The definitive guide to visiting your local Saudi Arabian consulate

You may have seen the alarming news in the biased and corrupt Western media regarding the disappearance of Jamal Khashoggi. The obscure Saudi journalist walked into the Istanbul consulate on October 2 and hasn’t been seen since. While we were initially under the strangely specific impression that he had left within a few minutes, or maybe an hour, we now know that a group of obviously renegade Saudi Arabian operatives murdered him. Why they chose to follow direct orders and kill this dissident you’ll never know.

But don’t confuse us for Yemenis: we’re still good, reasonable people who should be treated with respect and a lack of targeted bombing. We don’t want a repeat of this ruckus again, which is why we devised this cheat sheet for anyone wishing to visit Saudi consulates in the future. Just follow the advice, be polite and friendly and don’t tell any loved ones when you intend to arrive or leave.

  • If yours is only a short stay in the country — and we’ve all unofficially been there — then expect the hotels near the consulate to be fully booked up by Saudi agents who just happen to be on holiday.
  • Likewise, although nearby parking is often very good, it can occasionally be a real sharmouta. If you spot several black SUVs parked outside the entrance, keep any questions to yourself. After all, they could be anyone’s.
  • If you have an appointment, show some courtesy and arrive a little earlier than needed. Not too early though, otherwise the plastic sheets may not be in place.
  • Ignore any smells of bleach or other powerfully destructive acids or chemicals. Our consulates can get pretty messy, so we’re constantly having to get the cleaners in.
  • Saudis like to stick together, even overseas, which explains why you might see a number of senior figures in the consulate with strong links back to the House of Saud. Saudis also enjoy studying medicine, which explains why you might see a doctor specialising in autopsies there too.
  • If you pay us a visit and you have a history of telling people “Saudi Arabia did 9/11”, then fair play, because that either takes balls or an utter lack of principles. Either way, please try and ensure you’re in a position of power to buy our oil or sell us guns.
  • Anyone visiting our luxurious bathrooms should under no circumstance pay attention to the man covered in red paint frantically washing his shirt sleeve in the sink. We also bring in a lot of decorators.
  • Upon entering the consulate, try really hard not to have ever written a monthly column in one of America’s most influential newspapers criticising our glorious Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. If you couldn’t help yourself though, we can sort something out.
  • And finally, to end on a less serious point, no running in the halls with scissors! Bone saws are fine though.