Lockdown: Week 2
In my last blog, I neglected to mention something fairly significant. For the first week of lockdown, I was on leave. Working from home while simultaneously trying to be of some use as a father has presented new challenges. To set the tone, 10 minutes after turning on my laptop last Monday, Joshua ran over, grabbed my work phone and hurled it at the wall. Gladly the screen didn’t smash although, if it had, at least there is a phone accessories shop at the end of my street which is still very much open. I can’t imagine it’s deemed an essential service but the shopkeeper seems to think otherwise. Surely people can get through this difficult time without a Pokémon phone cover?
We were supposed to be going to the Peak District on Monday 23rd March, the day lockdown was announced. Over the weekend before, what you could and couldn’t do was still ambiguous and I was leaning towards “Shall we just go?” and trying to convince myself that driving 70 miles to sit in a hot-tub outside a converted farmhouse constituted essential travel. A few days later the Peak District was all over the news with police slamming outsiders for visiting, so I’m relieved we didn’t. With that said, when my wellies intended for the trip arrived, it was a dagger to the heart. Whether or not wellies are essential is another question for another day. It’s a bloody minefield, isn’t it?
Fortunately, Joshua sleeps for a solid two hours in the middle of the day so Louise takes Jacob and I can do some work. The rest of the day, though, not so clear cut. Although Louise has been great in trying to accommodate me working, I can’t help feeling like a bit of a shitbag as I sit on my laptop with earphones in while she deals with a crying baby and a boisterous toddler who, in one of his recent highlights, fed his collection of magnetic dinosaurs into a radiator. We can’t get them out. The radiator is broken.
While trying to concentrate with a shouting lunatic charging around the house (the children have their moments too) can be tricky at times, work itself hasn’t been too bad. Guys on probation seem happier to have a phone call instead of having to traipse to our office or have me turn up at their house with a notepad. Who’d have thought it? I’ve also had a few video calls and training things etc. on Skype which have gone better than expected.
I don’t like Skype as it reminds me of Louise going to live in Australia for a year. We’d only been together for a few months so this was a substantial inconvenience and I can confirm a long-distance relationship is pretty shit. I suppose we’re doing an extremely short-distance relationship at the moment. Does that even things out? The furthest away I can get is the loft and even there I’m not safe. The other day I got a text, with no kiss, asking me to turn the music down when I was listening to Sean Paul (admittedly unnecessarily loud.)
Louise’s stint in Australia was in 2008 so internet connections were slower, faces were blurry pixels and often, as a real treat, Skype would do its annoying ringing tone but not let you pick up. Also, with the time difference and us being students, on a lot of calls, one of us had been drinking and the other hadn’t, which rarely goes well. I have occasionally passed this advice on to guys on probation. The rare calls where we were both drunk were great fun, but I don’t mention this.
After all our good intentions, Joe Wicks’ PE class has already bitten the dust but we’re still trying to do a planned activity with Joshua each afternoon (baking buns with Louise = success, building a pirate ship with me = not a success).At some point, I also take Jacob out in his pram for a nap/my daily exercise. On a walk a few days ago, we passed one of those free library things and I helped myself to a classic Where’s Wally? book for Joshua. Thinking I’d return home a hero, I was surprised when Louise looked cross.
“Where the hell did that come from?”
Ah, don’t touch things. Coronavirus. Damn.
I washed my hands and Louise scrubbed the front and back covers of the book but there is now, what feels like a tainted and contaminated Where’s Wally? book sitting in Joshua’s bookcase, forever catching my eye and creating a bad atmosphere. You can’t burn it, can you? The world might be going through a tough time at present but there is never an excuse for introducing Nazi practices to your family home.
A night’s sleep over the past week has been, at best, completely-fucking-shit. Jacob lured us into a false sense of security in his first few weeks and I became arrogant, telling people how much easier it is the second time around. He’s now reminding us that babies can be demanding and, at times, downright unreasonable. If you just stopped squirming and crying, this would be easier for all of us, pal. At 4 am a couple of days ago, I clumsily spilt his milk which led to Louise saying.
“I sometimes just wish I had a non-thick husband!”
I could see her point and I’ve tried not to take this too personally. I don’t think you should be held accountable for what you say between the hours of 1–5 am, especially if there is a crying baby in the mix.
With the sleep deprivation, after a day of juggling work, childcare and a healthy dose of online football quizzes, I am done in by 8 pm and look forward to vegetating in front of the TV. A few nights ago we wanted to watch The Tiger King on Netflix but discovered our TV no longer works. Come on now? This is not the time. We just want to unwind with a redneck tiger tamer and his two meth-addicted husbands. Is that too much to ask?
To soften the blow of the broken TV, we’ve treated ourselves to Hello Fresh food and some bottles of nice wine (more than £6 each) which helps things. Quelle surprise. I mean, you could do lockdown in a shed and get by just fine with good food and wine, couldn’t you? Not with two children actually, that wouldn’t work at all. Forget the shed.
Treating ourselves to such luxuries is obviously not sustainable and we begrudgingly accept that, at some point soon, we’ll have to get through our days in lockdown without a creamy prawn rigatoni and bottle of Chablis as light at the end of the tunnel. We’ve just started potty training Joshua though so it won’t be this week. No chance.
Thanks for reading. If you’re looking for something to read at the moment, my book, The Thing Is, is available here!
