I Just Wanted to See a Movie. My Bladder Had Other Plans.

My Hectic and Stressful Journey to Find a Washroom.

Recently I was with my friend Cameron on our way to watch a movie in Toronto. We arrived downtown, parked, and walked into the theatre only to find out that the show was sold out for the time we wanted. So we decided to buy tickets for the late show and went to go eat dinner in the food court on the floor below. Cameron didn’t like any of the choices in that building so he opted for a corned beef sandwich from some deli place outside. I got pasta. But Cameron, oh boy was he in for a treat later that night. I’ll get to that later. This story fucking sucks so far okay let’s get to the good stuff. After we finished eating we decided to go for a walk around the building. It was fairly large with 5 floors of shops, restaurants, and other stores. I’m not gonna say the name of the theatre although if you live in the city I’m sure you know which one it is. We still had another 2 hours until the movie started and I had drank about 3 bottles of water because hydration is a hobby of mine. I needed to pee. Bad. So we went looking for washrooms.

We started on the fifth floor and walked around and couldn’t find one. We went down to the fourth floor and couldn’t find one. What the fuck was this place? As we descended each floor it got eerier and weirder. Less people, but the people who were there were either homeless crackheads or fucking mutants. I don’t know what it was but it was very strange and uncomfortable. Finally on the 3rd floor I asked a guy cleaning the floors if he knew where a washroom was and he pointed down the hall. That was it, he just pointed. No words came out of his mouth. I felt like I was being sentenced to death. But I went because I was about to piss myself. Of course the washroom was locked. Of course it was. So we made our way down to the second floor and this is where shit gets real. Literally.

I find a washroom and Cameron says he will wait outside. I’m laughing and giggling in relief as I walk up to the washroom door. FINALLY! But just as I pushed it open I was hit in the face with what can only be described as a powerful blast of toxic diarrhea. It was like nothing I had ever smelled before. I was scared and confused and before I knew it I was inside the shit dungeon. I actually screamed, “NOOOOOO! WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” until I quickly realized that the culprit was still in the stall of the washroom. I saw his legs quiver under the hole of the toilet stall. I then looked down in front of the stall, and what I saw there will haunt me forever. Smears of shit all over the floor. Blasted liquid shit had made a trail from the stall to yes, where I was standing. I stepped in it. It was now a part of me. I screamed again as I bolted out the door and into the hallway noticing the shit smears following me out. This guy had shit himself outside of the washroom where I can only assume it ran down his legs as he made a brown brick road into the toilet stall. I ran out past my friend covering my face with my arm and yelled, “HURRY WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW!”

I explained what had happend to Cameron and although he seemed just as horrified as I was, he didn’t experience it like I did. He didn’t get blasted in the face with the stench of toxic diarrhea. At this point I’m upset about what just happened but I’m also about to piss my pants. I did not want to be a version of the shit monster I just experienced, so we made our way down to the first and final floor. It was the basement. It was abandoned. Or so we thought.

No washroom in sight. Just empty stores closed down for the night. I noticed a stairwell that lead up to all the floors. It was empty. I made a game time decision and told Cameron to be my look-out just in case anyone were to walk in from outside the door. It was highly unlikely seeing as we were the only two down there. I was going to piss in the stairwell. In a flash, the very thing I did not want to happen was about to happen. Just like the shit monster, I was about to become the piss monster. So we settled on a knock on the door if someone was coming and I would pull up my pants like nothing ever happened. Simple. Easy. No harm done. Except that my friend Cameron is the worst and completely fucked up the one task he was assigned.

A woman was walking towards him. He thought she would walk past him but she made a quick turn for the stairwell door and before he knew it, she was through the door. I had my pants down, mid piss, I swung around thinking it was him. In one fell swoop I flashed my dick to this woman, who had to of been 60+ years old, and pulled my pants up so quick I couldn’t stop pissing. So yes, I did in fact piss my pants. The woman stopped and stared at me for what felt like an eternity. We made eye contact. She saw everything, she knew everything about me just from that moment. Then she asked, “Are you okay?” I replied, “No” and ran out.

A few thoughts ran through my mind after that. I thought, she either thinks I pissed my pants in a stairwell, or that I’m some chronic public masturbator. It happened so quick. Who takes a piss in a public stairwell? I’d like to think it’s more common for someone to jerk off in a stairwell you know?

That was it. We ran away and went up and watched the movie and enjoyed the rest of our night. Well actually, I enjoyed the rest of my night. Karma caught up to my friend Cameron. Remember that corned beef sandwich he had for dinner? On our way home from the movie I had to pull over on the highway so this guy could puke his brains out. He got food poisoning! I should have felt bad but I’m going to be honest I did not. I was smiling looking at him in my side mirror as he barfed up both his lungs on the side of the road. Because of his ridiculous inability to be a friend earlier in the night, he lost all sympathy from me.