A Tribute to my Brother. Our Ste. My Twin.
Our Ste was a special — a very special — person. One of life’s originals who shunned the norm, the status quo and the ordinary.
Beginning
He was my sparring partner, my partner in crime, my sounding board, my release mechanism, my enthusiast but most of all he was my twin. He was my little brother yet he was 5 inches taller than me. He looked after me in school when things were difficult, he always tackled me in football, we drew at table tennis but I beat him in Monopoly and cards. He always had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. He walked everywhere with a bottle of water in his hand and a skip in his step. You knew that his mind was always pumping full-steam ahead yet in a lot of ways he was made of different stuff to you and I.
We were like chalk and cheese. He was an artist. I am a scientist. We programmers kid ourselves by saying it’s an art but in reality it’s a creative industry not an artistic one. In our Ste’s abstract paintings however I always saw some mathematics — the layers of paint, the hue and tint of each part of the canvas, the uniformity of the entire piece yet the differential within. The more you looked, the more it stayed the same, yet every part of every painting was unique, much like a fractal. At least that’s what I told myself if only to try and understand.
Being
But to him, each series of paintings and even each painting itself was a series of thoughts, deliberations, effort and toil. Sometimes his paintings portrayed happiness or laughter. Sometimes aches and pains. Occasionally they were based on stripes, blocks of colour or shades of light but to be honest they were made of the inside — they were made of himself. They weren’t the work of his hands but of his own flesh, blood and mind. Ste never shied away from portraying himself or his thoughts on the canvas for all to see.
They may look like something physical to you and me, but to him they were emotions and feelings. Remember this for a moment.
Painting for me, is a process that helps facilitate inner stillness. It ceases to be an activity and becomes more like a mantra or period of prayer. The painting is then the visualisation of this inner connectedness with being; both colour and I seek the transcendent, the iridescent, to vibrate with the energy found at the deeper reality of being. This method of painting allows me to become absorbed into that timeless moment of oneness, going beyond thought, and moving into alignment within. The visualisation of this inner connectedness with being, become the paintings you see.
Gone
You’d never know exactly what or how much of himself he put into each series of paintings. He guarded it not because it was a secret but because it was so personal to him. He never told me much about any individual piece … and now we’ll never know.
Because Ste’s gone.
And I don’t know where.
I don’t think he knows either.
But wherever he is I know he’s happy.
It was that happiness along with many other things that he passed on to others with effortless ease. He never realised how much nor how many people he touched in his own amazing way.
He was a source of comfort and joy to the elderly in a care home and a confidante when working in an addiction clinic. He was the teacher his pupils will always remember, a lifelong mentor and influence for his students, a friend that you never forget, your favourite Uncle and a beautiful and beloved brother and son. My twin.
It is hard to count how many people he helped during his brief time on this earth nor how many lives he enriched whilst being here. When I look up into the sky, I imagine each and every star that you see is someone waving in his direction saying thanks.
I do believe that this is the start of our Ste’s next journey in life. Whereas I generally went from A to B on my travels, he went from Z to A via G, arriving at B, then deciding to go to K … at which point he realised he actually wanted to go to J, via H.
Though I don’t know where he is, I do know he is in our hearts and that he is up there looking down on us. He can see us, and steer us and help us along the way much like he has done over the past 39 years we shared together. I just wish we could have done the same for him while we had the chance. But as I said, he always went his own way and I think he always knew he’d get to wherever he was going. This past week has proven that.
Remembrance
I told you earlier to think about my brother’s paintings and so, to everyone reading, I urge you this.
As time goes on, our memories of Ste will fade, his face will be harder to see when you shut your eyes, his voice will grow weaker if you listen and his actions will be less pronounced as you remember those moments. But it is not these things you should hold on to.
Instead you should grasp with both hands those emotions he made you feel. Those words he said which made you feel a million pounds, those feelings of inspiration he handed out to anyone who needed them and those times when you laughed so hard it hurt but you couldn’t remember why you were laughing in the first place.
Hold these close to your heart for it is these that are important. When you knew there was no-one else in the world you’d rather be with at that time nor was there anyone else who understood you more than he did. For I am certain that Ste felt exactly the same way at exactly the same time.
Those times when he shared a sandwich with you on a hill, when you were both blown over in the wind and rain or when you said nothing to each other for an hour whilst walking around a gallery. The sunsets you shared, the stories he told and the enthusiasm he gave so freely.
Think about Ste in the same way as he thought about his art. It’s not the here and now, it’s not the physical nor the reality, but the place that has no location, the feelings absent of thought and the happiness that knows no bounds. Those moments of connectedness with another human being are rare and should be savoured and cherished for as long as you can.
If you were not as lucky as I to know my brother I hope you can still take something from his life. Grasp those moments you have with your beloved for they are fleeting but know that the feelings are real and everlasting.
I love you Ste, my twin brother. You may have been one of life’s originals but we were both a twin to the other — and that can never be replaced. I will miss you forever and for whatever journey lies after that too.
With love from your ‘big’ twin brother (by 15 minutes!),
Andy, xox
