or four days he would just snap, just snap out of nowhere. “Can you pass the salt?” “OH YOU FUCKING BITCH YOUR FUCKING BULL SHIT”
This was honestly one of my favorite points in the entire stand up where he described his dad getting really upset, and I tried to transcribe the words he used be he went pretty wild, really putting the proper emotion into the bit.
Boom! He’d slam the door. He’d have the car in third gear by the time he got it to the end of the driveway. My mother would always do the exact same shit. Just lock the door behind him, turn around and say “yeesh. He’s just crazy. He’s just a crazy person. What’s wrong with him.” Eight hours later, he show up, no apology. She would have dinner ready but she would have messed up, and he would give her a hard time. “You cooked the shit out of it.” (crazy dad voice again) I don’t know. I think I’ll be a good dad though. You know? I do. You know I’ve learned something. I think when I come to the point where I am ready to have kids, and I don’t think it’s that hard. I don’t. Part of me really believes that and part of me is just saying that pissing off people that have kids. They are all like “Oh you have no idea how difficult it is.”
This was the perfect gif to describe the previous quote’s voice.
Oh this is a great one to say: “Oh well I have a dog” “You can’t even fucking compare it to a dog!” Yea I can, I just did, and I’ll do it again. “Mines got four legs and yours only has two, go ahead. Yours bites someone and it gets timeout, mine bites someone and it gets put down. The stakes are raised.” No I do. I think I know how to raise a kid. You know what it is? You just play catch with him. You just play catch with him and talk about life. You just distract him by throwing the ball. He doesn’t even know. You begin fill his head up with your theories. Right? You don’t do it the old way, where you sit down across from your kid, “You want to tell me about your day? Anybody offer you any drugs? Did you learn anything about sex?” Like dude you are freaking me out. I’m trying to eat a pop-tart here. See that’s it, you just take him in the back and play catch with him. “What’s that son? No we aren’t going to church today. Well it’s a bunch of bull shit. God’s everywhere but I have to go down there to see him? And he’s mad at me down there and I owe him money? Go fuck yourself. I’m not stupid.
He has now done it, he has touched on religion. He does make it pretty clear how exactly he feels about it, and luckily for him the audience resounds with applause. I am curious as to whether comedians start out with a certain level of joke that isn't too bad and then just kind of push the limit based off the audience reaction and determine what material they can truly use there.
It’s ridiculous. You know, it’s in here (points to heart). You do something good, you feel good. You do something bad, you feel bad. Unless you are like a sociopath or some shit. Then you don’t feel nothing.
On talking about perceptions of psychopathy and sociopathy, specifically in comedy, I have previously written a paper about how that is seen in the eyes of people, in pop culture and hip hop that can provide an interesting look into the usage of the phrase “sociopath or some shit”. The link is posted below
Unless you got someone like duct-taped upside-down in your apartment. And hey if you do something like that I want you to tell me. Yea just tell me and then we will head down to the precinct and tell them everything. Yea I’m going to turn you in, you out of your fucking mind? This isn’t Dexter. This isn’t some sort of feel-good serial killer like “oh he only kills the bad people” (the whole time he is pretending to throw the ball still)
If for none other than a fabulous reference to an even better show Bill Burr consistently uses good references to really relate better to his audience, his ultimate goal.
Look you know your mother and I have been arguing a lot recently. You know I love her, you know I love her to death. But when I watch her eat toast, I just want to choke her. It’s the routine, you know. Right, left, middle, just fold it in fucking half and eat it. You know that’s when you know you found the right one. When you want to slap the shit out of them but you don’t. When you want to leave but you don’t. You want to leave but there’s just something about them, right? So don’t settle down until you meet one like that. Until then, just put a condom on, bang as many as you can so you don’t have a mid-life crisis. Don’t tell your mother I’m telling you any of this shit too.” (Evil laugh here) That’s my game plan. You know, I do have a dog. That doesn’t count for anything? I never understood that. You know? I love my dog and I’ve really learned a lot about being a dog owner. Any dog is a good dog unless you are a psycho. I’ve got a pit bull, and it’s still a great dog, unless you are a fucking psycho. And evidently, I’m a psycho.
Now this may be true that he is a psycho, but according to the daily beast, Pit bulls are actually the most violent breed of dog, so maybe Bill isn't all too blame.
