How not to lose control
This is not a life lesson, I’m really tired of those.
I have been trying to be a better person. For a whole year I have been one. I read all those motivational posts, and ways to increase your productivity, and how not to get attached to people and to stuff, etc, etc. I think I have managed to get as close as I can to the person that I really want to be.
It felt good. It really did. Being able to control the outcomes of my life fell amazing, and look at all the stuff that I actually GOT done. I am an engineer now, for Christ’s sake! I never fully believed I would be one, even though I have been studying for that purpose for the last 7 (yes, seven) years.
Truth is, when you are not attached to anything, you get to logically choose what matters. For me, that was: my reading, my job, my other job, my writing, and the occasional booze (preferably with friends whom I trusted). All of that mattered, and it all had different weights in my life, so I could ponder the flux of actions in my hours, days, months. Everything was very well planned, thank you. If there was any evidence of excess, I could easily pinpoint it and get my life back on track.
Then, about four months ago, I had my first relapse. It all came together: frustration, jealousy, indifference. I came to a friend and told her a whole load of feelings about my personal life that I had been trying to ignore. How this girl friend kept pushing me away, how this other dude had been driving me nuts, and mostly how I had ghosted this really nice guy for reasons unknown. As I told her all that, I tried hard but could not cry.
My second relapse was when I tried to donate blood. Turns out I have very little tolerance with blood coming out of my body, and that day I cried like an angry baby.
Remember when I told you that having control of my life felt good? Well, losing it that day felt better. It felt relieving. It was like someone else was saying “oh, this life of yours, let me take care of that for you now”. But then, again, I got back on track. All was well.
But it did not go without me noticing how desperately I needed to lose control sometimes. How overwhelming this focused lifestyle can be, and that productivity sometimes is overrated. Nonetheless, I remained unchanged.
And now something changed, which made this urge to lose control come stronger. Along with an identity crisis that made me refuse to write about it on my blog (self-centered Ane’s blog), or even in Portuguese. I want to unlearn how to be productive. I want to cry about small stuff. To allow myself to feel afraid, or jealous, without necessarily having to learn something from it. To watch a movie without formerly reading the book that inspired it. To start eating a Kit Kat bar from the middle rows. You know, all this reckless stuff that impulsive people do. How do I do that?
I still have no idea. And I don’t think I am even in the right path, since in my mind, as I finish this post, I wonder how to insert “lose control” in my current flux of logic actions, in order to make the best of this moment without compromising my sanity. I’m insane.