My seventh journal: Indecisive about directions

Have you ever felt like for every decision you make can be the possible cause of your death? Well, for every decision I make, I always feel like I would tremble if I pick the wrong one. Ever since I was younger, I’ve always known which way to go or learn how to go with the flow. Now, the paths to take are mostly covered by fog. My mind is unstable, my eyesight’s poor, how am I supposed to choose?!

Monday didn’t go well. It was dreary. Last Tuesday, our class went to the science lab to check the grade 10's art exhibit and rate them. All of their works were creative. I saw that all of them had something they really wanna express. What made me feel sad about that time was when I smelled something bad. It’s almost as if something died in there. I followed the scent. I found out that something DID die. It was the smell of those poor dead frogs inside a cabinet. I was startled. I thought they would let those frogs go after we dissected the other ones. How could they…….I should’ve freed them when I had the chance. It was horrid. Looking at those frogs just made me feel angry at myself. I had the chance to let them go, but why didn’t I?

Wednesday? It was in between gruesome and somehow alright. It was gruesome during the afternoon. 2:00pm to be exact. Why? I’ll tell you why: I threw up. I threw up! Ugh! I felt disgusted and mad at the same time. It wasn’t much though. Still, it felt gross. Ugh! That burning feeling in your throat. I went back to the room to get my personal hygiene kit. I brushed my teeth after. “One of the advantages of bringing a personal hygiene kit in school”. I guess, I threw up because I was so nervous. You know that feeling when you’re nervous: Like, your stomach is turning, your heart’s palpitating, you’re having a hard time catching your breath, and there’s too much air inside your head? Then, all the sudden, you feel like falling down. It’s one of the worst feelings you can have.

After our classes, we had a meeting for the officers in our room. It was irritating. I was itching to get out of our classroom. The grade 10 officers came in our room to discuss something with our class adviser. My classmates were really noisy. They sounded like the screeching notes of a guitar. It’s like, it’s been a year before they all simmer down. All I wanted was a time for peace and silence. Is that too much to ask? I’m not mad at them. I was just extremely annoyed that time because I was in a hurry.

Then we had a meeting for the SCB. Kuya Kirk, Markeith, Gia and I were the ones who attended. It was somewhat horrible and a smidge of whatever. (I’m sorry I literally have no idea how to describe that “whatever” feeling I was talking about). Kuya Kirk was a little funny. He seems like a really interesting guy. I’m curious about him. I don’t know why. It’s like there’s something in his story that I wanna know. I was actually feeling nauseous that time. I was just trying to be a little cheerful. Did it work? I don’t know. The only thing I can actually focus my mind on was the curtains. I can’t stop looking at them. There was just something about those curtains. The way it flows. I felt awful. I felt distressed. Ugh! Everything is out of balance.

Thursday? It was nothing. Nothing special. It was a little plain. There’s nothing much to say, really. Now, let’s talk about Friday, which is today. A while ago at school was partly fun but things changed at exactly 5:00pm. It was horrible. Gruesome rather. Ugh! Anxiety broke down my door! It didn’t even try knocking! That savage! It kept hitting me. It was viciously attacking me with its sharp knife. My wounds were like stars. Uncountable. I mean, I still have the wounds that it gave me for past years, which are now scars. Why is it doing this?! It never stops until it’s satisfied! Why doesn’t it ever leave me alone?

I don’t wanna live with it anymore. It sickens me. Why don’t you just hang me from a tree or something. Or make me eat green peas for the rest of my life. Life’s not that tasty with it anyway! Is this the obstacle I was designated to have or is it just a distraction on my path? I’m not so sure what path to take anymore. There are so many yet it seems like I only have one option. This is not a dream, it’s a nightmare. No, it’s not a nightmare. It’s reality. I have lost my way. I’m puzzled. My life is like a maze right now. You never know which way to take. It’s about trust or instinct. I’m terrified because I don’t trust myself. I’m afraid I might make another mistake. You make one mistake then everybody judges you because of it. Ugh! Will I ever get out of this maze?! That’s a question I couldn’t answer. A lot of people think I’m weird. They got that right. Sometimes I can control my dreams. Sometimes I can rewind them. Yah, I know what you’re thinking. I’m crazy. Please get me out of this place…….

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