My dog has been a maniac for the past six months. I never realized dogs feed off of your vibes. You know? If you’re chilling, they’re chilling. You know? If you’re sleeping, they’re sleeping, you know? But if you are a psycho like me, screaming at the ref on TV like “You've got to be fucking kidding me!” I didn't realize dog was in the corner like “yea, you've got to be fucking kidding me. This is bull shit. I don’t know what this guy is so mad about, but I love this guy. This guy feeds me. Is it the door? Are you mad at the door?!” Yea. I had no idea I was amping this dog up. I am so selfishly in my own world. I’ll be on the computer when it crashes and I’ll be like “really, Really??” and the dog is over in the corner like (insert dog shaking head noises here) I never notice like that game seven look she was getting on her face.
Every reference Bill Burr makes make me realize that I like him slightly more, with this wonderful baseball world series reference he makes here.
And one day, I had amped her up too much, I had no clue. And I went outside, I was walking her down the street and some poor bastard comes the other way. And the dog is just like “Oh that’s that mother fucker, RARRR” Lunges at this guy, I had to pull her back like “Oh dude I’m sorry she’s never done anything like that”
A newer T-Rex gif better describing exactly the noises he makes for his dog and guns and general action scenes.
Looking down at the dog I’m like “What’s wrong with you?” The dog is looking up at me like “Eh? I got that son of a bitch. I love you, you feed me. I got you. How did you see him for that far away? It’s unbelievable. Your ears must be better than mine.” Right? And then I got nervous. I got nervous around my own dog. I start thinking, “Fuck are pit-bulls really like this? Are they actually psycho?” I start going nuts. Which is another bad vibe to have around your dog. Like you are walking down the street like “Oh shit, she’s going to do it again.” And the dog is like “Oh shit? Oh shit what? That guy? RARRR” I have to pull her back, I’m like “Jesus Christ I’m sorry!” I’m looking down at the dog, the dog is trying to chest bump me and shit. It got so bad one day I’m like, “I got to take this thing to trainer.” So I load it up in the Prius and I take it over there. Yea I have a Prius. Go ahead. Judge me. I love that shit. People judge me for having a Prius. You’ve got a truck with a big lift kit, probably because he has a little dick. Well, why isn’t that because he has a dick down to the floor? Maybe that’s why he needs all the clearance.
See I have always been told that larger trucks are compensation for smaller parts of the driver’s body. But really that makes more sense. So, with the wonders of google I found a self reported survey car and truck magazine found that with the higher the lift of a truck the smaller the penis of the owner. Amazing what information technology can provide.
And if that means you have a little dick, doesn't that mean I have a huge dick? Because according to my friends I’m a fag. Anyways, let me towel down for a second. So I fucking take this dog down and I show up at the trainer. I got the dog in the back. Trainer comes out, he has got his hat on backwards, he’s got some stubble, big large cargo pants, you know? All shorts on and such, and I’m thinking “this guy is a psycho right.” And I look at my dog and my dog is like sizing him up. I’m like this is perfect, he can handle him. He says “Alright when you hand the dog to me make sure its totally taught, make sure there’s no slack.” And I’m like alright, but somehow I managed to fuck up and the dog just lunged right at the dude’s balls, and just barely missed him, getting a big mouthful of his cargo shorts. He just starts going “Alright get out of here, get out of here!” Instinctually I try to help out and he just goes “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE”. Yea I didn't realize that the only realize the dog was attacking was because it felt like it needed to protect me. So the second I left it just immediately became awkward. The dog is just kind of sitting there like “I thought we were like together, and I like thought you were the bad guy, I don’t really know how to feed myself. Do you want to be friends?”
At this point he does not use the t-Rex roar voice but rather goes back to using his girlfriends voice when she is complaining which is very interesting. It’s almost like he just uses that voice for awkward situations like him ignoring his girlfriend when she asks him a question that he didn't hear along with the dog attacking.
I come back four days later and she is playing around at the guys feet, reaching up to play with his goatee and shit. And he goes “Hey why don’t you have a seat? Why don’t you uh, take me through your day with this dog?” Immediately I started getting like this first 48 vibe, like he’s coming at me. I’m like, “What do you mean? I take him on a hike every morning.”
“Oh, uh, anything special happen on this hike?”
“Well, I don’t know. She takes a shit, I pick it up.”
He’s like “Alright, easy. You play any games with her?”
I’m like, “Yeah! At the end of the hike, as a reward for going on the hike, I let her run up the stairs by herself. I go “Come on Cleo!” I let her run up the stairs, I count five one thousand then I run up after her, and we start wrestling. You know, I sweep her front legs, put her in a headlock. But her tails wagging! So that’s a good thing right?”
And he’s like “No. That’s fucking horrible. You just taught your dog to claim the house and then fight for it. No wonder he’s like trying to attack the mailman!”
