So it’s the 4th of January 2016.
I hope everyone had a great New Years!
So I’ve been thinking and questioning my existence a lot, trying to figure out my purpose on earth and what I am meant to fulfil. Is life a lesson and do we each learn the same lesson? What is in store for me?
I was slightly optimistic for this year. I told myself I would really concentrate on my education, go to my lectures and seminars and just really focus. It’s not going to be easy though.
Last year wasn’t a good one in terms of my mental health but I ‘was’ determined to fix that and try to help myself for the comfort of my future self and others around me. Now I am not sure if I can.
Compared to the last two months of 2015 I am eating more, have more of an appetite and my sleeping pattern has gotten a bit better, due to my medication. But my overall wellbeing fluctuates from being moderately okay to feeling very very VERY shit. I cannot control these moods and it is slowly destroying me.
I feel pain and hurt inside my heart. I feel like distancing myself from everyone around me. I am growing colder and more heartless thus making it harder for me to open up to new people. I just want to be left alone.
At the same time…I just want to feel loved. Comforted, and especially a feeling of belonging.
For the past 3 years there has not been a time where I haven’t felt like I truly belong. The way I feel does not correlate to how others feel about their own life. I am a wasted being, accidentally created like an experiment gone wrong in a science lab.
Maybe I am overthinking, actually I am overthinking but I can’t help it.
I think I need new scenery. Something new and exciting in my life because right now life is unbearable.
This year is looking like a repeat of last year and I really, really don’t want that.
Well to the next post! Take care xx