Chivalry, Oppression, and Bus Etiquette
The last thing I need at the end of a long day is to be shamed on the bus for not accepting a “Chivalrous” gesture from a man. It’s my right to say no. Otherwise the chivalrous act becomes my oppression. I’m forced to curb my desires to make a man feel good about himself.
I appreciate having a door held for me or an offer of a seat, but my choice to accept the gesture should not provoke spite. If you’re being nice or polite, it shouldn’t be conditional. I’ve crossed a street when a driver stopped and waited for me to cross, but got impatient when I didn’t hurry. I have bad ankles and knees, and I can’t do these sudden sprints, so I opt to let the driver pass first and not have to wait for me. For some peculiar reason, that annoys a lot of drivers. Are they compiling a “This is Why I Hate Pedestrians” checklist? Have they just added, “We try to give them the right of way, they don’t accept it.”?
The act of not accepting what they perceive as kindness and going out
of their way for someone else, fills them with disdain. Is the denial of imaginary “goodness points” causing them anger? Why else would they care? If I threw a rock or gave them the finger, I’d understand their anger, but I didn’t, so what gives?
The idea of all this crossed my mind after today’s bus ride turned into
similar WTF.
I’d taken a quick bus ride south (because my ankle and knees were acting up) which put me within in walking distance of my building. But why walk four blocks in pain when I have an unlimited ride bus pass? I waited for a westbound bus. I figured the bus would be crowded during rush hour, and since I was only going two stops, I wanted to stay close to the door. Why go to the middle of the bus and a minute later have to come back to the front, aggravating the people I’m trying to get past twice? I had a better idea:
I’ll be the last person to enter the bus, stay close to the door, then exit without a hassle in two stops. I pride myself on being a good problem solver, so I mentally high fived myself.
So, I was hanging back in the bus queue, listening to a podcast with my earbuds in. Suddenly I noticed one guy had stopped the progression and was gesturing for me to go ahead. I took out my earbuds, confused at first, but I soon realized I was the only woman at this stop and these guys were trying to let me get on the bus first. I thought, “Oh no, this will ruin my plan to easily get back off the bus.” Trying to get my plan back on track, I declined the offer saying, “It’s okay, I’m not going that far, you go ahead.”
Somehow, in the bus stop confusion, despite my best efforts, I wasn’t the last one to board. Still trying not to end up in the middle of the bus, I saw there were people standing even though a few seats were available. That would’ve been great on a longer trip when I’d love to sit. This time, I still needed to return to the front door quick. My plan flew out the window, walked home without me, and revoked my aforementioned high five.
As I waited for the last guy to get past the farebox, I realized he was having a conversation with the bus driver and they both sounded disgruntled. The driver, who was a woman, said something like, “See what happened there? He was trying to be nice to a lady…” and the guy added something like, “Uh huh, and he didn’t have to…” and they criticized my actions like they didn’t care that I could hear them.
I felt indignant about this, so I spoke up to explain what happened. “I was only going two stops, so I didn’t want to get stuck in the middle of the bus.”
Apparently the bus driver and others weren’t having any of that. They obviously needed to continue their commentary. I heard the driver reply, “Sometimes you have to let them be chivalrous so they act right. You just have to let them.” I also heard some other guy say, slightly jokingly, “Grinch”.
As quick as I’d expected, I was at my stop. I exited the bus feeling annoyed and offended. I didn’t have time to further explain to these strangers my point of view. Furthermore, implying that I needed to inconvenience myself, that I needed to positively reinforce a man’s good behavior lest he decide to be a jerk to every woman who came after me, this was so ludicrous, it left me fuming. It reminded me of men telling women to smile. If you don’t smile, guys act like you’re being bitchy. Why must I smile if I don’t feel like smiling? I’ve never seen them tell another man to smile, even if they look grumpy.
My plan to enter and exit the bus without annoying people was preempted. Now I’m stuck with the “Don’t hurt men’s feelings when they are being polite or you will suffer public ridicule” show. I really hate that show and want it cancelled. So, because I feel the need for a public service announcement, here’s what it should say:
“Making acts of kindness conditional, takes away their worth. They shouldn’t be on a global point system. If you perceive one person, in one instance, to not be appreciative of your kindness, you should not deny others based upon that one situation. Recognize that a person declining something you offer, does not give you license to be rude.”
Finding excuses not to be kind is unkind.