I’m like “So you are telling me I can’t even play with my dog?”
He says “No you can play with it but you have to bring the energy back down. You've got to stop amping her up. By the time you are done it doesn't matter if you are relaxed this dog has this mike Singletary look on her face.
It’s like she’s coming through the tunnel at the rose bowl like “This is what we play for! SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!”” Yea, so I am learning to control my temper because of a fucking pit bull. I don’t know. My girl has been bugging me recently, she’s ready to settle down, and I think I’m ready to settle down too. I have been saying this shit for years, she’s great. The only thing I don’t like is that she is really into reality TV. She watches all those dumb shows: “Put ten whores in a house, somebody tries to find a wife.”
“Put ten whores in a house, somebody tries to find a wife.”
She watches fat people cry about fudgicles blubbering alone like “Sometimes I don’t even open the wrapper, I just start eating and I get down to the stick and I know I should stop cause it’s made out of wood.” She sits there crying right with them. I’m like, eh, throw yourself in the river your fat fuck. She gets mad at me. Look I don’t put on TV to cry. I like to be entertained. I love when they fall on the treadmill and fly into the drywall. It’s like some modern day medieval weapon. I love it. All those horrific shows, the biggest fights we have, do you guys watch that show “Intervention?” Oh you like that? (pointing to an audience member) “Oh my god it’s so awesome. Watching a family completely fall apart.” (Evil laugh here) What is so entertaining about that? The pre-meth picture like “Look, she was so beautiful. She was the prom queen, everybody loved her.” And then they cut to a shot where she is like lying in the gutter like “I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick…” (slight evil laugh here, ill call it 1/3 of an evil laugh) You know what the maddest she ever got at me was? One time she was watching this show that was a poor excuse for the view and they started talking about domestic violence. Right? For the nine millionth time this year, you know, in case you didn’t get the memo. You know? Like some people don’t know it’s not okay to slam your wife’s head into the cupboard drawer because she didn’t dry the can opener off properly. Like “it’d better not rust”. How do you not know not to do that? What? There’s like wife beaters watching that are just like “Oh! Now I get it! Oh upsy daisy sweet heart, here we go. Aww there you go, aww.” So at the end of the hour they come to the logical conclusion: “There is no reason to hit a woman. There is no reason to hit a woman.” And I’m like, “Really? I could give you like 17 right off the top of my head. You could wake me from a drunken stupor and I could still give you like 9.” Dude there’s plenty of reasons to hit a woman, you just don’t do it. But to sit there and suggest that there’s no reason, the level of ego in that statement. What are you levitating above the rest of us? Never annoying? Women how many times a day to you think about slapping your man in the head? “Every day!” (yells a woman from the crowd) See, every day! But you don’t do it!
He does take an interesting spin on the idea of domestic violence here, with the idea that a man getting hit by his girlfriend or wife is kind of funny and women aren't afraid to admit it, but a man hitting a woman is completely not okay. It is a double standard and in reality neither should hit the other ever.
See there is no reason, there is no reason. See I’ll give you a reason. You fall in love, you get married, you go to work every day, you paying off the house, and you come home one day and she’s banging the neighbor. She hands you divorce papers, you've got to sleep on the futon, but you are still paying off the house. And she’s going to say, “No reason.” I’m not saying you should go do it. But, no reason? But in that ark of a story… Alright that was a hypothetical. You want a real story? Alright, I’ll give you a real story. So I fucked up my foot, Never married no kids. I figured this is going to lead me to the light. this is what I need to do. So I don’t know what I did. I played for like an hour, and afterwards I felt like there was some midgets stabbing me in the bottom of my foot. It was like I had lightning coming out of the bottom of my foot. So I did the typical guy thing, like I don’t need to go to the hospital, I’ll just sleep it off and be fine in the morning. Next morning when I wake up my foot is even worse and I have to walk my crazy dog. So I can’t do it,my foot is killing me. So I wake up my girl and I’m like “Sweetheart sweetheart, can you do me a favor? Can you do me a favor? Can you walk the dog? Can you take the morning shift, and I’ll take the afternoon shift? “ and she’s like “UGH I had a late night last night, I’m tired. I have a big day “and I just go “fuck it”. She is like “what do you mean fuck it?” And I’m like “why does it always have to be a 20 minute explanation where I feel like I’m being water boarded, just say no. It always goes around in the end to you fucking yourself. Just say no. “So I get out of bed I’m limping around. Now I am walking down the street, It’s like I have to rats. I am like fucking bullshit and the dog is standing next to me like grrr.
