Fast Cars and FREEDOM

I was unbelievably attracted to this new guy. Tall, fit, smart, funny. He was the whole package. That’s why I was ready to see him the very next day. He drove to his parents’ house to borrow their new puppy to come meet me for ice cream. He was so sweet. Just absolutely willing to do whatever just to make me smile…and we’d only been talking for a couple weeks and had just one date!

Two days went by, and we had decided to go out to dinner. He took me to this adorable little town to a restaurant with killer sweet potato fries and sushi. I know it sounds like a weird mix, but these fries were the best sweet potato fries I have ever had. Then we went to a bakery near by and shared a cannoli. We finished the night with a walk around the town and it was lovely. A sign for a local play caught my eye, and I went to read it. He said he wanted to take me to it. Was this town called Swoon City? I think so. And then the actors from the actual play came out and started joking with us. And he was so personable talking to them. I just thought to myself how lucky I was that I was with him that night, and that I think I could see myself really liking him at some point. We strolled back to my car, but before we got there. He stopped me under a streetlight, and said, “I have had a wonderful night with you.” He dipped me and kissed me right there. It was so unexpected, and I loved every second of it.

I went home eager for our next date, which we had planned on for the weekend. I started thinking to myself, how it felt like I hit a brick wall. I wasn’t expecting to like someone this much.

What if I want to start dating him? This was only our third date. How could I be feeling this way? I still need to date more people. I’ve only been at this for a month. But then again, I really want to keep seeing him. As for everyone else I had been talking to, I could’ve cared less if I never heard from them again. There was that instantaneous attraction with him that I had always heard about, but had never experienced. This was the epitome of lust. And what about my blog? I started out this journey for more self-discovery and now I’m just going to quit?

All of these points and more were running through my mind. I was overly aware of how fast things were progressing, and how fast I was starting to fall for him. And then I thought to myself. I don’t care. I can take risks. I’m an adult. If I want something, I better start going after it. So I did. I invited him over the very next night.

We weren’t supposed to have sex. We were just going to cuddle. I was well aware that he was going to stay the night. I thought I’d be able to resist, but damn his cross-fit body was fire.

We spent Thursday night together, and then Saturday night, and all day Sunday. By the end of Sunday, I was missing hanging out with just Andy. Crossfit-Adam and I went full speed ahead in a matter of a week. And I wonder how different things would be if we had just slowed things down.

It was like an addiction. I wanted to be with him as much as possible. Being in his presence was intoxicating, and I didn’t know how to say no even though I knew it was bad news bears. I’m learning how to indulge. Plus, I figured if I am going to learn, I gotta make mistakes. It’s the best way, right?

But all of a sudden, something changed instantly that Sunday afternoon. My switch just flipped. I realized as much as I enjoyed spending time with him (whether it was in my bed at night or not), this was not what I am ready for. We were essentially dating in a matter of a week.

I asked him for some space. Since I also didn’t want to make a rash decision just because I was too scared to be vulnerable (and I am).

He could tell that something had changed. And I was honest with him. I told him I was overwhelmed and not ready for this type of a relationship. I want to explore. I want to have fun. I want to learn more about myself. He wasn’t too happy. He clearly had become more emotionally invested, than me. And I tried to reiterate to him that it wasn’t about me not being attracted to him. I absolutely was. I really liked him. He was goofy and weird. And did things that made me laugh. And he was sweet. I felt genuinely special for the first time ever. It’s just this isn’t what I want right now. I still want to check what’s out there. So Crossfit-Adam reluctantly gave me my space, but he said that even though I would be dating other people and not interested in pursuing something more serious, that he still wanted to see me.

The space that I got was great. I watched a little more Sex and the City and learned so much from Carrie, Charolette, Miranda, and even a few things from Samantha. I wined. I cleaned. I spent time with some friends. I realized how much I enjoy dating myself.

I broke the news to Crossfit-Adam. I told him that I don’t think it is a good idea to keep seeing each other if he is significantly more invested than me. And he said he understood. Then, he surprised me with asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits.

I was speechless. How could he just switch to such an emotionally-detached type of relationship. Is FWB even possible? Doesn’t someone always get hurt? What are the rules? I’ve never done this before. I need rules.

We talked about this for a while, and I finally decided why the hell not. If I can flip a switch and decide I don’t want to be with him, why can’t he flip his stage-5-clinger switch? Plus, now I get to still date myself, other men, and keep my boo-thang around.

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