A New Employee Welcome Letter from the CEO of Soft Blankets, Inc

Dear Valued New Employee:

Hello! Welcome! We are so excited that you have joined our team, and we hope that our excitement here at Soft Blankets, Inc. will soon be your excitement as well. We at Soft Blankets, Inc are passionate about the subject of warmth covering and that starts right here at the top. I personally have always been a big fan of the blanket industry, fascinated by the way a blanket hunts down warmth created by our own bodies, captures it and holds it against its will for our benefit. Like a soft, possibly-fleece, possibly-cotton, possibly-something-else-all-together band of tiny bank robbers, taking heat hostage and holding it in place! Just for your comfort and enjoyment!

Perhaps it was my time as a youth spent in the wilderness of Whitefish, Montana that really connected me to blankets. After my mother and father sent me unwillingly to Gateway Boarding School for Boys, I was searching for something that I had control over. Also, I was often very cold. Discovering that my body temperature was completely subservient to where I placed blankets and articles of warm clothing, I started finding power for myself. For example, if I rolled an ankle during a morning marching drill, I would leave that foot uncovered later that night, teaching my body parts who was in charge, and letting each joint, muscle, and appendage know what fate they would receive for failing me. Should this foot be too cold to function in the morning, I would simply let it apologize to me and make sure it learned its lesson. After deciding that I would forgive, and not send it away to a wilderness military camp abduct of happiness, I would then use my warming skills to bring the foot back to full strength. I would cover it with more blankets than usual, and conduct what I later named “kinetic focus,” which consisted of rubbing the afflicted area with both of my hands.

Of course with my new-found ability, I occasionally succumbed to a more super-villain-like attitude. When another student named Harris saw me one morning performing “kinetic focus” on my upper thigh the morning after it had failed an under-8 minute mile, he mistook the act for a more lewd one, and shouted through the dormitory that I was “beating my meat like an I-talian butcher.” While it took me some time to figure out what “beating my meat” meant, it took no time at all to be humiliated by many aggressive, hormonal, recently-shunned-from-their-homes pre-teens.

Three days later on a camping jubilee, I snuck into Harris’ tent, unzipped his thermal sleeping bag, and left the flap open. He was found in the morning shivering in cold sweats and lost two toes to frost bite. No one asked me if I knew who unzipped Harris, but I was prepared to tell them it could have only been the I-talian butcher.

Years later, I learned to better control the warming and cooling powers I held. I had a breakthrough during one experiment that consisted of covering one of my legs with a heavy wool blanket and the other with a thin cotton sheet. The difference in warmth was too extreme, and I decided I could only use this ability for good. No one should go cold without a blanket, and no one should lose toes when a blanket is so readily nearby.

I have also gotten a better hold on my want of something to control. More than just body heat, I now have my own 600 person company, including factory workers! I control not only their work schedules and building thermostats, but also their livelihoods! And it is with this passion and progress that I welcome you to the Soft Blankets, Inc family.

Your CEO

Robert Bertman