#27: Perhaps, in 2016

I am a walking ball of pessimism, and it’s not cute or trendy.

A couple of days ago during a lunch hour on campus, I had walked into an empty room presenting a short but sweet keynote discussing the adverse effects of negativity. The first thing that came to mind was, well, this is me. I am negativity.

I had sat down as people gave me welcoming stares, and well, as if they knew why I decided to listen to a presentation even though I hadn’t been a part of that organization before.

It began by sounding scientific; formulaic. The presenter began by explaining technicalities like nerves, receptors, and all that fun stuff I can’t fully digest when I’m supposed to be on a break. I only managed to fully process the last phrase that came out of the presenter’s lips, “Negativity is not healthy. We begin to depend on it after a few encounters with it; it is dangerously addictive.”

‘Dangerously addictive’. Those words scared me because they defined me too accurately. They defined my affinity for negativity too well.

The year 2015 has been awfully overwhelming. The entire time, I’ve been generally exhausted and just straight to the point, sad. I thought I had the right to be sad since there were so many hits thrown at me, hits I wasn’t able to fully dodge. I became tired too fast, too often; I cried quicker and more spontaneously than ever before. I lost a lot people and gained a lot of new ones along the way. Amidst the chaos I was given flashes of hope and optimism, only for those flashes to end up teasing me rather than doing me any good down the line.

Then I realized, perhaps I just managed to normalize misery, because It had happened way too often, or because I got way too much intuition to write and draw from it. I’ve become so enamored with my own agony because it fueled my craft way too well.

I don’t think it would hurt to gradually decrease my daily pessimism intake. After all, being deemed toxic isn’t the nicest title to be had; and it’s not like looking at things in the brighter scope is a foreign idea to me. Maybe if I just attempted to stick with my optimism for longer than I usually do before giving up completely, that there is something to come out of it. Should I take medium levels of both the ultimate evil and good, I will find a sense of harmony, if not purpose.

Perhaps I can get rid of my many poisonous habits.

Perhaps I can alleviate anything grim that feels comfortable at the same time.

I will always fear the uncertainty, but perhaps, things will change.

Perhaps, this will all happen soon.

Perhaps, in 2016.

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