Like Jumping Off A Cliff: December 22, 2015

December 22, 2015

I can feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like anticipation for an unknown event or fulfillment of this unspoken desire- no, need- that has been pestering me for years and months upon months; yet, I still feel the despair of wondering if it’s truly going to happen or if instead it’s just some cruel, sinister joke intended to twist me up and shatter me inside. I have this longing, desire, need that I can’t deny or run away from. I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. I want to change things. I want to initiate that spark that sets into motion all that I feel building up, but I don’t know how. I honestly don’t know how. I am hollow because I’ve used every resource and idea that I had to get through to you. I can’t give up, yet have no idea how to continue. I’m stuck in this eternal limbo that feels more like a hell, and I can’t escape. You may say that the answer is right in front of me, but I don’t see it. I cannot grasp it; it keeps slipping through my fingers like a mirage whenever I get too near. That’s how he’s always been. And I have no idea how to break this barrier and take the leap to bring me to you. Please, it’s lonely on my side of this. Is it lonely on yours? Because if I just knew that if I jumped into the abyss that I would land on solid ground next to you, then I would have the faith to take that plunge even if I couldn’t see the ground beneath my feet. Give me a shred of something to believe in, have faith in, or hope for, and I would effortlessly take the leap of faith that would bring me to you. Without that glimmer of hope, though, how do I know that I’m not foolishly jumping into nothing, naively following the ill-intentioned advice of something doomed to fail? For all I know, this feeling of mine could be the devil on my shoulder urging me to jump off of a cliff where nothing awaits to catch me except the inevitable pain when I hit the cold, unforgiving ground. But this feeling feels too pure. I feel it infesting- no, enwrapping- my heart with a sense of hope and longing and anticipation that I haven’t felt for far too long. These are all words, though, unless I find that elusive shred of courage to push me into the inevitable freefall. Until I take the plunge, I cannot and will not know what awaits me: you to catch me and solid ground beneath my feet; or the cold, unforgiving rock bottom. *ALP

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