The best Halloween costumes to make this year if you’re lazy and broke
There are three types of people when it comes to Halloween costumes. The first category can be dismissed as they don’t see the point in dressing up, and the second can immediately follow them, as this group of people have had their costumes planned out since before the end of summer.
Which leaves us with the third type — the people who talked about planning what to wear for Halloween and then did absolutely nothing until three hours before their first party, get together or shindig. Every Halloween for the last few years, I may as well have been the president of this final category. My lowest (or most ingenious) point was when I rustled up a costume out of nothing at around 4pm on October 31st, but I never got much better at it.
I know I’m not the only one who’s awful at figuring out what to wear for Halloween, so I decided to help put an end to the indecision. Here are some of the easiest and cheapest outfits that can be worn by anyone.
Before we start, I’m fully aware there are many different varieties of sushi, so we’re just going to stick to the one most Brits know the best: maki. All sushi is good, but this one’s the easiest to turn into a costume, and who wouldn’t want to dress up like raw fish wrapped in seaweed? All you need is a fish plushie from a toy store, a disposable white t-shirt and either black duct tape or clean black bin bags. I really can’t stress clean enough. Using clear Sellotape, strap the fish to the top and then tape the black item of your choosing over it. Job done. Enjoy looking like a snack all night.
Tony Stark as himself
Whichever version of Tony Stark you’re aiming for — be it the womanising playboy from Iron Man or Tom Holland’s concerned father figure from Infinity War — you’ll want to stick to his classic look: pointy goatee that no one but Robert Downey Junior can actually pull off, thin moustache and slicked back hair or a quiff. For the facial hair, you can either grow it yourself or use mascara. On top of the hair, you’re going to need to copy his arc reactor from the earlier films. This can be achieved as easily as buying one of those small push lights designed to be stuck to shelves and taping it to your chest. When you turn it on, the light should still be seen through your top, and this little extra detail will help you stand out from the rest of the Stark posers.
Everybody’s using this stupid phrase these days, so if you can’t beat them, and you don’t want to join them, you can at least show them what real fake news is. Stick your favourite ridiculous or inappropriate newspaper headlines onto a cheap, light-coloured top and paint the word FAKE over them. Using red paint stands out nicely. If you don’t have any newspapers lying around and don’t want to spend the pound or two required to buy a couple, then you can continue turning to the internet to provide you with what you need for free. Head on over to sites like the Federalist or Russia Today and you’ll find more absurd headlines than you could fit on a wardrobe of fake news outfits.
Women in yoghurt adverts
This one speaks for itself. Women in yoghurt adverts behave like aliens from a world where yoghurt is banned. I’ve tried plenty of yoghurts in my time and they’ve all been fairly unexciting, yet these women are having their minds blown by the stuff. I can’t say for sure, but I have a feeling 51% of the population don’t just sit around with their friends smiling maniacally as they eat, talk and fantasise about yoghurt.
Sorry, to get back on topic, if you’re a woman, just walk around balancing half a dozen yoghurts in your arms and grinning like a lunatic; if you’re a man, buy a woman’s wig and do the same.
Death and taxes
Benjamin Franklin once mused that the only two certainties in life were the two above, but had he somehow lived until 2018, he could have added a third one pretty easily: silly Halloween costumes riffing on serious topics. For taxes, dress up nicely and wear a badge or slip of paper with HMRC written on it. You can even carry a briefcase. Now for death, which means putting on a black, hooded robe or gown and carrying a scythe. If you don’t have a scythe on you, make that a knife, but even if it’s fake, probably best to leave it behind if you plan on going out. And as easily as that, you’re all set to be a combination of the most despised things in human history.
Donald Trump’s Twitter Account
Wear light blue, throw on a cheap blonde wig and start drinking six hours before everyone else, while watching a bombardment of 80s action movies and NRA TV.
This article originally appeared, with slight modifications, on Debut.