My second journal (for the 2nd quarter):

Clenching my inner thoughts

“Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I’m found. Was blind but now I see” — Broken Vessels (Kari Jobe)

Broken Vessels. I love that song. The lyrics are amazing. It reminds me that I’m saved. God saved me. I’m a wretch but still, He saved me. I’m broken but still, He mends my broken heart. I’m a sinner but still, He accepted me. I was blind, He opened my eyes. I was lost and He showed me the way. He doesn’t judge me. He loves me unconditionally. He understands me. For all these years, never has He left me alone. I owe Him a lot. I couldn’t be more proud to call Him my God. My Everything.

“The key to your better future is yourself” — Jim Rhode

It’s “Career Guidance Week”. This week has been a week full of talking about the future. Even though there’s been a lot of explanations about how we’re gonna decide for our future, I’m still undecided. I mean, I seriously don’t know what to chose. How do I deal with this dilemma? What if I’m not really into Architecture? I mean, yah, I like designing perspectives of houses and all but do I love it? I’m not so sure. When Ma’am Josine made us listen to the song “breakaway”, I had flashbacks of when I was younger. Okay enough of that. Let’s talk about the hour before our dismissal during Wednesday. We had this sort of activity during our homeroom period. It’s called the Holland game(?). It will show you the jobs that you would be interested in or the jobs where you’ll probably fit in. The jobs I saw (or at least what I think I saw) that I would probably be interested in are: Interior designer, English teacher, Drama coach, etc. I got the Holland code, “ESA”. It’s a Holland code thing that will tell you the job that you probably desire. (Just look it up. I don’t wanna be too technical). When Ma’am Josine (our school’s guidance councilor. Just in case you forgot) asked who got the “English Teacher”, I raised my hand. She looked at me with “the face”. There’s no need for contemplating her look. That “face” is between the both of us. You don’t need to know.

Last Wednesday, a group of ministry came to visit our school. One of them was a Spaniard. They talked about how to become a saint and about how you enter the religious life. They also talked about how you can strengthen your relationship with God. You need three pillars. These pillars are: Prayer, Holy Eucharist, Gospel. Then they discussed about how you can help others through your profession. Moving on, let’s talk about the part when they told us to write something on a small piece of paper. They told us that it should be coming from the heart. It was really funny because one paper wasn’t enough for me. When I asked for another one, some of them looked at me. When Ma’am Nurse was asking us if we were all finished, they were all like, “Yes” then I was like, raising my hand like, “Umm, I-I need another paper please”. They were laughing. Can you blame them? Even I was laughing! After writing, we were divided into three groups. Tita Leonor (one of the members of the ministry group) was assigned to guide us. After she shared some stuff, the members of our group told me to share. At first I hesitated because I didn’t wanna share. I knew I would burst into tears. But they insisted. Besides, Gabby said even her classmates know about my case. How could I say no? I haven’t even started when I went emotional. When I did, I went so emotional that I couldn’t stop keeping my feelings locked up inside. It was like pain stabbing through your heart. It was hard to utter the excruciating words that reminds me of how afraid I am. I haven’t been able to talk about my anxiety like that for a long span of time. I’ve been keeping it inside for so long. Pain has been saving up inside me, not knowing how to let out without crying. Is it really that heavy? I’ve been carrying it this whole time. I’ve been so fed up carrying it. I wanna put it all down but I’m afraid I’ll explode. I’m afraid everyone might judge me. I don’t know how I’ll put it down easily. Probably because there is no easy way I can put it down.

Yesterday, which is Thursday, we had a practice for the Musikabataan (it’s the name of our choir). It’s been weeks yet I still have a hoarse voice. Still, I practiced for the sake of serving God. After our choir practice, I was startled when Ma’am Liz wanted to talk to me about how I was feeling. I told her I don’t wanna talk about it because I might get all emotional again. But she insisted. So I did as I was told. Just as I thought. I did cry. Ugh. She listened to me before she gave comments. It’s really good when someone takes the time to listen to you. It felt really good when she took the time to listen.

A while ago was really hard for me during our activity in school. I wasn’t feeling well. Don’t ask. Anywho, I’m having trouble thinking of a present for someone in particular. I don’t even know if she will accept whatever I might give her. Will she? Or will it just be another awkward situation? I miss talking to her. She seems to have a lot going on in her mind. She needs relaxation. I hope she’s okay.

“I’ll spread my wings and I learn how to fly. I’ll do what it takes ‘till I touch the sky and I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway” — Breakaway (Kelly Clarkson)