Journal Entry #16 (07.30.18)
I am officially back on the West Coast, and I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m happy to be back. From the two weeks I’ve spent with my cousins on the East Coast, I can’t emphasize what I took for granted. For one, the weather here compared to over there is undeniable. On the WC, there is less humidity and purely just heat. No days where I have to shower twice a day because I feel sticky or where I have to wash up to eliminate the sweat so I don’t get bitten by mosquitoes. On the EC, they do have plentiful, quality seafood that normally would be expected on the WC, so I give them that. Of course, there are new places to see, new people to meet, and activities to do with my family. I can go on and on about the comparisons, but in sum I had my opportunity of spending time away from “home.”
The concept of what “family” means never transpired with me. Growing up, I never controlled the multitude of emotions until my first year of college. Most of the time, I either felt guilty or belittled for just being myself and figuring out what I needed to do to “discover my identity.” Obviously there are going to be major fuck-ups that shift our perspectives but it wasn’t enough to provide a revelation on getting over it. Quite frankly, I had a better time socializing and connecting with strangers. As my best friend mentioned, strangers offer less bias, and no history between you and them. At times, their advice benefits not only your mental well-being, but your goals for the future. I understand that your genetic pool will serve as your lifeline to any unexpected circumstances but what happens when your genetic pool are the unexpected circumstances in which adds complexity to living life to the fullest?
Nearing towards the end of my family vacation, I felt awfully excluded, confused, and annoyed by what I was noticing from my family. Coming from an Asian background, we typically love to gossip about anything. Whether it is about someone in our family or to a little thing like what we ate, I hear the privilege in the words they speak. Even I catch myself mirroring the likes of their behavior and later feeling guilty for doing so. I would vent to a couple of my friends how it feels artificial and distant with my family because of our difference in viewpoints. I’m sure that in Asian backgrounds, we are not good with our words. The tendency to bottle it up and impulsively let it implode is how we get around problems involving intuition or sentimental conversations. For me, I am tired of it. I am tired of the resonating feelings I get when I am around specific family members such as my brother. There is too much unanswered questions that forces one to “run away.” I’ve been wanting to move away until I find peace from within. I can’t communicate with my genetic pool until I continue my message of soul searching. My glass, as my aunt says, is half-empty and needs that voided love and care I’ve been seeking. Perhaps it isn’t a notion of running away. But I can’t really say. With these thoughts swarming my mind, it then becomes a self-interrogation. Where did the problem first begin? Why am I still feeling this way? So on and on.
Even right now, I can’t process the core root to the problem. It seems as if the problem has already been deeply embedded. Therefore, if there is one thing to conclude for this journal entry is that I must move on. Moving on to the point that when I move away, I focus on self-reflection. I will live my life, loving myself and loving those around me. I will reach higher on my studies and apply it as if I am marking a mark. I will attempt to catch myself from gossiping and rely purely on talks dealing with growth and development. As easy it may seem, there’s still a lot of things I am not ready to discuss. In time, I hope that one of the future journal entries will secure the answer. But for now, I must move on and cherish what lies ahead. I can’t dwell on the past or dwell about my genetic pool. If I keep dwelling, it will be solely my fault for the stunting of progress I have made.
~ Thank you for reading and KACHOW ~