#9: On The Topic Of Your Silence

If you ever happen to stumble upon my writings, you would have probably noticed by now that I tend to blame you for everything that has happened to me thus far this year. You might be wondering why is it that I like pointing my fingers toward you for anything horrible that has occurred to me since you most likely don’t even have any idea what my tragedies are really about.

I mean, how ridiculous is it for me to blame you for my insomniac nights and hypersomniac mornings? How would you ever be the cause of the times I broke down because I feared of dying?

In figurative terms, no; it is not laughable to blame you for these.

This year has all been mostly grim for me and those that care for me, and vice versa… for love is a domino effect. I’ve had to endure pain with them, pain that will never compare to anything that’s physical; suffering that starts in the mind and starts to seep into the physical pain receptors of the body, almost killing you, if not for the devils in your brain easing up on you because ultimately you still had control over them.

Was it really grim, or did I just grow up and realize that the world isn’t as easygoing and carefree like I thought? it’s not like I got told to be and act like someone to the point that I can’t remember who I was prior.

Grim or not, you’re always to blame because you allowed me to trust you. You allowed me to assume that everything was going to be alright. After all, you were always proactive with indirectly ignoring problems and living life as if one were a child, without a care for consequences. You were the one who had the unhealthy affinity for keeping anything negative to yourself by locking your thoughts inside you, even if it meant doing more harm in the end.

I’m not saying that you should open the lock and throw away the key forever; for you can be equally disappointed with both being too open and too close. I’m saying that you should know when to stop putting on a facade and not telling me what goes on inside your head so I don’t go ahead supposing everything you want and every thought you might have.

I don’t even know if i still want you in my presence. It would have been way easier to pity for myself and say that this is all my fault, but you’ve really let me down. I don’t want to continue figuring out something that could have been shallow and empty all along. I can’t lock someone inside my heart if they’ve locked themselves in their own minds for everyone to be left guessing.