Emptying my Time Capsule.
Definition; A time capsule is a collection of objects put together to preserve the memory of a place, experience or group of people at one point in time.
I had a box. A red box with my name printed on the inside of the box in gold. It was white on the inside but red outside and it was made of cardboard. Inside this box, I kept the little things that I had collected. I considered this my time capsule. The concept of a time capsule is that you bury it in your compound for someone to find it or for your future self to find it at a certain point but I never did that. I kept it in my room where I would open it and look at whatever was inside from time to time. That’s how much I loved this box. (Any accusations of me being a hoarder are not welcome here, I don’t know what that is please.) So before I got this box, I had an old suitcase that had little notes that people had sent me during the school term and it became a habit to empty my pencil case with all the notes I had received during the school term into the suitcase. The good notes, the useful notes, and the ones with that high school drama tea. Yes, I had all the evidence. Anyway, that suitcase got lost as we shifted from one house to another until I got my red box.
I received this box as a gift from my mother on my birthday and it had two metallic tins with chocolates inside of them, a golden pen and a silver bracelet with a blue butterfly all of which I still have and because I loved the box and the items that came inside the box I decided to make that my box. My red box. So my next birthday when I received sticky notes and little gifts, I went home and put them all in the box. Even when my journals were full, I would put them in the box, keeping in mind this is not a huge box. It was just slightly bigger than a shoe box. In the beginning, it was cute, I loved the idea. It had a lot of potential but thennn I wanted to put everything in the box. I put my old devotionals, my success cards, and empty candle jars but only those that I liked and it got so full that it couldn’t even close. Everything that I didn’t want to throw away immediately went into the box. All the things that I wanted to hold onto for just a little longer went into that same box and when I looked at it, I loved it even when some people considered it rubbish. It was my red box.
I went home recently and while I was unpacking, I noticed that the box wasn’t in its designated place. It was missing. It had to be misplaced right? Surely.
Turns out that someone removed all the items from the box and took the box because they needed it for their school project and then some of the items in the box were thrown as rubbish. Others were placed in a drawer. I wanted to argue but then I realized that I wasn’t even angry or shocked, to be honest. Some of that was rubbish, I agree and eventually, I had to throw some of it away to make room for the other things that I wanted. I had to let some things go.
I like many things. I like the weirdest things and most times I attach so much meaning to little things. I guess it is because it is my way of not moving on or not forgetting memories and things that meant a lot to me. I will keep a specific success card because I got it when I really thought I was going to fail and keep a note from my mum because when I received it, it was so unexpected and at that moment it was my lifeline. So when I keep all these things together it is some sort of reminder that life hasn’t been bad, you know. That at a certain point in time, this candle jar was what gave me joy but time passes and these things lose value or I change and they do not mean as much to me as I would like them to and I still decide to hold on to them because I can not throw them out. I really can’t. In fact if it was up to me, that red box would still be full. Finding the box gone was something I needed to see. All of a sudden, things that I thought were special just looked like rubbish and were just occupying space. I really didn’t need some of them anymore.
In that moment, I was reminded of one thing, holding onto to things even when it’s time to let go just weighs you down. Holding onto relationships or holding on to friends weighs you down. You can do as much as you can and try as much as you can to hold onto specific things or to specific people but at the end of the day, you know. You know that this relationship expired a while back and this friendship is not a friendship anymore. Deep down we always know. I think by holding on we’re kind of living in denial. Trying to go back to the way things were and trying to bring back the joy that we felt. But all those moments we experienced and the joy that we felt turned into memories and unfortunately we no longer exist in the past but in the present. It’s a bittersweet feeling. You can not make room for something if you are still holding on to something else. Don’t get me wrong though, letting go of things and people doesn’t mean we’re throwing them away. Not all the time. I acknowledge the value that this person had in my life at a certain point and I know for a fact that I enjoyed reading these sticky notes from Jane, Susan and Mary for sureeeeee but I am a different person now. Whatever it is that I am trying to hold on to does not serve me any purpose right now apart from dead weight.
A part of me feels like this is a very selfish way of living, only holding on to people or things for my benefit and removing things I don’t need anymore but the other part knows that I can only take on so much. Life is a journey. Life is like rice, you know and as cliche as it sounds, we only have one life. If I only have one life, why should I suffer? Why should I waste my time holding on to things when I could be making room for other things and experiencing that too. I think that our memory cards never fill up till we die. We can always remember these people and the relationships we once had and they can still mean something to us even when we are no longer in them. For starters staying in a situation with another person when you know its time to let go only brings resentment. You are prolonging the inevitable. Why not leave now, with the few memories before the good turns into rubbish and then everything good that you shared before turns bad.
In some way, I feel lighter. I came back to my room and threw away everything else that I didn’t need and I feel lighter. My red box got full but my heart will never be full, there is more happiness to come and more joy to experience and more memories to be made.
In the end, it is what it is.
