How to Tell If You’re in a Feminist Relationship: A Checklist
1. Do you share the emotional labor of the relationship?
These are all great articles if you’re unsure what emotional labor is, what it looks like, or how to check in with your partner to see if you are both doing an equal share of it.
2. Do you not impose gender roles?
Feminism is about choice. If the woman wants to be a stay at home mom, that is totally okay. However, this should not be imposed on her, just as being the breadwinner should not be imposed on the man. This also means that traditional ways of being masculine and feminine are not imposed on their relationship counterparts. Women aren’t automatically seen as more emotional, indecisive, passive, gentle, etc while men aren’t seen as stoic, logical, blunt, etc. See #1.
3. Do you have a balance of power? Do you have an equal say in decision making?Obviously compromises exist, but if it is always the woman compromising in the relationship, you do not have a feminist partnership. Decisions should be made where both partners have an equal say, hear each other out, and decide on next steps together.
4. Do you have open and honest communication, and neither person’s feelings are disregarded?
Does your partner actually listen to you? If the woman finds herself being interrupted, cut off, or being told “yeah yeah I get it,” this is not a feminist relationship.
5. Is sex always consensual and enthusiastic? Are both partners being satisfied?
As Margaret Cho mentions in the forward to the book Yes Means Yes!, sometimes women have ambiguous sexual experiences: they have sex because they want to get it over with, they want to please their partner, it’s easier than saying no, etc. In a feminist relationship, sex is always consensual and ENTHUSIASTIC. You’re not being pressured into having sex in any form, and you don’t have sex just because your partner wants to. Moreover, are both partners contributing to the pleasure of the other? Put another way, “If a guy doesn’t give a shit whether you come or not, he’s probably not a feminist.”
6. Do you both understand and identify with feminism? Are you both actively engaged politically?
Do you recognize societal power differences in many forms? Is the person who is more privileged willing to see and acknowledge oppressive behavior? Is everything that is assumed about heterosexual relationships up for discussion, debate, and examination?
7. Is he a good feminist ally? Ie. Are you comfortable around his friends? Does he stand up for you in a group of men?
Feminism shouldn’t end in the bedroom, or at the end of conversations between the couple. This applies to both sexes, but applies more, I think, to the man in the relationship. The man should be a feminist no matter where he is. This means that he should back you up in spaces where women might not be as comfortable as men (male-only or male-dominated spaces). He should call out the sexist behavior of his friends. He should make these spaces welcoming and comfortable for women. He should stand up for you, should you choose to be the one to call out or acknowledge someone else’s sexist behavior. He should use his privilege to make spaces more feminist regardless of whether or not you are present.
Edit: This checklist and the preceding survey focused on heterosexual relationships, because of the pre-existing power structures that make these relationships possibly more susceptible to sexism. I’d love to keep expanding this conversation to queer spaces as well!