Why “stress” is not in my vocabulary

A PSA for those who will probably PTSD if they don’t calm down.

In elementary school I had a teacher named Mr. Markz. (why I still remember his name I do not know, but that’s a me problem). He taught gym, and as all elementary school gym teachers did, he taught kids that you should never give up. So he implemented this simple rule, “if you ever said the word ‘can’t’, you had to do three push-ups”. Now at the time I couldn’t do a lot of things in gym class (still can’t, but again, me problem), so I was often fucking up, saying the word, and doing push-ups. If you’re thinking that I’m going to relate this to the rest of this post then you’re sadly mistaken, because I’ve never been good at finessing that kind of stuff and I just wanted to share that I hated elementary gym.

But I digress, I don’t use the word stress because I feel like it doesn’t exist.

Now before all the pre-med, engineering, and pharmacy kids come over to ring my bell, let me explain myself.

Stress is one of those “things” I don’t like people saying all the time

“Oh Im so stressed out!”, “I’m feeling a lot of stress”, “I think I have a stress fracture”.

Wait maybe not the last one.

But honestly it’s one of those phrases people use as much as “self-esteem” or “suh-dude” and “cyber-bullying”

I still haven’t gotten to the point of why I don’t like the word “stress”.

The same way Tyler says that we could walk away from a computer screen is the same way we don’t have to put ourselves under so much pressure.

All throughout high school people told me they were juggling things like band, tennis, basketball, 4 AP classes and babysitting. Every time I asked why, I got the same answer “it looks good on my college resume”

Honestly I get it. Harvard won’t let you in unless you stay up late every night killing yourself over your work and being dedicated. But here’s my response to all this

Why? Why are you going to kill yourself over a college that only looks at you as a possibility to rake in donations after you become successful? So you can have even more “stress” in those 300 level classes and tear your hair out, and contemplate doing bad things to yourself, just to work a really good job that pays close to 6 digits and makes you not that miserable to a point where it’s all worth it? So you can get married and have children and realized you wasted the best 4 years of your life “stressing” over exam grades instead of having fun, so that you can live a decent (or maybe great, who knows? I’m an asshole not a fortune teller) life where you don’t have to scrape for pennies everyday for the rest of it.

I googled a typical family and this came up. But the guy doesn’t look very happy, I wonder why?

If that’s why then yeah “you do you” (I put that in quotations because it is a common phrase people around me like to use),I can’t control you. But do us who are around you a favor:

  1. Don’t complain about being stressed out all the time. No one likes a complainer, we have our own bullshit to worry about that no one cares about, your bullshit isn’t any more special.
  2. Don’t take it out on us. We aren’t the reason why you decided taking four impossible courses and having a clingy significant other was a great idea. So getting mad at me when I ask if you did the math homework when you were too busy doing other things….👀, is not my problem.
  3. Finally, don’t do anything stupid as a response of your stress. Self explanatory, control yourself, because blaming stress isn’t gonna explain to the cops why you ran over that old man after he flipped you off for honking at him for moving too slow (he was within the crosswalks so you’re in the wrong there).

I know this probably angered a few people, and I want to apologize for that. Because you guys are too sensitive for the truth. But I probably either made you want to drop that Chem class you’re probably gonna fail (fucking Prof. Marvasti) or realized that you have a clingy girlfriend/boyfriend that you should probably get rid of before it’s too late. Whatever it is I just want to say this:

If you’re overwhelmed drop a class, it’ll probably do you more good in the long run. Take a nap, party, laugh with that significant other that kept you from passing that math class, and most of all CALM THE HELL DOWN, nothing is that serious. We don’t HAVE to be stressed out. In the end, we choose the things we do, so doing to much, is our fault, and being “stressed out” is the same kind of excuse as me saying I “can’t” do a push-up in elementary gym (which resulted me in getting 3 more push-ups. Fucking Mr. Markz. Who spells their last name with a z anyway).

So I’m not telling you do drop everything and start being a hippie. I just want to say that in this shitty, wasteful hellhole we live in, the last thing we want to do is spend it bald, which is what happens if you have too much “stress.” And the only person that looks good bald, is Michael Jordan. And you my friend, are no Michael Jordan.

Another GOAT making a guest appearance! Wow!
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