The unmentionables – the things no one mentions when you become a mother…

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It would appear that as of the moment you announce you’re pregnant, you become something of an ”advising well” to whoever you come across. Whether it’s the friendly cashier at the local supermarket, your neighbour, your dog walker, your husband’s ex-wife’s new husband or your close family and friends; they all feel compelled to throw their two cents in with respect to pregnancy, labour, child rearing, keeping the spark alive and bouncing back into shape.

Basically, almost every conversation seems to takes a sharp turn away from Pleasantry Ville and instead head straight for Cringe Town: ”Oh hiiii, how are YOU and how’s that BUUUMP coming along? You given much thought to when you think you’ll be having sex again after delivery? And speaking of delivery, you absolutely, positively MUST have a natural birth. Giving birth to little Guava was just the most wonderful and breathtaking moment of gratitude I have ever had… Don’t you DARE miss out on that!!”

Those are the TOO-MENTIONED. Nothing like a bit of pregnancy to spice up the conversation…

Then there are the NEVER-MENTIONED; the things that people, for whatever reason, don’t tell you. Like that your life will change forever but that it will also forever change as your baby develops. It has taken Mommy a few months to catch on to this one, but she’s slowly realizing that nothing will ever remain the same for very long. Not even the sleepless nights.

To put it in Mommy-friendly terms: It’s kind of like with fashion; behind every flared jeans or onesie nightmare, there’s a sexy LBD just round the corner. Or also a harem pant / fanny pack terror – should you be so unlucky as to overlap one bad baby phase with another…

Lastly, there’s the UNMENTIONABLES. And I’m not talking so much Agent Provocateur as Victoria’s Dirty Little Secret. This is the stuff that’s so hair-raising even the conversational bulldozers portrayed under the ”too-mentioned” steer clear of. The unmentionables include incontinence issues – however not the innocent bladder control problems, mind you, but rather the hardcore fecal one. Yup that’s right. Mommies everywhere are literally sh*tting themselves but NO ONE is volunteering THAT as the next icebreaker. How do I know? Well, let’s just say that I’ve been peering over Mommy’s shoulder as she’s been putting Google to the test…

Other unmentionables include mommies sh*tting themselves for emotional reasons. Like; ”OMG,WTF have we done?!! Is there a return policy on this little bundle of screams…!?”

And whilst it’s understandable that you may not want to discuss the first unmentionable all too loud, having mixed feelings about the whole baby thing is pretty harmless. I mean, it’s not like we babies care. Just keep feeding us and showing us some love and we’re as happy as we can be. And whilst you in the first few weeks or months might question the joys of child rearing, it takes a lot more than a couple of hissy fits and sleep-deprivation-fuelled rants for us to wish we were born to another mommy.
So, relax. We won’t hold it against you and we can even go as far as to sympathise with the lax bowel movement regiment…

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