Relating this back to the last sketch about his dog really shows how all of his life problems kind of meet in the end. In reality a large part of comedy is talking about problems and making humor out of them, which he does an excellent job of.
I have to admit I got a little childish. I did. I got a little childish. I was just thinking about my relationship, you know? With the relationship we are and you are just going to do whatever the fuck you want to do and you are just going to fuck me? Fine. I am going to do whatever I want to do. I’m going to listen to my iPod on full blast walking around the house, that’s what I’m going to do. So that’s what I did. I turned it on full blast. So that was my plan, to walk by here and pretend I didn’t even know she was there. She came down the hall I just coasted her I didn’t even know she was there. Pretend I didn’t even know she was there. And let me tell you something it works like a charm. Worked like a charm. I hung my coat up by the time I had turned around she was already yelling at me. But the music was so loud not only could I not hear her, it actually looked like she was singing the song. And I was like oh this is the highlight of our relationship. I was like whatever I don’t want to talk about it. Leave me alone I’m going on the computer right so I flip over and sit down and she’s like no I’m going to talk about this right now. I’ve got big ears it fucking hurt and I’m like honey “leave me alone I don’t want to talk about it”. Again she slaps him off a little harder Bam this time they spent halfway around my head. Caveman caveman DNA starts coming up. I’m like “honey leave me alone I don’t want to talk about it.” The third time she comes up and whack, she slaps him right across the room and I snap. I’m like fine do you want to have the fight let’s fucking have the fight. And she’s like “we will discuss this later when you calm down.” Right there I want to roll her up and her yoga mat and stuff are behind the couch and leave her there until she got thirsty. “Come on let me out of here. I have a spin class you've made your point this is ridiculous.” No that’s the thing, It really is that’s the thing I hate the saying there’s no reason. Obviously I’m not saying to hit a woman. I’m not saying there’s no reason. When you say there’s no reason that kills any sort of examination as to how to people ended up at that place.
In no way would I ever approve of abuse. I understand what he is saying. Like there is a reason to get angry and he states that there is a reason to hit a woman but we just don’t, but this is the same logic like “I want to jump off a bridge for a thrill.” Like with the bridge it would be a thrill yes but we don’t because there are more important reasons as to why exactly we aren’t doing that. So what he is saying is correct but kind of incomplete.
If you say there’s no reason reason you cut out the build up; you’re just left with the act. How are you going to solve it if you don’t figure it out? Look how awkward it is in heat right now. I said you shouldn't hit a woman, I’m just saying why shouldn't you ask questions? Ask questions about what the guy did you can never asked questions about the woman. (Woman from the crowd says “answer him right “) What what does that mean? What does answer him right mean? Are you the idiot they got up half halfway through the special during the bit and you are like walking around while I’m like fucking taping the special here. What’s wrong with you? Fucking had to ignore all that and now you’re just going to yell out. Not only that you’ll something that makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Answer him answer him. Every fucking special I do there’s always one. Always write down the fucking middle. I’m talking about hitting women sweetheart and I think you just added another reason.
So this is probably the most risque line of the entire thing. I was talking to my friend about the stand up (he does stand up sometimes) and we were talking about crowd hecklers and he wanted me to read the way Bill Burr reacted and I had a little trouble reading that last line because I really think that was maybe a little too much, especially to someone that was speaking out against domestic violence most likely. This next bit is quite serious so I will put an annotation at the end with my thoughts of his whole rant.
I’m not even in a fucking relationship with her and she’s fucking nagging me. Fucking unbelievable. Look I understand hitting woman is a bad thing, but why can’t you just ask questions. If I get bit by a rattlesnake, wouldn’t you guys have some questions?like “how did that happen? Did you not see it? Were you were you fucking with it? How did the snake get so mad it almost killed you? “When fireman put out a fire they don’t just drive away afterwards, they sift through the debris. How did it start?here’s an oily rag, right? Look I realize I’m coming off pretty ignorant right now, I realize that. Let me extend an olive branch then. I realize there’s some animal guys out there. Okay horrible guys,today the factory come home, tuna casserole and they just start so I can start swinging. I am not trying to say that those people don’t exist. I realize they exist and they should be buried underneath the prison. So if I can admit that, can you at least admit that every ass kicking doesn't fall out of the fucking sky. Really? Even hockey has two minutes for instigating. There some back-and-forth to happen before that shit, you know? Do you know what it is, because every case is handled like the Rihanna one. That’s where it’s like “the guys a piece of shit blah blah blah send them to jail “they never asked anything about the guy. I’m not saying he should’ve done it, I’m just saying. In your heart of hearts, what do you think was going down? Like she was just sitting there like “oh my God do you want to get some Baskin-Robbins? “And then he just started (swinging his fist). You know? And maybe they were having some epic end of the relationship fight and some crazy shit was being said. She was screaming some shit in his ear, some crazy female shit like “I’ll fuck all your friends I don’t give a fuck. Maybe that’s why some more albums the new. Motherfucker “right? To be fair she could’ve just been sitting there like “can I get a tissue? Do we keep those in the glove box? Oh my God, i’ll bring my own I’ll bring my own. “And do you know what? It’s cause we never addressed how women argue,which I think is the core of a lot of that shit.
