The Six Second Kiss
And Other Rituals of Connection
When did you last get a really good long kiss? If you are dating or in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, you will most likely be experiencing lots of kissing. If you are in a later state of your relationship and you haven’t kept up the kissing, you might miss out on an essential connection ritual which has lots of health benefits.
Kissing releases oxytocin and dopamine. Oxytocin makes you feel a sense of comfort and belonging and dopamine activates your brain’s reward center. Kissing can also reduce the stress hormone cortisol. Therefore it lowers your blood pressure and reduces anxiety.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman recommend to share at least one kiss every day that lasts six seconds or more. Why six seconds? Because that requires us to be present and it’s long enough to feel the romantic connection and bond with your partner.
“A six-second kiss is a kiss with potential.
It’s a kiss worth coming home to.”
(John Gottman)
The six second kiss is a beautiful ritual of connection for a couple. Our relationships need rituals. We all have many rituals with children, we have family rituals, especially around holidays, we have religious rituals, for example around death. They provide guidance on how to act and interact in a given situation. They give meaning to an experience which is often still remembered many years later, like a birthday celebration, or the annual family vacation, or the lullaby that was sung to us throughout childhood.
Rituals provide a container for an experience of an emotional connection. Rituals give us predictability, something to look forward to; they are anchors in a fast moving and often unpredictable world. Even smaller rituals help us to be emotionally connected with one or more other people. They give us a sense of belonging and they make our relationships stronger.
Something done without intention is not a ritual, yet the same thing done with intention can become a ritual. Watching TV is not a ritual, yet, having a pizza and movie night every Friday with the kids and taking turns picking a movie is done with the intention to connect and have fun as a family. Taking a class to learn a new language or new skill like photography, or to improve your cooking or dancing skills is not a ritual, but making the conscious choice to take one class a year together as a couple can be a couple ritual to create shared memories of learning and fun.
All couples, no matter at what stage their relationship is in, need rituals. Dan and Bonita are living a long distance relationship, including a significant time difference. Rituals of connection are what help them to get through this period in their life. They text, facetime or skype every day to connect. They make sure they say good night and good morning to each other. Each time they have managed to visit each other, they make a plan for the next time they will see each other in person. Each of these rituals are intentional to provide safety and milestones for them moving forward.
Stan and Jane are newly married and are developing their own rituals. They have very different schedules. He works from 9–5, she from 3–9. When she is done working, the day is over. They are making the very conscious choice to start and end the day together. Having breakfast together and talking in the morning, as well as ending the day cuddling together, are two important anchors for them. Their morning and evening routine frames their day and allows them to be focused on work, knowing when they will touch base with each other again.
Daniel and Gabriela just had their first child. In order to stay connected, they maintain every Friday night as date night. They are also developing family rituals with their son. The family rituals create a stronger connection with their child, and the alone time allows them not to lose the sense of themselves as a couple and their romantic bond.
Walter and Fran are alone. Their kids have grown up. One of their rituals is to go to the market every Saturday morning and to then cook together. In the afternoon, they work around the house and on Saturday night they go out with friends or by themselves. Their rituals have helped them to refocus from being parents onto their special couples relationship.
What rituals do you have or would you like to create?
Contact Angelika for individual coaching sessions or couples’ sessions.