My tenth journal: What is my calling?

I often wonder, “what has God planned for me?”. What is my mission? I’ve always thought it would be more like, helping others with their social problems. But can it be? I mean, I, myself, needs help with my social problems. I need help in my psychological thinking. I find it hard controlling my mind. Do I really want Architecture as my course? I mean I love designing structures of houses and all but can I handle the computations? I’m not even good at math. So, accounting is probably out of the question. Interior designing? Not really. Psychology? It’s a possibility. I mean that is also what I want right? Helping others with their ability to think wisely and solve their mental problems in a proper way. However, I should be able to solve my own problem first. I can’t be a psychologist if I need a psychologist myself. I’m not kidding. My cousin said that.

“What if I choose to be a psychologist?”, I asked myself

“You need a psychologist yourself”, she said then laughed.

She’s not wrong though. No, seriously, I do need one. My aunt is a professional when it comes in helping people with “post traumatic stress”, she said I need help from a professional. Like I said, not kidding. If I survive this horrifying world of anxiety, I wanna be able to help others with their own case.

Painting? Nah, not good in arts. I just like designing but I’m not really good in drawing. If only I could copy the pictures inside my head then paste it on a canvas, I would. Culinary? Not good in cooking. I mean, I like plating desserts but I’m definitely not good in cooking. Hotel Manager? Well, when I was younger, I’ve had the thought of being a hotel manager in famous hotels because of how I loved them. I’m not so sure now. Probably not anymore. I haven’t been inside a hotel for such a long time. Besides, from the moment I had my anxiety, I haven’t been a big fan of buildings that destroys the nature of mother earth. I’ve planted a seed of wrath inside my heart. Why didn’t we just adopt the idea of the water-powered car? Because the oil companies would lose money? I’ve heard somewhere (probably in National Geographic Channel) , some people are planning on solar-powered electricity through the use of solar paneled roads. That would be pretty cool.

Journalism? I guess. I’ve always loved writing stories. Perhaps it’s because it’s my way of communicating to people. Showing them what is right or wrong. It’s one of my ways of being an example. I just love writing stories with moral lessons. I love putting things into perspective through the creativity of writing. Many of my family said that I have a very powerful imagination. My imagination runs wild. It’s why I’m having trouble controlling it most of the time. Specially when I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack or whenever I’m afraid. I suddenly imagine these pictures that I couldn’t erase. I find it hard to delete them. It’s the reason why I find “complete focus” very difficult. It’s like what I said before, “My imagination makes my anxiety worse than it already is”. Many people are having trouble comprehending me. Many people say I’m weird. Many people say I’m crazy. Is it a good thing?

Veterinarian? I had that in mind when I was younger because of how I love helping animals. However, I’m not good in science. I might go from helping them to hurting them. Which is why I won’t try. Preacher? I guess I can give it a chance because of how I love spreading the word of God. Being a famous Celebrity? I don’t know. But ever since I was younger, until now, I still love acting. I still love singing. It can be my way of showing a good example. You know what they say, Social Media is a powerful way of making the world hear your voice.

I guess I still have a lot on my list like, Lawyering. Because I wanna help fight for the truth. However, I’m not sure if I’m good at giving proof. What is my calling? What does God want from me. What will be my service to others (in the future) that will be a way of serving Him. I wanna be His instrument for His voice.

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