This is the end really of him talking about physical abuse, but now he kind of takes a turn into talking about emotional abuse also. He keeps it funny the whole time but really he is talking about dark subjects.
You know? I got to tell you something man I know a lot about how women argue. After 20 years of losing every significant battle in a relationship I finally figured out how they argued. And I’m getting ready to turn this franchise around. I have begun a winning tradition. This is how they are as far as I can tell, if they are right they argue the point, they stay on point and they make sure you stay on point until you’re down on your knees apologizing begging for forgiveness. Here’s the thing, if they are wrong they go rogue. They go off Road, they start thinking shit you said to them, how you don’t get along with your dad and in their head they start concocting this evil statement, totally designed, desperate hail Mary attempt to make you so fucking mad that you just call them a cunt.
In a weird twisted way this is kind of emotional abuse turning into verbal abuse? Like emotional abuse from one side ends up with the other verbal abusing the abuser. These notes have kind of gotten darker during this section and I apologize it’s just this section frankly is about a dark topic, and even though he does make humor out of it, it still is dark.
Cunt trumps all the bullshit they did to start argument. Now it’s not about that it’s about “well that’s no reason to call me a cunt.” And then that’s it you’re in this room now right? My girl knows my big thing is my fear in life is to be that dude that grows old. You know, he grows old alone, he has a basement apartment just screaming up at the younger couple “turn it down! That isn’t music.” What I’m saying is every time she’s losing a fight out of nowhere she would just be like “that’s why you’re going to grow old and be alone quote and then I’m like “rawr””
Another T-Rex gif to really show you the noises he makes, because I truly can’t capture them in words.
The next thing you know I’m in the kitchen washing dishes for the night fucking time in a row. This is what the argument was about, I was so right what happened? So if you learned anything from my ignorance tonight, just know this, next time you’re in a battle with you beautiful woman your wife girlfriend whatever and they start out of nowhere, they just start saying that crazy shit out of nowhere, just know what that point that you’ve won the fight okay? Just don’t get mad. Bob and weave all of that shit. She says “it’s cause you got a little dick. “Just let that slide stay in the pocket of the argument. Okay? It’s over. You’ve one, just take a knee and run out the clock, alright? Yes just lean on the ropes let them punch them selves out and then at the end you through other psychology right back at them. “Well maybe we should discuss it later when you calm down.”
Well they won’t hook up with you for a few days but oh who cares. Rub one out. Rub one out like a man like a champagne victory. No that’s what I’ve learned I finally learned to like keep my cool and my relationship. A couple years ago, right? Me and my girl had this big argument. Actually do you guys want to hear of the time my girl punched me in my face? On my birthday? This is what happened. If I’m really honest the fight started about two months earlier. It’s like the middle of March I’m just driving around. She’s like “oh my god, I didn’t know they had one of those out here. We need to stop and go in there.” So I’m like yeah fuck it let’s do it. I walk in immediately I see it’s one of the stores that doesn’t have any chairs. I know what they’re trying to do. They want me standing right next to her so when she likes something I have to buy it. I don’t give a fuck I’m not playing that I go over and sit down underneath the manikin. I have like the dressing in my hair, “so you can’t sit there “I don’t give a fuck.looks like I’m doing it looks like I’m doing it right? (Slight evil laughter) so unbeknownst to me, she finds some sweater that she likes right? Some ridiculously priced, like 400 bucks or some shit like that right? So she knows. It’s not her birthday none of that crap. She can’t ask me. Got to go to manipulation mode. What do I use? What do I use? Do I be sad, do I pout, do I use sex? I can’t do that. You know what she used? She went with the little girl.
She went with the little girl.
