How I knew it was Love

Mills and Boon taught me that to know you are in love, there will be butterflies in your belly. You will see them and begin to shiver. When they are far away, you cannot breathe, and when they are near, their smell fills your senses. It taught me that my heart must beat for this person, and like Saul on the way to Damascus, I will know I have encountered something. Romantic movies went ahead to fuel my delusion, where I thought I just needed to exist while someone came to love me. ‘You need not teach them; they will know how to take care of you’.

I went ahead with the information I had. It had to be according to the books in which it was written. What I have heard and seen must manifest in that way.

I fell hard for the people I had ‘chemistry’ with. You won’t blame me; attraction was high on my list. And how will I know there is chemistry? When I walk through the staircase and clumsily bump into a hard surface, and as I bend over to pick my books, a pair of solid hands with pulsating veins on a half-sleeved shirt, brushes through my slender fingers as he picks up the same thing. My face will slowly tilt up, and I will be faced with a tall, dark, sturdy man whose eyes glisten and whose cheeks curve into a mischievous smile. Then, my belly will tighten into knots as I begin to wonder from what planet this demi-god emerged.

THAT, my dear, is chemistry.

I hate my imagination. How on earth did I think this would happen to a Mbaise girl like me? One whose wickedness goes ahead of her. Lol. Anyway, it never happened as I imagined. In fact, my experiences were on the extreme end of my imagination.

I recall when I started hanging out with Emmanuel. Emmanuel had the bad boy look, and I thought I could change him. In fact, I loved that I was the one thinking straight in the relationship. It made me feel responsible for him. Lol, I babysat my dear, and I am never doing that again.

Then came Bolu. His eyes glistened as he spoke to me. I believed I was the only girl in his world, but he later proved to me that I was number 3 on the list. Well, at least I was in the top 5. A win is a win, right?

Ahh, remember Clement? We never met, but the 50,000 miles of long distance couldn't stop the flow of electricity. He sent fire into my bones. The fire never died, at least on my part, but I think it did after 2 months on his part. I had finished naming our babies. Wherever he is, I hope he doesn’t find happiness. tsk. Sadly, he will. Life is not Nollywood.

Then Bro. Segun came. He was using style to tell me I was the one for him, but I blocked my ears. To be fair, he was beating around the bush, but thank God he did because I didn’t even know how to position my mouth to say no. I am not cut out for the Mummy G.O. lifestyle.

On my list, there were some nice guys, but I termed them boring. If we had a conversation and there was no spark, you are automatically zoned. To be fair, I can’t end up with someone I don’t romantically feel anything for. I know we are looking at the heart, but anyway, I am looking at both.

Then Daniel came along. He was just my friend, and I never thought of him for anything more. I ran to him when I needed help; I sought his wisdom when I was at a crossroads; and I gave him every gist I had on my sleeves. He knew when I was mischievous, and when my overthinking self was on a spiral, one word from him calmed my heart. We prayed together and could share our burdens. I told him that my husband would have to be thankful to him for taking care of me. Daniel paused. He wanted to be the husband.

Lol, how do you want to leave this zone?

But the truth is, he left it long ago. In every way, he has proven to be the one whose love has been consistent.

But I never had that giddy feeling. Where are the butterflies? There are no goosebumps. He surely can’t be the one.

Then I sit down and ask myself, How far have those burning lines of Bridgerton taken me? Does the fire I seek really exist? So far, the flame and the attraction that encapsulated my senses was not sustainable. The faster it burns, the faster it dies. I prefer to have one where I fan it into flames.

I am sure that it will work out between us. Why seek for what is not lost?

I am glad those men showed me shege, though. It made me question my desires, rearrange my priorities, and recognize what was right for me. Because in marriage,it is only the values that count. It is what will stand the test of time. Neither the giddy feeling nor the magnetic ginger will equate to the stability I desire. And even if he doesn’t know how to love me as I want, I will teach him. As long as he is willing to learn of me.

The demons made me appreciate the angels that came around.

Now, I am back to my cool, calm, and collected men. I don’t need stress in my life. I have chosen to be with a person whose being is teachable, loving, kind, and compassionate. Who exhibits a great quality of leadership and strives to be their best. Who will support me and hold me by my hand. The one that will not break my heart and does not collect relationship advice from Twitter

Those books forgot to share that there are different ways to find love. I do not want to fall in love. I want to walk into it with my mind and heart. No second guesses, no irrational fear.

Y’all should carry the bad boys. I have left your WhatsApp group.

As for Daniel? Well, let’s just say I am still thinking about it.

I know I know, Don’t kill me!

Writing this was so fun. I never knew I had this side of me. I chose random names, and who dates a Clement? No offense to the real owners of that name.

The experiences? Fictional. My love history is not this chaotic. Still, I hope you enjoyed and learned what I had to share.

I won’t mind a standing ovation, but you can do well to clap. Send your feedback here or on Twitter. I love love love to hear from you.

Your loving,non-loving girl

Angel