Childbirth: The control game

The hubs and I recently started childbirth classes, and I swear it’s the most fun I’ve had in a classroom.

I’m fascinated with the whole labor and delivery process, and I can’t take in all this information fast enough. How did I not get into nursing?

Wait a minute. I hate studying, that’s why.

Jake seems to be enjoying the classes, too, considering he fell asleep during a measly 10-minute meditation lesson, while I had to pee so badly, I could barely sit still, let alone focus on my breath. That, and he was practically snoring. How do guys do that so fast?

At least my husband wasn’t the dude who asked last week, “If labor really lasts as many hours as you say, what about us guys? Can we leave to get food, or will they bring us any food?”

Wow. I guess Jake’s snoring isn’t so obnoxious.

The more we learn, the more adamant I am about what I do and do not want for my labor process, and I’m surprising myself at how important this experience is to me. I’ve always been enamored with other women’s labor stories, wondering how my baby will come into this world, but I don’t think I realized how much I want to be “involved.” Maybe I know too much, maybe I’ve matured, maybe I want to embrace this pregnancy till the very end with all my might, but a birth plan is important to me, and I’m disappointed at how many people have either laughed at me, rolled their eyes or given me the classic, “just wait till you’re in labor, you’ll change your mind” guffaw. Maybe they’re right, but what is wrong with having an opinion about how I give birth? In the end, I want my babe to be safe, and I’ll venture down any avenue my doctor suggests we take to achieve that, but going in, I will have my desires noted, and I don’t think that’s high-maintenance. I think it makes me feel less scared, more educated and safer in an unfamiliar environment. There’ll be machines, needles, big words and surprises. With all that tension, allow me the peace of control, so much as I can keep hold of it.

Maybe that’s where my peace in pregnancy lies as well. I enjoy this so much because even though this is all new to me and is scary sometimes, and even though I know I’m not in complete control and I worry for my baby every day, I take hold of what I can control, and I’ve immersed myself in that role. By eating right, working out and taking care of myself, I feel safer in this pregnancy and in the belief that I’m doing the best for my baby. Yes, anything could happen at any time, but I’m doing the best I can, every day, and that peace sustains me as my final trimester looms (gulp). Isn’t that what labor is about, too? Doing our best under unfamiliar circumstances to give our babes a peaceful entrance into the world?

Oddly, none of it even matters in the end. Whether I endure a 48-hour labor or barely make it to the hospital in time, this baby is still going to change my life forever and ever.

And then I’m really not in charge anymore.