She just came out and she’s just like and I’m like “what’s up?” And she’s like “I saw something that I liked. “And I just want to be like “well then why don’t you fucking pay for it. (Full evil laughter here)” So she goes over and she shows it to me, right? And I’m like it’s 400 bucks. She does can you get it? And I go “no, fuck that. I’m not doing that. It’s not your birthday, it’s not Valentine’s Day, it’s March. What do I get that for you for St. Patrick’s Day? Get the fuck out of here. I’m not doing it.” So I don’t know what happened, we are driving home and somehow she manipulated argument that she asked for the sweater and that it’s not the fact I said no but it’s the way I said no. Right? Got to this huge argument. Got so mad by the time we got back to the house I just told her to get out, I’m driving away. I’m driving when the Prius. Right? So I’m so fucked up about it I had to call my sister up to get a female perspective. She’s laughing her ass off, “you took all the bait” you’re an idiot. I go “what do I do? “”Why don’t you just go back out of the store and buy the sweater? Hold onto it, and give it to a few months later for her birthday. “And I’m like fucking genius. Genius. I hate the pressure of the birthday all her friends like “so what are you getting her?” “Fucking sweater bitch.” Bam. Right? Fast-forward three months it’s her birthday. I’m laying in bed she wakes up, she want to go to some restaurant that night. She’s like “did you make reservations?” I’m like “I haven’t made them yet but we will be good right?” She starts freaking out “what do you mean? It’s my birthday. What do you mean you didn’t make a reservation?” I’m like “sweetheart it’s a Tuesday in the middle of a session. I’m sure that there’s going to be a table. Right?” So she starts freaking out. In the back of my head I’m like I got the sweater, I’m good right? So the more she yells at me, the funnier becomes to me. But like an asshole rather than laughing to myself, I sort of snickered out loud. I kind of giggled a couple times as she just snapped like “are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me on my birthday?” And then the more she yelled, the more I laughed. The more laughed more she yelled. It was just this vicious fucking thing all the way up. They go all the way to the point where she is standing at the back door saying “you’re going to yell at me on my birthday? Fuck you!” Bam slams the door, runs down the stairs, at that point I’m literally in the fetal position like dying laughing walking towards the bathroom and then all of a sudden she came back up the stairs. And I’m knocking ally to you, I got a little scared for half a second. No I did. I was in my underwear, I was feeling vulnerable. She comes flying in the bathroom and the second I saw her face I knew she was going to hit me. Right? And I’m such an asshole I actually have a game plan for when a woman is going to hate you. Like that’s how many women I pissed off my lifetime. I actually know it’s going down.
The way in which he describes the next bit by defending himself against women when they are trying to beat him up seems like something I do not want to be involved with but seems genuinely accurate.
This is what it is: most women, they’re flailers. Unless they have some sort of MMA training and then you’re on your own, you’re probably going to get a few, right? Most are right-handed, so you have to guess overhand right. That’s the first thing you got to guess. So you get down in the pocket, that overhand right comes in and Bam you catch that wrist. The second the rights coming you know the left coming and Bam you catch that one. This is a crucial moment. The second you got the right hand the next thing you got the left you have to step back and you have to go like this (raising knee in front of crotch) because she’s going to try to kick you right in the balls. As she kicks you, then you spin them around talk your head down low, because they will try to head by you, and then you just use the weight of your torso to slowly bring them down to the floor as you whisper sweet things. “Oh look at the tiles. Remember? You picked those out. They go so well with the wallpaper. “Right?
This is one of the last rights, and really shows he uses it through the whole stand up really pushing the idea of acceptance.
(Slight evil laughter here)
But she tricked me. She came into the bathroom she invented this new punch. She didn't do right she didn't throw a left, She did this like double punch. I called the defibrillator, right? She caught me in the shoulder and like in my appendix. Like fucking wham. I almost went flying back into the bathtub and I caught myself. And she’s already for me to take the bait and flip out but I didn't. I just remain calm. I just said “Sweetheart, I think you need to go to work now. “She didn't know what to do. She was like “(Heavy breathing)” and then she just walked out. Alright? Went down to the car drove to work, I walked out into the kitchen and got some Cheerios. I sat down and started watching SportsCenter. (slight evil laughter here) fucking three minutes later all of the sudden the phone rings. Right? I pick up the phone and I just hear her going “Hi. Okay. Things got a little crazy.” I’m like “a little crazy, you almost split my head open on the goddamn tub.” “I’m sorry I’m just, I’m passionate.” That’s what they say when they start swinging. “I’m passionate, I just have so much love for you, I tried to cause you to have a seizure.”
So this is something that I have heard before and to a point I can see its validity. Like someone you love can really bring out a lot of emotion in multiple directions? Again it doesn’t justify abuse but I can see to a point what she is saying.
