Dear Instagram, Please Continue Ripping Off Snapchat

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Me on Snapchat

Hey Instagram! What’s up. It’s your buddy, Andy Boyle. You may know me from my photos of my face, my cat, food or the videos of me lifting heavy shit up and down.

I wanted to say thanks for ripping off the Snapchat Story thing. Like many of your users, I’m not a teenager. Snapchat makes me feel old AF. (See what I did there? I just wrote like ~the kids these days~ and it felt great.) It’s the first social network that’s truly made me realize I’m going to someday die. Unlike Facebook, which has assured me I will live forever.

Snapchat has never been my world to begin with. As far as I’m concerned, its only existed so people can send me videos at 1 a.m. of them at a party they didn’t invite me to. I’m 30 and my idea of partying on a Friday involves cheese and going to bed by 10 p.m. I know, I rule.

Which is why it’s awesome you’re doing that Snapchat Story thing now. I never understood filters. I literally didn’t even know how to make my face look like a dog until a month ago. My life is not interesting enough to document every 15 minutes in one to 10 second increments.

Not to mention, Snapchat’s interface has always annoyed the shit out of me. Wait, I swipe where to add friends? Someone is messaging me? How do I respond? I am so confused. This must be how my mom and dad felt when I tried to get them to play Nintendo 64’s Mario Kart with me.

Quick story: Somehow I became friends with a guy from college on Snapchat. We were music majors together. (Yeah, I once majored in music before journalism, I know, I have quite the interesting life.) He’s kind of a big deal. So when he started sending me videos of bong rips and pot smoke and screaming “FUCK THA POLICE” at cop cars, I was like, “Holy shit, this dude lives a wild life outside of being a music teacher!”

Then, months later, my friend posted a few videos of himself. It was not my college friend. It was some other guy. I figured out Snapchat must’ve added everyone from my phone (or maybe I did this on accident?), including this dude, who has the old phone number of my college buddy. Needless to say, I don’t know why he still sends me videos of him smoking weed, but every time he does, I still think it’s my buddy from college for a split second. Which is kind of awesome.

Anywho, now that you, Instagram, have allowed me to do Story things, I’m excited. I actually use Instagram. Your interface makes sense. I already have a community there. One that doesn’t seem to only involve people letting me know they’re doing cool things that I’m not doing. Since posting a few dumb videos last night, people I don’t know messaged me to tell me how cute my cat is. Nobody ever messaged me on Snapchat. They just continued to send videos of their perfectly curated lives. (I get it, I’m not cool.)

Instagram is for me. Snapchat has never been for me. Instagram is for everyone. Snapchat is for people who are cool and like to look at their phones every 30 seconds. Instagram makes things last, which I’m a fan of. Snapchat is for people who think their lives are worth documenting, but not interesting enough to keep as a permanent record.

So, from my fellow lamers who suck at Snapchat, I say thank you, Instagram. Please continue to rip them off. Hopefully soon you can make me my face look like a dog.

Your friend,

-Andy Boyle

Written by

Writer, website maker, person. First book coming summer 2017.

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