Fox News to Broadcast “The Heartless Candidate Games”
In a move to bolster sagging ratings, the Republican National Committee, in cooperation with Fox News, has announced a new format for the next Republican debate. Instead of standing at lecterns and answering questions by moderators, the candidates will participate in a series of challenges designed to test their character, imagination, endurance, toughness, and willingness to inflict pain on innocent civilians. To be billed as The Heartless Candidate Games, the next “debate” looks to combine elements of Survivor, UFC, The World’s Strongest Man Competition and the Jerry Springer Show.
Though plans for the telecast are not complete, some of the group challenges are expected to include:
1) Waterboarding a suspected terrorist to the brink of drowning;
2) Barring an orphaned Syrian infant from entering the country to join relatives;
3) Deporting “illegal” immigrant parents, but not their US born children;
4) Vetoing a bill that would extend veterans’ benefits;
5) Piloting a drone and pushing a button to incinerate a vehicle without knowing whether the occupants of the vehicle are terrorists or a family going to the country for a picnic;
6) Authorizing surveillance of houses of worship;
7) Designing a symbol to be placed on the clothing, homes and businesses of all Muslims; and
8) Forcing Mexican nationals to swim across the Rio Grande from the US to Mexico, while fully clothed and wearing work boots.
The live audience will be equipped with electronic devices to judge and rank the candidates. The judging will be based on a number of factors, including the decisiveness and ruthlessness of the candidate. Additional judging will be provided by a selected group of Fox News correspondents, who can also award extra credit for sneering, rude asides, unnecessary flourishes of additional cruelty, and gallows humor.
Each candidate will be fitted with a blood pressure cuff, as well as a heart monitor, to make sure that they are not, in fact, registering any emotional response to the pain they are causing or witnessing.
In addition to the group challenges, each candidate will be given an opportunity to demonstrate his or her heartlessness in a manner of their own choosing. Though many of the candidates are still deciding how to best showcase their heartlessness, representatives of some of the campaigns are beginning to leak possible ideas, and they promise to make for exciting viewing.
Apparently Ben Carson intends to perform a live compassionectomy on himself. Using a patented procedure, Dr. Carson will surgically remove any compassion from his mind, body, heart and (assuming he has one) soul. While it is hard to prove that Dr. Carson currently has any compassion, undergoing this procedure will guarantee that he has none.
It appears that Ted Cruz will volunteer to be given a live EKG to show that he does not, in fact, have a heart. While it has long been rumored that Mr. Cruz has no heart, this will give him an opportunity to unequivocally prove it on live TV.
According to sources in Carly Fiorina’s campaign, she has agreed to close a factory and fire thousands of workers with one phone call, while dining with donors on a private jet.
A spokesman for Marco Rubio has indicated that he would like to verbally harass and physically impede a woman who plans to abort a pregnancy caused by an incestuous rape.
The Chris Christie campaign is debating whether to reprise his famous bridge closing routine, or try something new. He is said to be considering dancing live on stage to Bruce Springsteen music in front of a slide show of devastated Syrian cities.
Jeb Bush will reportedly announce that, if elected, he would include Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Paul Wolfowitz in his administration. While it is unclear how this would prove Bush’s personal heartlessness, it does show that he would pursue a heartless foreign policy.
There has been no word yet from the Donald Trump campaign, but there are rumors that he has been working with engineers and weapons designers to develop a Death Star which he could use to obliterate a random third world country just to show how tough he is. He is also considering doing a series of demeaning imitations of people with various forms of disabilities.
Meanwhile, the Democratic National Committee will be closely monitoring the broadcast to consider whether it should promote a similar event. Hillary Clinton’s staff is studying the polls to decide whether she should aggressively compete for the heartless vote (for example, by highlighting her sluggish response to the attack on the embassy in Benghazi), or take the moral high ground, if she can find it.
The RNC and the various campaigns are rushing to put the finishing touches on the show so that it can be broadcast in time for Christmas, and advertising slots are apparently as costly as those for the Super Bowl.