I don’t know. I’m good at this I fuck up my personal life too often. I really do. You know? I’m afraid to get married. Why why wouldn’t a man be afraid to get married? At this point. You know? Look at Kobe. Look at the shit he’s going through right now. Right? The guy is getting divorced. His wife is going to get 70 million bucks. Never had a layup in her life. Can anybody explain these divorce settlements? Can anybody make sense of these fucking things? Tiger Woods wife $250 million. She’s a babysitter with a quarter of $1 billion. Somebody, go ahead. Explain, justify it. What?he cheated on her? I don’t give a fuck. Yes I don’t give a fuck he cheated on her the relationship is over right there. Kobe cheated, right? Shouldn’t that relationship have been over right then? Why did she hang around for three years like some fucking jaded cop trying to get her pension? Right? Get that 10 years in.I don’t know maybe that’s too harsh. That shit bothers me ma’am. Dude there is an epidemic of gold digging whores in this country. And every night I put on the news, and I’m waiting for someone to address it. Every night, I never see it. You know? And every night I bring up Golding whores and the whole crowd pools back like I’m talking about Bigfoot. Right?like I am saying the moon is made out of cheese or something. We are talking about horse people. They’re everywhere. How many? How many more great man are going to get chopped in half before we do something? Why is it so quiet in here? Goddamnit I don’t get it. Why is it? Women is it because you think I’m calling you a whore? I’m not calling any of you here are a whore. Okay? So don’t go back. That’s not fair. If you brought up wife beaters I wouldn’t pull back I get it. There are guys hitting women and it has to be stopped. We’ve got to understand that Golding whores are wife beaters for men. Yeah they are. Except we don’t have that Rihanna lumped up photo in the end so it’s not obvious. It’s in the eyes, It’s in the lines in your face, it’s in Mel Gibson’s high-pitched voice on the answering machine. “I had to give up my Laker tickets. “Right? That is the sound of a man being taken for everything he’s got. I got to tell you this I’m envious of women. Okay? I’m not saying your problems get solved but at least they are taken seriously. You know? You got one 800 numbers you got ribbons, there’s groups. People give a shit. If anything happens to a guy it’s just considered funny. Some woman cut her husband’s dick off and threw it in the garbage disposal and turned it on. People thought it was hilarious. “Hey stumpy. “Nobody cares. Do you think of a guy remove the woman’s titty and through that shit in the dryer if anybody would be joking about it The next day? The entire country or grind to a halt. There would be a moment of silence. The NFL would have some special colored headband that everyone would have to wear. For an entire month, the most feminine color they could possibly find, Possibly come up with. All my heroes are going down. Arnold Schwarzenegger, another great man another great man, taken down by that gold-digging whore of a maid he’s got. I’m not saying he’s not a piece of shit for doing what he did. It was a piece of shit move. But how come only he got chastised? What about the maid? That entire story she was never called a whore. Ever. It just boggles my mind. She knew his wife on a first name basis played with their kids, fucked her husband in her own goddamn bed. That is right down the checklist, First ballot Hall of Famer for whore. Right there. Never. Why do you think she hooked up with them? Because of a 1987 flattop he still rocking? The giant space between his teeth that I can put this my cord through? Or maybe it’s all that kindergarten cop money (look this up close for the sea closed parentheses closed parentheses) laying around the goddamn bedroom. No it’s awful. It’s a horrific thing to see as a guy. Watching guys go through that shit, and then there’s no examination of it.they just go “he’s an idiot, yeah he’s stupid. “That guy is stupid? If that guy is stupid, what the fuck am I? Right? (Slight evil laughter) does this even make sense? Why would you do that? Why would you accomplish all that and then fuck it up hooking up with one of the ugliest human beings I have ever seen in my life?I am not saying I’m a prize I’m just saying you know? There’s got to be something beyond that, right? Do you know what I think it is? I think it comes down to the way he talks.(Imitation of Arnold) that dude should be unloading trucks and Transylvania. That should’ve been the height of a success.because he’s a great man he had the balls to move to America. He became famous for lifting weights. I lift weights. No one gives a shit. He lifts weights. He become super famous. Did he rest on his laurels? No. Next challenge: I’m going to become an actor despite the fact that no one can really understand me. Against all odds she starts making movies. Get down there’s a bomb get out of there. He becomes one of the biggest blockbuster stars of all time.what are you going to do next Arnie? I think I will marry a Kennedy. There’s no fucking way you can do that. But Bam he does it. Cherry on top I’m running for governor of a state I can’t even pronounce any wins the election. Why wouldn’t this guy think he could bang his made in his own bed and get away with it? This dude has been in the zone for over four decades. For decades. Nothing but net. Bang