“Uphill”

Angel Cruz
Aug 26, 2017 · 3 min read

“Don’t give up though the pace seems slow — you may succeed with another blow”

— Don’t You Quit, An Inspirational Poem

My heart, my mind and body are tired — I’m tired. As the rain pours, the lightning strikes and the thunder roars, my thoughts run through my head like cheetahs chasing after their prey. Like wildfire burning the savanna grass. Like a flock of lost birds flying around the sky. I’m like a lost girl, in the woods, having no idea where to go. Like a person staring down the cliff. For the past days, nature wasn’t completely friendly with me — the weather was dreary. I was hysterical, specially when my mom had to buy something from the market and left me inside the car. Not only was it rainy that time but it was also windy. I found myself hyperventilating and my heart palpitating. Just when I wasn’t able to resist the pain, I screamed. It was drafty. I couldn’t calm myself down. I felt nauseous. Like my mind was running out of air and my heart, beating out of my chest. I was covering my ears while helplessly screaming. Crying out to God to make it stop, clenching the Rosary. When I closed my eyes, it just made things worse. When my mom returned, still I could not stop panicking. She was really pissed. So I did what I usually do — I pressed the pillow against my face, holding onto the rosary, praying to cease the suffering. I still found it hard to breathe properly.

As soon as I got home, I kept pondering on what happened, trying to fix myself back again. Trying to solve the puzzle however there’s this missing piece. I have all the answers on how to resolve this but somehow, I lose myself during that excruciating event. Like I said before, it’s like studying for a test and when you’re actually being tested, everything becomes a blur. I was in a bad mood the whole week. There’s this time when I was doing the dishes and I had to wash a knife — I was mesmerized. It was like there’s this devil tempting me into doing something wrong. “Do it, do it. It’s better this way. You can stop the pain. It’s a win-win for everybody. You won’t have to suffer anymore and they won’t have to complain and get involved with your bullshit”, she said. Everyone has a demon inside them and also an angel. That time, I was listening to the whispers of my demon. I was velvety feeling the shank of the knife. But my conscience [angel] got in the way and told me it was wrong. I couldn’t do it or perhaps I just wouldn’t. It was so wrong — so very wrong. I just tried to think of other things that can make my image of life brighter. I set aside the bad events that happened throughout my journey and thought of the moments that made life worth living. Even simple things that put a smile on my face. Like my encounters of beautiful sunsets — how the grass was green, how the sky was painted in pale colors, pink, purple, yellow and orange that sets the the sky into ablaze. Like my good times with my friends and families. Like seeing the grinned faces of my loved-ones. Like sleeping with my old cat. Like my favorite time of the year, Christmas. Those times when even words can’t describe how blissful you are.

“It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit”

— Don’t You Quit, An Inspirational Poem

When the devil calls, learn to decline. I told myself that day that I would start reading the “Don’t You Quit” and the “Optimist Creed” every night before I go to bed. Life is like climbing a rugged, steep mountain. You will struggle on your way up but once you are at the peak and you see the view — how far you’ve come — you will realize it was worth it.

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    Angel Cruz

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