I made in my own bed? Dude that’s a layup. Are you serious? I had a hit movie with a midget. I don’t even need a condom. And then what happens? The smoke clears. And that all these trolls come out of the woodwork and they start judging this great man. All these fatty’s least fucking old guys who never gotten it with the jowls coming on TV, “absolutely read handsome bull behavior. What kind of a public servant? His legacy is shot. “(Slight evil laughter here close by the sea like they have any idea what it’s like to be tempted to that level. Right? Like they have groupies as they walk out to the Mercury Tracer parked on the other side of the dumpster. Really? You are beating them off? This guy, he’s not a great man anymore?terminator doesn’t count? Is that what the fuck you’re telling me? Because he fucked Alice, really? He is still not a great man because he did that and the whole thing is over? Anybody here think they could move to Austria, learn the language, become famous for working out , Then be a movie star, then marry into the royalty and take public office. How many lifetimes would you need? I’m on my third attempt at Rosetta Stone Spanish. Right? How can I judge of these these guys? I can barely handle the temptations of Facebook. And I’m going to judge Tiger Woods. I golf. I don’t walk off 18th hole and there’s a busload of Scandinavian women waiting to fuck my brains out. Sorry ladies got to go home to the wife. Right? No it kills me. And there’s no how about there for guys. There is that.there’s nothing out there to help you handle becoming rich and famous. Nothing to prepare you for that platoon of whores that is going to form on the horizon right? Like Braveheart, Faces painted will run down the hill and jump on your dick in front of your wife. They don’t give a shit. There’s not even a handbook out there. I saw one article written about it on the cover of TIME Magazine. It said “why do so many rich famous and powerful people act like absolute pigs?” Right? And the article was actually written by a woman. That’s like me writing a book: “the third trimester and what to expect”. Ladies you’re going to file pressure. How the hell would I know? You don’t want to hear that from me. Right? And why is this woman telling me what it’s like to have a dick? That makes no sensearea. You have no idea what it’s like to have a dick 24 seven. “Do it do it fuck it do it “. That’s what it’s saying. Do it do it yeah do it.that’s how we survived as a species. Every man in here is programmed to fuck 85% of women in this room. Right? Yeah like “do it do it fuck it do it”It’s just that you won’t which is why we don’t. That’s not you keeping your dick and check, you know? Some guy at Home Depot working there he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it. Because horse don’t care about lumber. Right? But the second he hits the fucking lottery, you know that “Do it do it fuck it do it” wasn’t affecting his life and all the sudden these horse show up like I’ll do it I’ll suck it I’ll do it. Right? No, Somebody’s got to step up alright. I’m not even blaming horse really. It’s just guys are fucking idiots, what are we doing. Why are we working so hard and they give me to some chick that works three shifts at a fucking Hooters. You know? They are fucking bombs. Sitting there with fucking Doritos dust in their cleavage walking around with hundreds of millions of dollars. I’m sitting there like yeah that’s what the law says. Yeah what 100 years ago I could’ve beat you with a fucking mop handle and be like well that’s what the law says. That doesn’t make us right. No it’s on real. And all this shits going down we aren’t doing anything. What are we doing same old shit. Sitting around watching shark week? Watching shit about poison snakes halfway around the world just filling your head up with all this useless information. “What to do if you come face-to-face with a Bengal tiger. “Don’t look at it don’t look away slowly back up as you push your friend forward. Right? All this useless information, Yet hanging between your legs is this thing that could crumble your entire empire in seven minutes are left, and you don’t know if fucking thing about it. Even worse you think it’s your friend. Yeah you know why because your dick suck a dreamer. Your dick believes, it’s like a motivational speaker. It doesn’t give a shit what question you ask it,it’s always like yeah yeah go for it excellent strategy. Where is your dick when you get caught? It’s like slumped over yeah I thought it was a good idea. Yeah. You have to know that. If your dick was the third-base coach it wouldn't be holding anyone up it would be fucking waving people around. Everybody go and standing up. Oh there she comes, slide slide! Thank you all, have a good night.
Overall, I really thought this stand up was brilliant. The individual bits could easily be stand alone and it makes me wonder the massive amount of quality bits he must have where he can use so many in one stand up tour. He did catch me off guard occasionally and I do think he may have taken it too far against the heckler, but in reality, sometimes that’s what comedy is about. I appreciate the content, especially with the excellent way he is able to tone and voice it. In reality I think he often searches for validation during his jokes, but he should know at this point he will always get it from an open minded audience.
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